Motivational Monday ~ First of March

New week and a new month. I don’t know if you have this yet, but this weekend gave a real feeling of spring. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the sky was so blue. It was beautiful and I spent a lot of time outside with the dogs. You could spring in the air and I know that we will have a few setbacks before spring is really here, but I thought about planting spring flowers and buying daffodils.

As you might know if you been reading my other posts, I am currently working on my master thesis. The subject of this thesis has been changed, but I am actually really excited about it. It will be more difficult, but I also think more rewarding. I am learning a lot and I am looking forward to doing this project. But at the same time my anxiety is making me question my decision. Am I good enough? Will I fail? Will my thesis be accepted? But I have made it this far and I am not going to stop. I am strong enough and I am not going to fail as long as I don’t give up.

This brings me to this weeks motivational quote. I do not know who has said this, but it’s something that I have heard in therapy as well from people online.

So keep trying and know that this makes you strong. And as long as you are trying and not giving up, then you are not failing. You are doing your best, and that is enough!

Now I need to go back to studying! Have an fantastic week!

Love, Nea

Life happens

In the middle of January I started my fifth year at University. Saying it out loud seems crazy, for two reasons. First, because a lot of people did not think I would even make it through one term at University because of my mental health problems. If you were one of them, well than I just want to say: “Fuck you!” I am stronger than you thought.

Secondly, because I was only planing on studying at University for 3 years to take my Bachelors Degree, which I have taken, but life happens. Or more exactly I had one exam hanging over me when I finished the thesis in the begining of January last year, so I had to retake it in March. Which meant that I studied one more term to have something to do while I waited to retake that exam. Than Covid happend and a lot of places would not hire people right out of University, so I countinued to study. And now I am here working on my Masters Thesis and If I take one more term after the summer I will have my Masters. And that sounds even more crazy.

I have showed so many people who doubted me that I am stronger than they think and that I will not be defined or limited by my mental health. It has not always been easy doing this, but with the support of my husband and my family and friends I have done this. I also managed to study one term abroad in Edinburgh, an experience I will always value.

I have lost a couple friends over the time, but that is mostly people who can’t handle my success or that have not been able to handle that I still have mental health problems. But I am better without these people. The friends I have gotten over the time I have studied that have stayed with me are true friends. The kind you can call whenever just to talk.

If I can do this then I know that you can go after what you want as well! Go after your dreams.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ January 25

First post of 2021, a bit late, but this year has been hectic so far. And I have kind of been in a bad headspace in the beginning of the year. My mental health has been down and I been fighting to keep my head over over water. My husband has been an amazing support to me these past weeks, like he always is, and he has helped me through a lot. I am feeling better, but know I have a way to go before I am on top again.

Last Monday I started a new term and now I am writing on my Masters Thesis together with another girl. We are only in the beginning of our writing but I think it will go good. Although is never bad to start Mondays of with some motivation, so here is the quote for this week.

I believe a lot in keeping a positive attitude and believing in yourself. I know its hard to do when you are depressed or when everything is going to hell. I been fighting depression for a lot of years, but I am still trying to always have a positive attitude and believe in myself. Because I know I can do it.

I hope you can believe in yourself as well, because I believe in you. You can do this!

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ November 30

Happy Monday everybody! One day away from it to be December. I am starting to feel the Christmas cheer and this weekend it snowed a bit. Not much, but just enough for everything to be white. It is so beautiful outside and my husband and I put up some Strings of lights on our fence yesterday. It makes the snow glitter even more.

I know Christmas is not a fun time for everyone and that a lot of people feel stressed or/and overwelmed. All I can say is that Christmas do not need to be perfect. My best Christmases has been days where I been with my family and just enjoyed a quiet Christmas. I to can get stressed at times, but I try and take a deep breath and remind myself that life is not perfect and that what ever gets done gets done.

Todays motivational quote is one a friend said to me when I was having a rough time. She had read it somewhere online so I do not know where it comes from but it helped me. So I hope it can help somebody else.

You are stronger than you believe. Please remember that. And ask for help if you need it. It is nothing wrong with asking for help. I did it just last week. i was overwhelmed with my work for Uni and I just needed a break. So I got some help with the dogs at daytime by my father and my husband took on some more housework. And I am so grateful for this. They really helped me out.

Now I need to finish writing since I have a paper due today that needs some more work. I wish you all an amazing week!

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ November 2

It’s November and Halloween is over. Not that we really celebrate Halloween in Sweden. We have another “celebration” and it is called “Alla helgons dag” where we remember the people we have lost and light candles at their graves or memorial groves. It ends up being very peaceful and beautiful when there are lights everywhere at the cemeteries.

We went late evening on Saturday to a couple of our loved ones graves and one of the memorial groves where my grandparents are buried. It was beautiful and I always leave there feeling calm.

I know that this week will be a hard week for some people, seeing as there’s the election in the US and a lot of countries have gone into lockdown again. The second wave of Covid has hit here in Sweden and I am kind of scared that everyone has forgotten to keep a distance, wash their hands and stay at home if they are feeling sick.

At these times we need a bit extra motivation and I have been trying to find the right quote to have today, but it is hard. There are a lot of great quotes out there and I wanted to find one that was just right. I have not been able to do that, but I hope you like this one.

We will get through this. We just need to keep fighting. Together. If you are in lookdown, keep in touch with friends and family via skype, zoom or whatever you use. Support one another. We will get through this. Take care of yourself and your family. Be kind to others. Follow guidelines.

That is all I have to share today. Just remember that you can do this. Have a great week and know that you are stronger than you think.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ 26th of October

Another Monday and time for Motivational Monday. I am currently sitting in my living room with two sleeping dogs on either side of me. The dogs love sleeping in on Mondays and hate when I go up to early. After breakfast and a short time outside they can easily sleep until noon. And the grey and wet weather we been having here in Sweden also makes them more likely to sleep a lot.

Todays motivational quotes is motivational for me, but I can’t say if it is that for anyone else. You could say it’s more about mindset and less about motivation, but I think about this when I am struggling against my depression. I think about how many years I been having my mental health problems and the fact that I have always, always gotten out on the other side. I will not let my depression, anxiety and panic attacks win over me. Therefore this is a quote that helps me.

This motivates me because I kicked my depressions ass a few times and that makes me stronger. That tells me I can do it again and I know that you can as well. You just need to believe in yourself. As well as remember there are no shame in getting help or asking for help. There are a lot of places out there to get help and it is always a good idea to do if you feel like you can’t do it on your own.

I will use this quote as kind of a mantra for myself this week, since it will be a kind of trying week for me. The whole house is a mess, since we got rid of a big display cabinet this weekend and everything is all over the house. We are also moving around all the furniture in our livingroom because the way we put the furniture when we moved in last December is not working out.

I wish you all fantastic week and take care of yourself.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday – 19th October

It’s Monday again and it’s a late post today. I usually want to post Motivational Monday in the morning, but time has run past so fast this morning. I have been planing my week and started my order for food I am going to pick-up tomorrow afternoon. Since Covid is still here and I am in a risk-group I order food online to pick up at a drive-in at my favorite store. And it is easy to pick up.

I have had a few rough weeks. I am not ready to talk about it again, but my depression is back. I am fighting against every day, because I know it is a fight that I need to do. I don’t want to fall down deeper in my depression and I do things that make me happy. As well as trying to be out for a while if the sun is out.

The quote for today is something that a therapist I had told me and I need to remember this again today. Well, I think I need to remember this always.

This is important. Remember that there is no rush. Take it in your own pace and that all the progress you do is progress. Even if it is as simple as having panic about being outside alone. If you take on step outside your door and stand there for one minute. It is still progress. It is still a step.

I have a lot of things I am working on with my mental health. Some days are easy. Some days are a constant battle. But every progress I do, even small small steps are progress. Be kind to yourself and keep on fighting.

I wish you an amazing week and remember that you are stronger then you think.

Love, Nea

PS. This is the first time I share the quotes as a video.. What do you think?

I forgot

Another Week and no Motivational Monday post yesterday. The reason. I forgot. I know that sounds weird but last week was a bad week. I have been in a kind of argument over mail with one of my professors about my course and I kind of got more depressed.

Then I spent the weekend painting half of the hallway on the second floor. I only painted half because of all the furniture and having to move everything around. But now half the hallway is fixed and the other half needs to be painted. That might not happen this year. But we will see. I painted the hallway white, but I am thinking about maybe doing it in a kind of light blue later, but I don’t know. The white is a good ground if we do it in a different colour.

Today I have had a relax day with Zelda. Oracle has been at my husbands office the whole day so I have spent a lot of time just giving Zelda attention and love. Right now she is laying in my lap sleeping enjoying some alone time with her mum. I have also been in to the city helping my father picking up food as well as pick up food for us. I love that my favorite store has online shopping and then like a drive through to pick it up. Wonderful during these COVID 19 times. They also drive out food but we live to far away.

Now I am going to light a fire in our fireplace and enjoy the peace and quiet before my husband and Oracle comes home. I wish you all a fantastic week!

Love, Nea

I could have had a 5 year old

This feels so strange. That time has moved so fast. But 6 years ago, I was pregnant. Only about two-three months, but still pregnant. I was going away on a vaccation with my brother, my parents and my dog. And my boyfriend (now husband) and I suspected that I was pregnant and decided that if my period had not come when I was back, I would take the test. I had morning sickness. My bobs hurt and well a lot more symptoms.

On the ferry ride back from my vacation I got really sick. My mother thought that I was sea sick, but it was a miscarriage. My stomach hurt and I was bleeding. When I got home I called my doctor and later got the news. Yes, I had been pregnant and I had lost it. I can not describe the emotions inside of me or well anything. But it was one of the worst things I have gone through and in some ways I went through it alone. My boyfriend did not understand what I was going through. His body had not been the one changing and like I said I was only a couple of months on my way.

I got depressed and started to eat to deal with my emotions. I got bigger and gained about 20 kilograms. And then I got the question from someone. “Are you pregnant?” It felt like a slap in the face and I had to try and hold it together. I had lost my baby and I get that question. So I ate some more. And everywere I looked it seemed like people were getting pregnant and having babys and here I was.. feeling empty and having no idea what to do. I was unemployed, gaining weight and unhappy. My boyfriend helped me thourugh it the best he could but it still hurts this time a year. In just a few days it will be the date that I lost the baby and that day I let my self grieve.

Now I know, after a couple more miscarriages that I can get pregnant, but not keep the baby. And if the baby by any chance would survive my life would be on the line. There is nothing that can be done. At least nothing that would be worth it for me. So we, my husband and I, have made the decision that we won’t have biological children. And as it is today, we don’t know if we will ever want children at all. It was a decision that took a lot of talking and being honest with each other. It hurt, a lot, I am not going to lie. But in the end we are in a better place in out relationship and I am happy. With our decision, with my life and with our future.

Even though my heart still yearns for a baby sometimes I don’t really feel the same pull like I did before. And writing this post, do not hurt as much as it did finding out I can’t have children a couple of years ago. This has not been something I have shared with the world before, only close family. But I feel it’s time.

Time to heal, even though I will always wonder who that baby could have been. And every other baby I lost. But that first miscarriage it was the one that I carried the baby inside of me for the longest time. The other’s I was only about a month pregnant, not two to three months. And there was a noticeable difference inside me and my body.

It is time to be open and honest about this, not only because I don’t really belive in keeping things like this secret. And because I am sick and tired of getting questions like: “When are the two of you going to have a baby?” “Are you not getting into the age of having children now?” “Are you pregnant?”

Nobody should ask these questions. And I have to admit. I have asked the first question to people and now I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have nothing to do with their decision to have or not have children. It is their life’s. So if you are one of these people. I am truly sorry if I ever caused you any hurt because I am asked you about having kids. I hope you can forgive me.

Love, Nea

Minivaccation

I am going on a minivaccation with my mum and nephew today. We are going somewhere that holds some of my best childhood summer memorys.. but I am anxious and are having a small panic episode.

I really don’t want to mess up my nephews vaccation with my mental health. I want him to have fun. This does not mean that I am hiding my problems from him. I have decided that I am going to be open and honest with everyone around me. Includimg my nephew.

I want children to know that sometimes you don’t feel all right and that its okay to get help. I want to teach people everything I wanted to hear or needed to hear when my mental health problems started.. when I was 14-15 years old.

This does not mean that I am going to explain my depression and anxiety to him. But I will talk about it if he asks and be as honest as I can without scaring him.

Now I am going to continue packing. Have a lovely day.

Love, Nea