Motivational Monday – 19th October

It’s Monday again and it’s a late post today. I usually want to post Motivational Monday in the morning, but time has run past so fast this morning. I have been planing my week and started my order for food I am going to pick-up tomorrow afternoon. Since Covid is still here and I am in a risk-group I order food online to pick up at a drive-in at my favorite store. And it is easy to pick up.

I have had a few rough weeks. I am not ready to talk about it again, but my depression is back. I am fighting against every day, because I know it is a fight that I need to do. I don’t want to fall down deeper in my depression and I do things that make me happy. As well as trying to be out for a while if the sun is out.

The quote for today is something that a therapist I had told me and I need to remember this again today. Well, I think I need to remember this always.

This is important. Remember that there is no rush. Take it in your own pace and that all the progress you do is progress. Even if it is as simple as having panic about being outside alone. If you take on step outside your door and stand there for one minute. It is still progress. It is still a step.

I have a lot of things I am working on with my mental health. Some days are easy. Some days are a constant battle. But every progress I do, even small small steps are progress. Be kind to yourself and keep on fighting.

I wish you an amazing week and remember that you are stronger then you think.

Love, Nea

PS. This is the first time I share the quotes as a video.. What do you think?

Motivational Monday ~ 5 October

It is October and now I can really say that fall is here. The air is crisp, leaves are falling and outside my window I can see the rain falling. I am sitting in the sofa in the living room with a dog on each side. They are tired and just wants to be close.

I am trying to get some things with uni figured out and planing this week. Last week I was sick and I am still not okay. It is just a regular cold that I gotten from my parents. They did a COVID test and it was negative, so I know that I do not have COVID.

With the weather turning grey and it’s getting colder outside I think most of us could use some motivation. I don’t know if you all will thing this is motivating, but it is for me. I found this online last year and I do not know who has said it, but I love it.

This is one important thing. Let things go. Don’t let it pester in your mind. Don’t let it take over your life. Try and look forward instead of backwards. I know this is not always possible, but some things we can let go of. We can let go of so much that we usually don’t do. But let go of old fights, let go of “I wish I would have said this instead”. Or like in my case today, I almost started a fight with a professor over something that was not his fault. He had not gotten the information I thought he had gotten, but now he is trying to fix it. So I am letting go of my angry and trying to take it as it comes. I think the last couple of weeks unsureness made me go into a fight mood directly. So I am letting it all go and relaxing. Now I will take it one day at a time.

I hope you have an fantastic week. And If you can go out and look at the leaves turning. Breath in the crisp air and be thankfull for each day.

Love, Nea

No Motivational Monday?

As some of you probably noticed I did not post a Motivational Monday post yesterday. And the truth is that time just ran away for me. I though about it when I got up, but then I had so much going on with the dogs, the washing-machine that decided not to work properly and studying for my exam on Friday. If I could sum up yesterday it was a crappy crappy day, but today is a new day and we will forget about yesterday and concentrate on the now.

So today I am sharing the song that inspires me the most at the moment. It is a song that’s been out there a while, but since I heard it the first time it has kind of stuck with me.

All I can say, maybe I really need my Motivational Monday to start the week off in the right way. I am going to try and do a post next Monday, but I don’t think that will be an issue. Next Monday I am starting a new course for Uni, since the course I am taking now ends after my exam on Friday. I am a bit nervous over the exam, but I will do my best and that is all I can do.

I am also going into town today to pick up the food I have ordered. My husband is having a full week as well and this will be the second time that I have ordered food to be packed in the foodstore by employes. This is great, becuse I saw a lot of time, I don’t have to be out and about with a lot of people who can be sick and I can stay safe.

But I know that before the year is over there are some stores I need to go to. I been doing the social distancing since early March. All my uni work I can do online, which is great and I have only been out with people when I know it’s safe and that I can control it. I never been in a shop when there are a lot of people there and I am careful. And I will continue to be so until this pandemic is over.

I hope you all are taking care of yourself and keeping your distance from people. Now I really need to start my day and get some studying done.

Love, Nea

Fall

Yesterday was the first official day of fall, but let’s be honest. It’s felt like fall a couple of weeks not with the crisp air, the leaves turning yellow, orange and red. We have started lightning fires in the fireplace and having more candles burning in the evenings. The other day I literally stumbled over some chanterelles in the woods when we where out walking. I picked them up so my husband how loves them could eat them with his dinner.

I have a fall cleaning in mind for the whole house, but I still have a lot of things I had planed on doing this summer left to do, like paint the hallway uppstairs. I hope I have the time to do that, with uni and everything else.

I also have a full shopping list of things for the house, like more blankets and candles. You can never have enough candles living in the woods when the electricity can go out at any second. Our supply is currently a bit low, but I will fix that soon.

I have a lot of work for Uni this week and in the end of next week I have a big exam. I am kind of nervous about this term paper I am working on and the exam, but I will do my best and try and keep my anxiety in check.

I wish you all an fantastic Wednesday and I hope I can post more updates and other things soon.

Love, Nea

I could have had a 5 year old

This feels so strange. That time has moved so fast. But 6 years ago, I was pregnant. Only about two-three months, but still pregnant. I was going away on a vaccation with my brother, my parents and my dog. And my boyfriend (now husband) and I suspected that I was pregnant and decided that if my period had not come when I was back, I would take the test. I had morning sickness. My bobs hurt and well a lot more symptoms.

On the ferry ride back from my vacation I got really sick. My mother thought that I was sea sick, but it was a miscarriage. My stomach hurt and I was bleeding. When I got home I called my doctor and later got the news. Yes, I had been pregnant and I had lost it. I can not describe the emotions inside of me or well anything. But it was one of the worst things I have gone through and in some ways I went through it alone. My boyfriend did not understand what I was going through. His body had not been the one changing and like I said I was only a couple of months on my way.

I got depressed and started to eat to deal with my emotions. I got bigger and gained about 20 kilograms. And then I got the question from someone. “Are you pregnant?” It felt like a slap in the face and I had to try and hold it together. I had lost my baby and I get that question. So I ate some more. And everywere I looked it seemed like people were getting pregnant and having babys and here I was.. feeling empty and having no idea what to do. I was unemployed, gaining weight and unhappy. My boyfriend helped me thourugh it the best he could but it still hurts this time a year. In just a few days it will be the date that I lost the baby and that day I let my self grieve.

Now I know, after a couple more miscarriages that I can get pregnant, but not keep the baby. And if the baby by any chance would survive my life would be on the line. There is nothing that can be done. At least nothing that would be worth it for me. So we, my husband and I, have made the decision that we won’t have biological children. And as it is today, we don’t know if we will ever want children at all. It was a decision that took a lot of talking and being honest with each other. It hurt, a lot, I am not going to lie. But in the end we are in a better place in out relationship and I am happy. With our decision, with my life and with our future.

Even though my heart still yearns for a baby sometimes I don’t really feel the same pull like I did before. And writing this post, do not hurt as much as it did finding out I can’t have children a couple of years ago. This has not been something I have shared with the world before, only close family. But I feel it’s time.

Time to heal, even though I will always wonder who that baby could have been. And every other baby I lost. But that first miscarriage it was the one that I carried the baby inside of me for the longest time. The other’s I was only about a month pregnant, not two to three months. And there was a noticeable difference inside me and my body.

It is time to be open and honest about this, not only because I don’t really belive in keeping things like this secret. And because I am sick and tired of getting questions like: “When are the two of you going to have a baby?” “Are you not getting into the age of having children now?” “Are you pregnant?”

Nobody should ask these questions. And I have to admit. I have asked the first question to people and now I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have nothing to do with their decision to have or not have children. It is their life’s. So if you are one of these people. I am truly sorry if I ever caused you any hurt because I am asked you about having kids. I hope you can forgive me.

Love, Nea

Minivaccation

I am going on a minivaccation with my mum and nephew today. We are going somewhere that holds some of my best childhood summer memorys.. but I am anxious and are having a small panic episode.

I really don’t want to mess up my nephews vaccation with my mental health. I want him to have fun. This does not mean that I am hiding my problems from him. I have decided that I am going to be open and honest with everyone around me. Includimg my nephew.

I want children to know that sometimes you don’t feel all right and that its okay to get help. I want to teach people everything I wanted to hear or needed to hear when my mental health problems started.. when I was 14-15 years old.

This does not mean that I am going to explain my depression and anxiety to him. But I will talk about it if he asks and be as honest as I can without scaring him.

Now I am going to continue packing. Have a lovely day.

Love, Nea

Messy house

I have been sick on and off for about three weeks. I got a bloody cold as well as allergys that been messing with me. But I am starting to feel better.

The thing is that beeing sick has made me completly behind on all the things at home. My husband has done his best. But he has about a million more things then homechores to do so it’s a big mess inside the house. It does not help either that we have tenents moving in soon in our old house.. my husband has been clearing out that house and brought thing here instead..

It feels like were ever I look there are a million things put of order and the laundery has taken over our bedroom and upstairs hallway..

Is there any chance there is such a thing as cleaning fairy’s? Because I would really need them right now.. I have started on the washing and the cleaning, but it will take a while, since I am not completely all right yet.

Well that was just a short update from me.. I wish you a wonderful day.

Love, Nea

Travel dreams

I am sitting here at home in the livingroom looking at pictures I took when we lived in Scotland. It was an fantastic experiance and I miss it a lot. I am also kind of sad over all the things that we did not do, but I know we are going to go back. There is no question about it. I am hoping we are going to be able to go next year, but right now with COVID-19 it does not seem to be happening.

I am looking on the pictures because I am going to order some enlargements to put on our where bare walls. I have actually not put a single picture up on the walls and we have been living here over 6 months now. So I think it is about time. It is just so hard to decide what to put up and where. I am planing on doing a kind of family wall as well, with the persons we care about the most, both alive and those who have sadly passed.

As I am sitting here I am reflection over all the places I been to (which is not that many) and all the places I still want to see.

I have been to (I am not including like day trips or when we drove through conteries); Norway, Ireland, The UK and Czech Republic.

Places I want to go to: Iceland, America, Spain, Italy, France, Austraila, New Zealand and Canada.

Traveling is a bit harder for me than some other persons. And that is because of my allergies, asthma and mental health. It is not impossible, but usually takes a lot of planing and it can be kind of scary. I know we are going back to the UK and Ireland, where it was kind of easy. And I am going to do my best to be able to go all the other places I want as well. But time will tell.

Where are your goal to travel? And where is your favorite place to travel?

Love, Nea

Memories

I have spent the last couple of days bawling my eyes out. Nothing sad has happened, but I am going through a lot of old stuff. Some of it is shit and some of it is priceless for me. As some of you know my husband and bought a house one year ago yesterday. This house is very special to me, since my paternal grandparents has been living in this house since the 70s and we bought it from my grandmothers estate after she passed on. The house has not been renovated since the late 70s and my husband has been hard at work. I have helped some, but not a whole lot.

But the stuff I been going through is mainly things after my grandparents. Old books, old papers and old photos. I have seen so many old pictures of me with my grandparents and a whole lot of family gaterings and such. It has been amazing, but hard at the same time. I lost my grandfather suddenly in 2009. I was not prepared at all. My grandmother passed in the summer of 2018. I was more prepared since she been ill a long time, but it was still very hard.

This house has always been my safe haven when things have been rough. Coming here has always helped me deal with everything. And my grandparents has always been supportive of my live and the choices I have made along the way. I miss them every day and going though these left stuff has me crying.

Not a very uplifting post, but I am grateful that I have had these two wonderful people in my life and I know that I will always have the memories to look back on.

Love, Nea

Still here

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea