It’s a new week and I have so much on my mind. For this Motivational Monday, I decided to share a quote that I have to remind my self about constantly.
“Think Continually About What You Want, Not About The Things You Fear.” ~ Brian Tracy
Bemuse I live with anxiety, depression and panic attacks, I am afraid of so many things. I am afraid something can happen to my husband, the dogs or my family. I am afraid to faint in public. I am afraid of getting a panic attack. I know this is ironic because having anxiety over this can cause a panic attack.
Sometimes I just have to think about what I want in life and not everything I am afraid of. Everyday is a struggle for me. I have a panic attack at least once a day, but I don’t let it stop me. I know I am better than that. And what I want is to get a degree and I am not going to let my fears stop me.
And if I can do it so can you. You are so much stronger than you believe!
This week’s Women Crush Wednesday is all about Tova Leigh. Many of you might now know her. But she is an inspirational woman that has given me so much hope for the future and that I am beautiful just the way I am.
Some of the reasons why she is this weeks WCW:
She doesn’t take shit from anyone.
She is brutally honest, about parenthood, about being a woman. Well, literally everything.
She started something that she calls: MOM LIFE CRISIS. She literally films herself doing things she always wanted to do: like bungy jumping and pole dancing.
She does videos of herself and sometimes with her husband doing things other people have done, but she/they do it a little different. She tags it: nailedit. They are hilarious.
She makes me laugh.
And she posts things that make you question life, in a good way.
I also want to share with you how I found her. I was having a really bad day at campus, with panic attacks and anxiety that was crippling me. My lecture for the day had ended and I was sitting at a table waiting for my husband to get off work so we could drive home. And that was about 3 hours away. I had my headphones on and was scrolling on facebook trying to keep my mind occupied. And a friend of my had shared a video that Tova had posted. I watched it and I laugh. I then went on her page and started watching what she had shared. And all the sudden my husband called saying he was on his way. Her page literally saved mine from a big panic attack. And I have followed her since that day.
This one is so funny. I don’t have kids, but I just love it.
First episode of mom life crisis:
Just watch her videos and I promise you will laugh and feel understood. And Tova, if you by any chance reads this, thank you for all that you share with us. You are amazing and fantastic. And I am looking forward to many more funny nailedit videos and other fun things. And the new Mom Life Crisis video about the trip to Nepal and Everest. And basically anything you post.
It’s Sunday and another week has passed. We are getting closer and closer to Christmas and I wish it would snow outside. But we are stuck with 8 degrees Celsius and cloudy weather. I have just seen the sun for a couple of hours this week.
As you know I been home sick this week. All week, so I have missed the first two lectures of my new course, but I have maxing friends that have sent me their notes. And this week last two classes were cancelled because the professor got sick. And that’s fine by me because that means I hopefully am not sick when they are rescheduled.
If you read my post from Monday night, you know my husband had to go to the Emergency Room, but the doctors think it was just his cold and fever that was the problem. He is still not okay. And I am actually still worried about him. He hates going to the doctor, but I feel like I might have to convince him to go next week if he doesn’t get better.
Oracle and Zelda on a walk this week
I got some amazing news on Tuesday afternoon, but I will share that with you in another post later on. Right now I just want to keep it secret for a little while longer. But it’s about the same thing that I wrote a post about for a couple of weeks ago. You can read it here.
And as you might have read on Wednesday, my husband and I had been together for 12 years that day. We did not calibrate because we both were sick so we will do that another day.
My husband and I in autumn 2007.
Friday I went to my grandmother’s house to start going through the things that we are dividing between my father, my uncle, my brother and me. My grandmother passed away in August, and my father and uncle have been going through her house for about two months now dividing things between them and now they thought it was my brother and my time to see if we wanted anything after her and my grandfather. It was really hard being there and going through her things. I miss her so much. But I am thankful for all the memories and that I get to keep some things as a memory after her. I am going back today to look at some more things and see my uncle.
And this afternoon my husband and I are eating dinner with my mother, my father, my brother, my sister-in-law and my nephew at my parent’s apartment.
I also got the news on Friday, that I passed my Statistic Exam. I am so happy. Now I can focus fully on my Law course and place the statistic books in my bookshelf. And hopefully, I will never study Statistics again.
Right now I am sitting in my parent’s kitchen waiting to hear from my husband. He’s at the Emergency Room. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious but when he got home today he had pain in his right arm. We found a bruise and I git worried because he is not a person that whines and he had surgery two weeks ago. My first instinct was that he had gotten a thrombus. He called the medical information and they said he should go to the emergency room.
I and the dogs went with him and then we went to my parents so I can drive him home when he gets to come home. Now I just hope its nothing serious.
I am having some anxiety and panic over this. And I am glad that I am at my parents for support. Here in Sweden its half past eleven in the evening right now. And I want to sleep but I know that I can’t until I know how my husband is doing.
It’s time for self-care Saturday and today I want to share with you one of my favourite self-care routines. Skin Care. I feel so much better after I have gone through my skincare routine. It helps me relax and I know that I take care of my self when I do it. And I know that my skin gets better when I take care of it and I will feel better because my face isn’t full of acne and blemishes.
When I go through my regular skincare rutin it takes about 10-15 minutes. And if I also take a mask it takes about 10-15 minutes more. I try to do it morning and evening. If you don’t have a skincare rutin, I can really recommend to try it.
I have tried some different brands of skin-care and the one that I love and that’s works with my allergies and other problems are; Artistry.
Right now I use (THIS IS NOT A PAID AD):
Artistry Hydra-V Fresh Foaming Cleanser ~ Cleans my skin and hydrates it.
Artistry Hydra-V Fresh Toner ~ A toner that takes away the last of the impurity on the skin.
Artistry Hydra-V Vital Skin Serum Concentrate ~ A serum that helps me with moisture and hydrating my skin.
Artistry Youth Xtend Serum Concentrate ~ A serum to help me with the wrinkles I already have and to prevent wrinkles that I will get in the future.
Artistry Hydra-V Refreshing Gel ~ My day and night crème that hydrates my skin and its also kind of cooling.
Artistry Youth Xtend Crème Enrichissate ~ My eye crème that a use to get my puffiness under the eyes to get down and to help me prevent future wrinkles.
And I at least once a week I use these masks:
Artistry Hydra-V Refreshing Moisture Mask ~ A mask to hydrate the skin.
Artistry Essentials Pore Cleansing Masque ~ Artistry Essentials are no longer sold here in Sweden, so now I am going to buy this one: Deep Cleansing Mask ARTISTRY™.
And when I have a lot of acne I use this product: Artistry Essentials anti-blemish, that now is replaced with this one: Anti-Blemish Gel Treatment essentials by ARTISTRY™.
* This is not a paid ad. I just wanted to share my skin-care with you all when I talked about self-care.
I am starting to get really nervous about my exam next Monday. I am studying and trying my best to be ready. But it feels like I am failing. But I won’t give up. I am going to do my best and that just needs to be enough.
Yesterday I had a bad day at campus. I had to park far from my lecture hall and when I started walking to my lecture, a little stressed, I meet a couple of people that were vaping and smoking cigarettes. I tried to hold my breath and keep away from them, but I couldn’t so I got an Asthma attack. I took some medicine and thought that I still could make it to my class. So I kept moving, but slower this time. Then when I came to the building I was going to have my lecture, I went into the toilet. But someone had been smoking in there. So after my second Asthma attack for the day, I was not feeling so good. I meet a friend and tried to not get a panic attack as well. But I just couldn’t stay on campus and go on the lecture. I was feeling weak and my chest hurt. I called my husband that picked me up.
Now I am at home, still not feeling great. And missing today’s two classes. I feel awful. But I am going to study from home today. To get ready for the exam. And I am going to get some rest, so I don’t get worse.
I hope you have a fantastic day. And this Weeks WCW post is soon out. Read it.
I don’t really know what happened. I have had an okay day, but now in the afternoon, I started feeling down. I am feeling like I want to crawl down in a hole and not come out. This is a feeling I hate to have and I am trying to turn this day around.
I am feeling drained by the lack of sleep and the worries about Oracle. By what I have observed today I want to say that she is feeling better, but I am not sure. I have spent the last two days at home, but today I want into campus to have a computer lab about statistics. My father had the dogs while I was away and I am really thankful for that.
Tomorrow I have an early lecture and then I really need to continue with my studying for the exam. I am a little nervous about the exam, but I am going to do my best and that just have to be enough.
Right now I am fighting to keep my eyes open, but I have so much more to do today. The dogs need to get food and then a walk. My husband is cooking dinner for us, so I need to eat. And I really should pack my bag for tomorrow. And put the dog cages in the car, so I don’t need to stress about that tomorrow morning. Plus I have a few emails I need to send away.
I totally missed that October 10th was World Mental Health Day 2018. Don’t really know how? But I am doing a post on it now instead.
What I really want to share with all of you about Mental Health is that is no shame in having problems with your mental health. More people than you know have problems with their mental health and I wish more people talked about it.
I remember when I started going to a psychologist when I was about 14 years old and so many people had a problem with me talking about it. I should stay quiet and not talk about it. So I that’s what I did. I felt ashamed over how I was feeling and that affected me for a really long time.
Then when I started getting my panic attacks, big ones, when I was 17 I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it. I was ashamed over it. But I got help and started understanding that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed over. Both through my family and celebrities that have been very open about their mental health problems.
I started telling people that I had been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and panic disorder. I was told by a teacher when I finally came back to High School after being home sick for about a year, that I should be locked up in an insane asylum. That I was a danger to everyone around me. That only made me angrier and more determined to share with everyone.
My husband has always been by my side in all of this and when I told him that I wanted to start a blog to share my life with people he helped me get it started. He knows all about my fears and he still loves me. And I am worth that love.
I now that there are a lot of people out there that doesn’t have the support that I have had. But just remember that you are loved and it will get better with time. Just keep fighting! And you are not alone.
And to you who have a person with mental health problems in your life. Don’t try to fix it all. Just listen to them. Love them and be there for them.
For this week’s Throwback Thursday I want to share this picture with you:
This is my dog Oracle when she was 8 weeks old and her mother. This was the day we brought her home with us. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I finally had my own dog after wanting one for so many years.
This was taken in March 2013 and I can’t believe that Oracle is going to be 6 years in January next year. She is one of the best parts of my life and I owe so much to her.
I don’t actually remember if I have written anything about this before, but I have trained Oracle to be my therapy dog. And she has been there for me whenever I need her and I love her so much. She doesn’t have to work as much now as she did a couple of years ago but she still helps me when I need her to.
I am definitely going to write more about my dogs because they are a big part of my life.
This morning I woke up at 4 am. And 15 minutes later my alarm went off. It was just to go up and eat breakfast. The reason that I got up so early is that my husband and I drove in together this morning. He starts his job at 7 am in the morning, but it takes an hour to get to campus and we had to drop the dogs at doggie daycare before 7 am.
Now I am sitting at campus listening to a music and trying to motivate myself to study. And wishing that I drank coffee so that I could wake up. But I don’t drink anything with caffeine.
I have been thinking these last days about that I feel like this world is getting more and more hard. We are harder against each other. There is more bullying around us. In school and online. And people are less understanding with other people and their feelings. People are more selfish. I wish that we could spread love and not hate.
I have been told by many people over the last couple of years that my “sickness” is something that makes me the wrong human being to study. That I should stay home. These are things I have never taken to heart.
I know that every one that is fighting against their mental health can overcome it. I have found that taking action is the only thing that helps me with my panic attacks. With this I mean. Do things that you know can and will sett you of. But do it small steps at a time. If you get panic attacks when you shop for groceries. Then go early in the morning or later in the evening, when there are much fewer people in the store. And have as a goal to maybe just by one or two products. And you can, of course, have someone with you as support.
And do this until you are ready to increase the number of products you by. And someday you can shop for an entire week at once.
That is my best advice. Take it slow. But do something to get yourself better. I am not saying that I don´t get panic attacks in the store. Because I do. All the time. But I can handle them better now. And I know that if I am having a rough week then I don’t shop when the stores are the busiest. You have to pick your battles. And right now I am concentrating on finishing my education. And almost all my energy is going to go to all my classes even if I am having a hard day.
This became a longer post than planned. Sorry for the rant.
The Not So Secret Diary of Nea 