In the middle of January I started my fifth year at University. Saying it out loud seems crazy, for two reasons. First, because a lot of people did not think I would even make it through one term at University because of my mental health problems. If you were one of them, well than I just want to say: “Fuck you!” I am stronger than you thought.
Secondly, because I was only planing on studying at University for 3 years to take my Bachelors Degree, which I have taken, but life happens. Or more exactly I had one exam hanging over me when I finished the thesis in the begining of January last year, so I had to retake it in March. Which meant that I studied one more term to have something to do while I waited to retake that exam. Than Covid happend and a lot of places would not hire people right out of University, so I countinued to study. And now I am here working on my Masters Thesis and If I take one more term after the summer I will have my Masters. And that sounds even more crazy.
I have showed so many people who doubted me that I am stronger than they think and that I will not be defined or limited by my mental health. It has not always been easy doing this, but with the support of my husband and my family and friends I have done this. I also managed to study one term abroad in Edinburgh, an experience I will always value.
I have lost a couple friends over the time, but that is mostly people who can’t handle my success or that have not been able to handle that I still have mental health problems. But I am better without these people. The friends I have gotten over the time I have studied that have stayed with me are true friends. The kind you can call whenever just to talk.
If I can do this then I know that you can go after what you want as well! Go after your dreams.
Today my last semester at this University starts, or at least the last planed semester. I am thinking about taking one more semester at uni, maybe not this university. I am going to try and get a meeting with my student counselor and look at the course I want to take.
I only have afternoon lectures today, two of them. And the last one ends at six this evening, which means I won’t be home until earliest 7. It’s going to be a long day and I am kind of nervous. This might sound strange, I mean this is my uni, where I already gone for four semesters. But since I went my 5th semester abroad and now I am back here in Sweden, it feels kind of weird. I mean, I am not really the same woman that left Sweden. I feel like I have grown a lot and I know more of what I want in life.
I have always loved my uni, but I loved the Heriot-Watt University as well, and I know I will miss it. But it is really nice to do my last semester here in Sweden. I am looking forward to Autumn and yesterday morning I could almost smell the Autumn in the air. It was cold and crisp. This morning I almost wanted to go inside again because I thought it was so cold, but Zelda was happy just walking and sniffing on everything.
Oracle went with my husband to work earlier this morning and I am dropping Zelda of there on the way to campus. This way I am not alone at home with my nerves, but I do not have to deal with two dogs when I am packing everything up. Plus Oracle gets some extra time alone with my husband, which she really needs.
I can feel my anxiety levels are kind of high right now and it helps me a lot that I have Zelda here at home with me. She is sitting next to me on the sofa right now and the music also helps. I am trying my best to keep myself from spiraling and keep myself grounded. I know I can do this. I also know that I have my husband just a phone call away if I need to talk, which also helps. But now I am going to get ready for my lectures today.
Do you ever have a week that is like a roller coaster? I have had that kind of week.. Its been so many amazing moments, some kind of life changing, and then some really lows. And I want to share this with you. I think it’s kind of important to talk about my low points, but also the high points in my life.
So if I start with last Saturday. I had an amazing day. Kind of life changing for me, because I did something I have never done before. And to be honest its something kind of crazy. Or I don’t really think it is crazy, but I know that a lot of people around me will find this crazy. I dyed my hair pink. Or I got help from my lovely sister-in-law Felicia. She is really amazing.
So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair. This is not an ad, but for you who wonders I used Arctic Fox’s Virgin Pink on my unbleached hair. And the result is what you see down below. So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair.
The reason why I chose Arctic Fox is because: Arctic Fox is vibrant, cruelty-free, vegan semi-permanent hair (taken from Arctic Fox Website). (NOT AN AD).
Then on Sunday I had a kind of dip, because I had some minor panic attacks and actually did not feel so secure in our house. I don’t really know what happen except I had some flashbacks, that triggered anxiety in me. But my husband helped me through it.
Monday was an amazing day. We officially got the keys to our new house. I have been keeping quiet about this for a long time, because it been some uncertainties, but now it is ours. So we (read my husband) is going to do some renovating and then we plan on moving in the end of summer, if everything goes according to our plans. I will write more about the house later, because it is really special for me.
Then on Tuesday, my husband helped his brother moving into his farm, and he was gone the entire day and long into the night. I am starting to get used to my husband being back at work, but then he is usually back at home by 6 pm, but he was not back until after midnight and I had a bad day with panic attacks and anxiety so it was kind of a bad day for me. But a really good day for my brother-in-law to finally move in to the farm.
I also got the my grades on Thursday. My grades for my time in Edinburgh. I been waiting on them for some time and I have been kind of nervous about how it has gone. But I am so happy. I got two A:s and two B:s. I ended up crying some and also doing a happy dance.
Then on Wednesday was so and so day. Kind of boring, but kind of okay. My cold came back, so I spent most of my day under a blanket on the sofa with our two dogs reading books and watching JAG.
Thursday my husband started working some on our new house, or more on our new house. And found that the floor in the room that is going to be our bedroom has an old wooden floor under the carpet. It is untreated so we can probably do something fun with it. Hopefully it is like that under the carpet in the room that will be our office as well.
Then yesterday was both really good day and a kind of hard day. I found out that my name change has gone through, so now I have my husbands last name. I know its been almost one year since we got married, but because everything in Edinburgh was in my maiden name, we decided to wait until we moved home again for me to change. But I am so happy to finally have his last name.
And then in the evening I had flashbacks and anxiety. It was not funny at all, and I had moments I was so scared. My dogs helped a lot and when my husband came home it helped as well. But I slept really bad and today I feel like a zombie, and I am wondering if I should get some sleep.
Today my husband is helping my brother-in-law with some moving as well. Hopefully they will get the last things moved today, but I don’t really know. I am currently home alone with the dogs and it feels okay, which means that I am starting to feel better. One thing I can say is that you can’t let your bad days or moments bring you down. Concentrate on the good things in your life.
This is a post I have wanted to write for a while, but have not really had the time to do. It is about my amazing friend Cat. This Thankful Tuesday post is about her.
The first few weeks of living in Edinburgh was kind of hard for me. I was scared. Would I fit in? Would I find some friends? What would people thinking about someone my age studying abroad?
And in one of my classes, in the first week, we had a quiz about how much we knew about Scotland. The class was a class about Scotland and it’s history, so it was appropriate. Anyway we needed to be divided into teams and I did not know anyone in the class, but I ended up in the same team as Cat and two other people. I am bad, but I really don’t remember there names.. All I can say is I am so happy that I got to be in a team with her, because it was the start of our friendship. Ever after that day, Cat and I sat together in our class and she encouraged me and helped me with finding my place in Scotland then she could ever understand.
Fast forward to the week we was leaving Edinburgh, we had decided to meet up and say good bye and she gave us a present. Typical Scottish things and toys for our dogs. I was speechless. I had not expected anything like that. She is just so thoughtful. And after spending a few hours together and after we got to meet both her wonderful dog Jet and her fiance Cameron we had to say goodbye. It was really hard, she has definitely made my stay abroad so much better.
Cat is an amazing person and we have so much in common. And she always make me laugh. I am so thankful to be able to call her my friend. And I really hope she and I can keep in touch and continue being friends even though we live so far from each other.
We came home to Sweden on Monday. I can’t explain the feeling in my body when we drove over the bridge from Denmark to Sweden. It was so surreal. And then when we drove into our little town and knowing that would soon see my dogs for the first time in 5 months. I started crying of happiness.
Being home these last two days with the dogs have been amazing, even if we came home to Oracle being sick. She has probably eaten something bad outside that have made her sick.
I have spent the days with the dogs and unpacking everything… And I still have a lot to unpack. Also a whole lot of washing to do. But that’s fine. I don’t mind it. I have the best company in the dogs.
Yesterday, my parents came over to take a couple of thing they had forgotten when they moved out on Monday. And my sister-in-law and nephew came over for a visit. It was so nice. I have missed them all so much.
I will try and update more about Scotland and our trip home in a couple of days. Right now I am going to spend some time with the dogs. Have an amazing Wednesday.
It’s Tuesday and I thought I would bring back Thankful Tuesday. This time as a Edinburgh Edition. I have so much to be grateful for during my time here in Edinburgh. It is hard to mention everything that I am thankful for, so I will mention a few things.
My wonderful friend Cat, that I got to know. We had on lecture together every week and I feel like I known her for far longer then just since January. She is a amazing person and she has helped me so much. And I am so happy to get to see her today, one last time before we move back to Sweden.
My husband because, as always, he has been my biggest supporter and always helped me through with my panic and anxiety. He has pushed me into doing much more then I would have done alone.
My wonderful professors that I have had during my time here. They have all been so understanding with my mental health problems and never made me feel like I didn’t belong. I am so grateful for that.
The Park near where we live, where I been able to see dogs playing every day. It has made me miss my dogs a bit less. And happy dogs always makes me smile.
The city of Edinburgh, so beautiful and so interesting. There is always something to look at or something new to learn.
I could list a thousand more things I am grateful for, but not this time. Now I need to start packing. We are leaving Edinburgh on Thursday.
Yesterday I wrote my two final exams so now I officially have Summer Break. I am so happy over this. This morning my husband and I booked somewhere to stay as we take our mini vacation up in the Highlands later in the month.
The exams yesterday was killing me. The first one went pretty well and I think I might get a good grade on that. Even though I had hand cramps in the end. Then I had about two hours break before my last exam that started at 5 pm. I was feeling kind of anxious for this exam and then when I walked into the room and sat down I had a minor panic attack and was thinking about just walking out from the room. But I powered through. I was not really satisfied with the two essays I wrote on the exam, but I did my best. I kind of got a empty head a couple of times and could not come up with anything to write. Hopefully its enough to give me a passing grade. But I just have to wait and see. I also got hand cramps in the last exam.
Today my hand hurts and cramps, but I know it’s nothing to worry about. I still have not processed that I am finished with school here in Edinburgh. I just need to wait to see how my grades are, but I am so happy right now and I am looking forward to be going home in the end of the month.
Now I am going to spend some time with my husband. Have an amazing Wednesday.
Today I have finished my last essay for my time here in Edinburgh. It feels so unreal. Now all I got left on my term here is two exams that I have next week. I can hardly understand how fast the time has gone buy. I love it here in Edinburgh, but I am really homesick right now. I miss my dogs like crazy. And I know that in a months time we are on our way home.
I don’t know if I have told you already but we are going to drive home. It’s going to be a amazing road-trip with out new car that we bought here in Edinburgh last week.
But first we are going to explore Scotland some more. And I am looking forward to it. I am so happy that I took the chance to study abroad. It has been a great experience and I am having so much fun.
I will miss this amazing city when we get home. All the amazing people that I now can call my friends and the feeling I have gotten when I been here. The courage that all of this have given me. I can’t really explain it.
I don’t really know where to start writing today. Last week was a amazing. My mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came to Edinburgh for a visit. They arrived on Wednesday and left on Saturday. I got to show them my university and where we live. We also took them for a visit to Edinburgh zoo.. And spent a day walking around in Edinburgh. I was so happy to have them here and I was so grateful that they took the time to come and visit us. I have missed them like crazy. And even though I was sad that my father and dogs where not here I was very happy.
On Saturday when we said goodbye on the airport I thought I was going to break down completely, but my husband helped me through it. He reminded me that we are going to be back in Sweden in two months time and that I now need to concentrate on the last parts of my studying here. I have two exams and an essay left to write. He helped cheer me up and we took a day just spending time together watching on things on Netflix and cuddling in the couch. Just what I needed.
Then on Sunday it was my birthday. We took a couple of walks and spend time together. I was feeling sick, so we took it quiet easy. I love my husband so much. One of the reasons is because he always makes me feel better and knows how to make the best of every day. He knows I been going through a couple of hard weeks with my mental health and he helps me through it.
Yesterday was a really bad day. I was sick with fever and headache, spending the whole day in bed, trying to get better. Then in the afternoon we found out that a family friend had passed away. It has really shaken me up. And I know he has been sick for sometime, but I just can’t get my head around it. It also feels wrong that I probably won’t be able to attend his funeral.
This last week has me feeling some confusing emotions and I don’t really know what to do about it. I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy for the visit, happy about my birthday with my husband and sad about my friend. And I am still sick… I am sorry if this post is strange and not something you want to read. I just needed to write it to work through it.
I hope you have an fantastic Wednesday and please take care of one an other. Be nice and appreciate the people in your life.
I been thinking about what I want to continue writing on this blog and I figured I still want to write about the things I started writing about when I started this blog. So it’s time for a Thankful Tuesday post again.
I am a very lucky woman to have so many amazing people in my life. And today I want to share with you some of the people that have made it possible for me to study abroad.
First up is my parents, not only have they supported this dream and my goal to study abroad. They are one of the reasons that I actually could go. They have taken in my two dogs full time. Taking care of them. Doing everything I would have done if i was home. My mom has actually gone down a bit in time on her work just to be able to take care of the dogs. They are also the ones that looks after our house and makes sure we get our mail. I am so thankful to have them help us in this way. Without their help I would be home studying at my university in Sweden.
But my biggest supporter is my husband. Not only did he drop everything to go with me. He also supports me emotionally and helps me through all the rough patches I have had here in Scotland. He is my rock and I love him. I am so lucky to be able to say that he is my husband. I believe that I am the luckiest woman in the world to share my life with him. He is here with me everyday and pushes me to actually follow my dreams. I am so thankful that he wanted me to follow my dreams and that he is here with my when I fulfill them.
Then I am thankful for my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I know that they are here for me if I need to talk or get motivation. And I also know that both my brother and sister-in-law helps my parents with the dogs, when it is needed. I know they will help me in any way that I will possible need and I am so thankful to have them in my life. My nephew is the light in my life, he always makes me smile. He has gotten in his head that my dogs, are not mine anymore. No, they are his. So that will be interesting when I get home. I am looking forward to their visit tomorrow and I hope we will have an amazing time together here in Edinburgh. I am thankful that they (and my mother) actually takes the time to come and visit us.
Another person I am thankful for is a friend, Nisse, because he is there as a kind of extra help for my parents when it comes to my dogs. Like for example now that my mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew are coming for a visit, Nisse will take care of the dogs. For you who doesn’t know, my father has heart problems and can’t take care of the dogs by himself so Nisse is going to take them. He usually helps with the dogs when my husband and I have to much going on with studying and working. He is a rock and an amazing friend. I also know that if I need someone to talk to that he would be there for me in an instant. So I am thankful to have Nisse in my life.
Then I want to talk about Cat. She is a new friend I have gotten to know here in Edinburgh. We took a class together and she is so supportive. And so easy to talk to. She has really made me feel at home here in Edinburgh and at uni. And I am so thankful to have met such an amazing person and that I can call her my friend.
I am also thankful for my mother-in-law. I know that she might have had some doubts about me being able to study abroad, although she never said it out loud. She always supported me and my dreams. And now that I am here doing it, she could not be happier. I know that if she was feeling better she would come for a visit and see this part of our lives, but that is not possible right now. But I know that she are there for me if I need her to be.
There are a lot other persons that I am thankful for as well, but these are the persons that has made this experience happen and I am so grateful for them. I know that in two months time I will be home again. And then a lot of other exiting things are going to happen.
Now I am going to clean the apartment a bit. It’s kind of things everywhere and that just need to be taken care of. I hope you all have an wonderful Tuesday.