Lists

I guess I am not the only one who is forgetful. And I know that there are more people with depression and anxiety who need to have goals of what to do during the day to be able to get things done. This means that I write a lot of lists. Lists of things I need to do, like the dishes or laundry and watering the plants. But also lists of what groceries are needed, what we are going to eat that week, as well as lists of what I want to share on this blog and my Instagram linked to this blog. As well as on my bookstagram and book blog. I also write lists of what I am thankful for and the top three things that have happened in a week. This helps me find the light in the dark.

I think I write lists of almost everything and it helps me. Helps me remember, helps me get things done, and helps me focus on good things. I know some people get annoyed when I talk about my lists, but they help me. Therefore they are important.

Today I started once again on a list of what I am thankful for. This is a list that never really changes, only smaller things on it or seasonal things. But it helps me. I want to share this list with you. It might help you or give you the idea to try your own list. So here goes:

What I am thankful for:

  • My Husband
  • Oracle (my corgi)
  • Zelda (my second corgi)
  • My family
  • My friends
  • My house
  • My happy childhood memories
  • My writing
  • My books
  • The food I eat
  • The clothes
  • My warm and comfy bed
  • My time
  • My garden
  • The woods around me
  • The animals that I see living in the woods
  • The sun
  • The smell of the warming fire in our fireplace
  • My stubbornness
  • The hope of a white winter
  • The happiness I feel when I watch my husband
  • the happiness I feel when my dogs chase each other on the frosty ground in the garden
  • The happiness I feel when my nephew or neice wants to play or just be with me
  • Having somewere to share my struggles

This list is shorter than the real list. But this is what I wrote in about five minutes. And looking at it makes me feel thankful and blessed. I also have hope for the future. I have so much love and support around me and I know I can make it through. Just as I know that you can make it through.

Love, Nea

World Mental Health Day 2021

Today is World Mental Health Day. I read that this day was first celebrated in 1992, almost 20 years. A lot have changes since then, but there is still a lot of misinformation and shame linked to mental health.

I still have times that people look at me strange when I tell them about my depression and/or anxiety. Some people don’t want to get to know me because of this. Some companies don’t want to employ me because of this. But you know what? I am more than my mental health issues. I am more than my depression. I am more than my anxiety. I am just as important as other people. I am just as worthy of love and affection. Of friendship. Of living. I am not worth less than anyone else.

You are not worth less. You are worthy of love, friendship and so much more. We all are. It does not matter if we have mental health problems or not.

I hope that we in another 20 years can be more open without being judged. I hope that we can continue working for a better world for all of us. I don’t want people to be ashamed about their struggles. I want people to be able to be open, and get the help ans support they need.

I know we all can do better and help spread the awareness. I am trying to be more open with my struggles and I hope you can to. It’s okay to have problems. It’s okay to ask for help.

Voices ~ Jana Kramer

I have started to listen to songs that help me feel more confident or at least help me deal with my feelings. I am one of those people who can listen to the same song over and over again. And today I want to share one of those songs with you. This is a new song that was released last week.

It is called Voices and it is Jana Kramer that sings it. I love Jana Kramer, she has an incredible voice and she has so much things to share. This song is about feeling that you are worthy of love and stop listening to the voices in your head. When I first heard this song I feel as she was singing of me. I often feel like I am not enough and that I don’t deserve my husbands love. But this song has helped me start being more nice to myself. So I hope that that might do the same for you.

Because you are amazing and worthy of love! Ignore the voices in your head.

Important to remember

Sometime you need to make decisions that are hard, even though you know that it is for your own sake. Like today. I had to withdraw from a course, because I need to finish my master thesis and I can’t do that and study 100%. That would mean that I would be putting in at least 80 hours weeks until the end of September. And my mental health would not handle that. I would be a wreck.

It feels like a failure, but I needed to do this for me. For my health. For my well-being. I need to be better at realizing that it is: It is okay to put yourself first. It is okay to make sure that you don’t stress to much.

Maybe some of you also need to remember that. I don’t know. But I have promised myself as well as my husband to be better at putting my health above studying and getting good grades. It is not the end of the world if I fail, my health is more important.

Just needed to get this out of my head, and I though it might be something someone else needed to read (hear).

2021 and never give up!

Trigger warning: Mental Health, suicide thoughts, self harm thoughts

I saw a post on Tumblr today that just hit me. It stood: Reblog this if you didn’t think you’d make it to 2021. And I had to reblog it because If I am being honest. I did not think I would make it to this year. I did not think I would make it till 2008 if I am being honest. And now here I am well past my 18 birthday, in fact I am turning 31 next week. Which is crazy to think about.

I remember when I was 15 years old , this was 2005. I had no real friends to talk to, or at least so it felt. A lot of the time it felt like I was only there when they needed help, but they were never there for me. My parents had a lot on their plate and I felt like I could not confine in them what I was struggling with. My brother and I was not getting along, at least not in a way we could talk. He was 18 and growing up. I was struggling both my mental and physical health. Doctors did not listen to what I was saying. I felt alone. I was thinking about hurting myself, or worse. I was in a dark place. A really dark place.

I will not go into more details, because I feel like going down back to those thoughts might be a bit like going down the rabbit hole. All I can say is that things turned around for me. It was not easy or in a snap. And many of you know I am still struggling and fighting my mental health. As well as my physical health is still a problem. But I found people I can trust. I found the love of my life that stands by my side through it all and helps me when I need it or motivates and pushes me when I need that. I also know not to give up when doctors or mental health professionals don’t listen and find someone who does.

Always keep fighting. Never Give Up!

Now I am turning 31 next week and I can still not believe it some days. I want to go back in time to that scared girl that is in so much pain and darkness and tell her it will be okay. That she needs to continue fighting. That she can do it. I wish I could show her what my life is like now.

And to all of you that are struggling and are in a dark place. Don’t stop fighting. It will get better. It will get easier. If I can do it, then I know you can do it! I believe in you!!

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ First of March

New week and a new month. I don’t know if you have this yet, but this weekend gave a real feeling of spring. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the sky was so blue. It was beautiful and I spent a lot of time outside with the dogs. You could spring in the air and I know that we will have a few setbacks before spring is really here, but I thought about planting spring flowers and buying daffodils.

As you might know if you been reading my other posts, I am currently working on my master thesis. The subject of this thesis has been changed, but I am actually really excited about it. It will be more difficult, but I also think more rewarding. I am learning a lot and I am looking forward to doing this project. But at the same time my anxiety is making me question my decision. Am I good enough? Will I fail? Will my thesis be accepted? But I have made it this far and I am not going to stop. I am strong enough and I am not going to fail as long as I don’t give up.

This brings me to this weeks motivational quote. I do not know who has said this, but it’s something that I have heard in therapy as well from people online.

So keep trying and know that this makes you strong. And as long as you are trying and not giving up, then you are not failing. You are doing your best, and that is enough!

Now I need to go back to studying! Have an fantastic week!

Love, Nea

Life happens

In the middle of January I started my fifth year at University. Saying it out loud seems crazy, for two reasons. First, because a lot of people did not think I would even make it through one term at University because of my mental health problems. If you were one of them, well than I just want to say: “Fuck you!” I am stronger than you thought.

Secondly, because I was only planing on studying at University for 3 years to take my Bachelors Degree, which I have taken, but life happens. Or more exactly I had one exam hanging over me when I finished the thesis in the begining of January last year, so I had to retake it in March. Which meant that I studied one more term to have something to do while I waited to retake that exam. Than Covid happend and a lot of places would not hire people right out of University, so I countinued to study. And now I am here working on my Masters Thesis and If I take one more term after the summer I will have my Masters. And that sounds even more crazy.

I have showed so many people who doubted me that I am stronger than they think and that I will not be defined or limited by my mental health. It has not always been easy doing this, but with the support of my husband and my family and friends I have done this. I also managed to study one term abroad in Edinburgh, an experience I will always value.

I have lost a couple friends over the time, but that is mostly people who can’t handle my success or that have not been able to handle that I still have mental health problems. But I am better without these people. The friends I have gotten over the time I have studied that have stayed with me are true friends. The kind you can call whenever just to talk.

If I can do this then I know that you can go after what you want as well! Go after your dreams.

Love, Nea

The US Election

I am not a person who usually talks much about politics. I have a stand point and I know who I want to win. I been quiet about a lot of things because I believe in free will. But lately I come to realise that a lot of people don’t vote. And then they still complain about the outcome of the election. If you don’t vote you should not have anything to complain about.

The world that we live in today is making me scared and anxious. It feels like the rich people in to world get more and more power and like democracy is failing.

Look at the US where there are a lot of things that have gone wrong. They have an incompitent president that downplayed the Corona Virus and a lot of people died. Or all the shit he does that makes people turn against other people.

Look at the UK were they voted against giving out food for children at school during the holiday. Children are starving in poor family’s but the parliament are well off with food everyday.

Look at Poland about to implement a stricter abortlaw taking away the choice for woman. People are protesting, but will it change anything?

We have the black lives matters movement in almost every country. Policeman and policewomen beating up black people or killing them. Employees following black people around the store. People getting gunned down in there houses by police and nothing happens.

This is just some examples. I could find a lot more and write about. What I want to know is where is the compassion, where is the love, where is everybody’s equal right?

Today is the last day to vote in the US Election. I hope that Trump won’t win the election but with all the fake news and things he has spread around the US and everything his followers have done I fear he might win. I did not think he would have won four years ago, but now I don’t take anything for granted.

It is important that we take a stand against all the injustices in the world. Everybody can do something.

This is just something that has been in my head for a couple of days. I needed to get it out on paper.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ 26th of October

Another Monday and time for Motivational Monday. I am currently sitting in my living room with two sleeping dogs on either side of me. The dogs love sleeping in on Mondays and hate when I go up to early. After breakfast and a short time outside they can easily sleep until noon. And the grey and wet weather we been having here in Sweden also makes them more likely to sleep a lot.

Todays motivational quotes is motivational for me, but I can’t say if it is that for anyone else. You could say it’s more about mindset and less about motivation, but I think about this when I am struggling against my depression. I think about how many years I been having my mental health problems and the fact that I have always, always gotten out on the other side. I will not let my depression, anxiety and panic attacks win over me. Therefore this is a quote that helps me.

This motivates me because I kicked my depressions ass a few times and that makes me stronger. That tells me I can do it again and I know that you can as well. You just need to believe in yourself. As well as remember there are no shame in getting help or asking for help. There are a lot of places out there to get help and it is always a good idea to do if you feel like you can’t do it on your own.

I will use this quote as kind of a mantra for myself this week, since it will be a kind of trying week for me. The whole house is a mess, since we got rid of a big display cabinet this weekend and everything is all over the house. We are also moving around all the furniture in our livingroom because the way we put the furniture when we moved in last December is not working out.

I wish you all fantastic week and take care of yourself.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday – 19th October

It’s Monday again and it’s a late post today. I usually want to post Motivational Monday in the morning, but time has run past so fast this morning. I have been planing my week and started my order for food I am going to pick-up tomorrow afternoon. Since Covid is still here and I am in a risk-group I order food online to pick up at a drive-in at my favorite store. And it is easy to pick up.

I have had a few rough weeks. I am not ready to talk about it again, but my depression is back. I am fighting against every day, because I know it is a fight that I need to do. I don’t want to fall down deeper in my depression and I do things that make me happy. As well as trying to be out for a while if the sun is out.

The quote for today is something that a therapist I had told me and I need to remember this again today. Well, I think I need to remember this always.

This is important. Remember that there is no rush. Take it in your own pace and that all the progress you do is progress. Even if it is as simple as having panic about being outside alone. If you take on step outside your door and stand there for one minute. It is still progress. It is still a step.

I have a lot of things I am working on with my mental health. Some days are easy. Some days are a constant battle. But every progress I do, even small small steps are progress. Be kind to yourself and keep on fighting.

I wish you an amazing week and remember that you are stronger then you think.

Love, Nea

PS. This is the first time I share the quotes as a video.. What do you think?