I forgot

Another Week and no Motivational Monday post yesterday. The reason. I forgot. I know that sounds weird but last week was a bad week. I have been in a kind of argument over mail with one of my professors about my course and I kind of got more depressed.

Then I spent the weekend painting half of the hallway on the second floor. I only painted half because of all the furniture and having to move everything around. But now half the hallway is fixed and the other half needs to be painted. That might not happen this year. But we will see. I painted the hallway white, but I am thinking about maybe doing it in a kind of light blue later, but I don’t know. The white is a good ground if we do it in a different colour.

Today I have had a relax day with Zelda. Oracle has been at my husbands office the whole day so I have spent a lot of time just giving Zelda attention and love. Right now she is laying in my lap sleeping enjoying some alone time with her mum. I have also been in to the city helping my father picking up food as well as pick up food for us. I love that my favorite store has online shopping and then like a drive through to pick it up. Wonderful during these COVID 19 times. They also drive out food but we live to far away.

Now I am going to light a fire in our fireplace and enjoy the peace and quiet before my husband and Oracle comes home. I wish you all a fantastic week!

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ 5 October

It is October and now I can really say that fall is here. The air is crisp, leaves are falling and outside my window I can see the rain falling. I am sitting in the sofa in the living room with a dog on each side. They are tired and just wants to be close.

I am trying to get some things with uni figured out and planing this week. Last week I was sick and I am still not okay. It is just a regular cold that I gotten from my parents. They did a COVID test and it was negative, so I know that I do not have COVID.

With the weather turning grey and it’s getting colder outside I think most of us could use some motivation. I don’t know if you all will thing this is motivating, but it is for me. I found this online last year and I do not know who has said it, but I love it.

This is one important thing. Let things go. Don’t let it pester in your mind. Don’t let it take over your life. Try and look forward instead of backwards. I know this is not always possible, but some things we can let go of. We can let go of so much that we usually don’t do. But let go of old fights, let go of “I wish I would have said this instead”. Or like in my case today, I almost started a fight with a professor over something that was not his fault. He had not gotten the information I thought he had gotten, but now he is trying to fix it. So I am letting go of my angry and trying to take it as it comes. I think the last couple of weeks unsureness made me go into a fight mood directly. So I am letting it all go and relaxing. Now I will take it one day at a time.

I hope you have an fantastic week. And If you can go out and look at the leaves turning. Breath in the crisp air and be thankfull for each day.

Love, Nea

No Motivational Monday?

As some of you probably noticed I did not post a Motivational Monday post yesterday. And the truth is that time just ran away for me. I though about it when I got up, but then I had so much going on with the dogs, the washing-machine that decided not to work properly and studying for my exam on Friday. If I could sum up yesterday it was a crappy crappy day, but today is a new day and we will forget about yesterday and concentrate on the now.

So today I am sharing the song that inspires me the most at the moment. It is a song that’s been out there a while, but since I heard it the first time it has kind of stuck with me.

All I can say, maybe I really need my Motivational Monday to start the week off in the right way. I am going to try and do a post next Monday, but I don’t think that will be an issue. Next Monday I am starting a new course for Uni, since the course I am taking now ends after my exam on Friday. I am a bit nervous over the exam, but I will do my best and that is all I can do.

I am also going into town today to pick up the food I have ordered. My husband is having a full week as well and this will be the second time that I have ordered food to be packed in the foodstore by employes. This is great, becuse I saw a lot of time, I don’t have to be out and about with a lot of people who can be sick and I can stay safe.

But I know that before the year is over there are some stores I need to go to. I been doing the social distancing since early March. All my uni work I can do online, which is great and I have only been out with people when I know it’s safe and that I can control it. I never been in a shop when there are a lot of people there and I am careful. And I will continue to be so until this pandemic is over.

I hope you all are taking care of yourself and keeping your distance from people. Now I really need to start my day and get some studying done.

Love, Nea

I could have had a 5 year old

This feels so strange. That time has moved so fast. But 6 years ago, I was pregnant. Only about two-three months, but still pregnant. I was going away on a vaccation with my brother, my parents and my dog. And my boyfriend (now husband) and I suspected that I was pregnant and decided that if my period had not come when I was back, I would take the test. I had morning sickness. My bobs hurt and well a lot more symptoms.

On the ferry ride back from my vacation I got really sick. My mother thought that I was sea sick, but it was a miscarriage. My stomach hurt and I was bleeding. When I got home I called my doctor and later got the news. Yes, I had been pregnant and I had lost it. I can not describe the emotions inside of me or well anything. But it was one of the worst things I have gone through and in some ways I went through it alone. My boyfriend did not understand what I was going through. His body had not been the one changing and like I said I was only a couple of months on my way.

I got depressed and started to eat to deal with my emotions. I got bigger and gained about 20 kilograms. And then I got the question from someone. “Are you pregnant?” It felt like a slap in the face and I had to try and hold it together. I had lost my baby and I get that question. So I ate some more. And everywere I looked it seemed like people were getting pregnant and having babys and here I was.. feeling empty and having no idea what to do. I was unemployed, gaining weight and unhappy. My boyfriend helped me thourugh it the best he could but it still hurts this time a year. In just a few days it will be the date that I lost the baby and that day I let my self grieve.

Now I know, after a couple more miscarriages that I can get pregnant, but not keep the baby. And if the baby by any chance would survive my life would be on the line. There is nothing that can be done. At least nothing that would be worth it for me. So we, my husband and I, have made the decision that we won’t have biological children. And as it is today, we don’t know if we will ever want children at all. It was a decision that took a lot of talking and being honest with each other. It hurt, a lot, I am not going to lie. But in the end we are in a better place in out relationship and I am happy. With our decision, with my life and with our future.

Even though my heart still yearns for a baby sometimes I don’t really feel the same pull like I did before. And writing this post, do not hurt as much as it did finding out I can’t have children a couple of years ago. This has not been something I have shared with the world before, only close family. But I feel it’s time.

Time to heal, even though I will always wonder who that baby could have been. And every other baby I lost. But that first miscarriage it was the one that I carried the baby inside of me for the longest time. The other’s I was only about a month pregnant, not two to three months. And there was a noticeable difference inside me and my body.

It is time to be open and honest about this, not only because I don’t really belive in keeping things like this secret. And because I am sick and tired of getting questions like: “When are the two of you going to have a baby?” “Are you not getting into the age of having children now?” “Are you pregnant?”

Nobody should ask these questions. And I have to admit. I have asked the first question to people and now I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have nothing to do with their decision to have or not have children. It is their life’s. So if you are one of these people. I am truly sorry if I ever caused you any hurt because I am asked you about having kids. I hope you can forgive me.

Love, Nea

Still here

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea

Getting there..

Yesterday I sent in the essay that was due, like 30 minutes before deadline. And I wrote on it until I sent it in. It was not my finest work, but it will have to due. I am trying to be more nice to myself. I am already feeling down and uni is not the most important thing in my life right now. Yes, I want to do well in school, but getting out of my depression and feeling like myself again is more important. So that is what I am working on.

My husband is the greatest support I can have right now. He really helps me get through the day. Without him I don’t really know I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. He listens to what I need from him and he gives it to me. Does not matter if I want him to push me to actually do things or if its just to hold my hand when things are extra hard.

I don’t know if I have written about it before but since December I been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy for my fear of dentists. It has been hard work, but I have gone through the whole treatment now. So now I have started treatment for fixing my teeth by a special dentist. I have a illness that has left me with damage on my teeth and this specialist is helping me fix it. It is going to be a treatment that will be ongoing for about a year and even though I am not as scared of the dentist anymore, it is sill scary. But I am doing it, because it is important.

Today I am working on a power point presentation for my essay that I have to present tomorrow after lunch. I am kind of nervous, but I will do my best.

I am slowly starting to feel better. My depression is ever present as well as my anxiety, but I feel like I can bet this. I have done it before and I know that it takes hard work and a lot of self love, but I am stronger than this shit and I know I will be even stronger for getting through this.

I wish you all an fantastic week and remember keep fighting! It is worth it.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

December, stress and moving

Hey everybody,
I am alive.. It’s been so long since I posted here but between writing my Bachelors thesis and preparing to move to the new house. There have not been a lot of time for anything for a couple of months, but I hope to be able to continue posting here soon.

The stress of everything has been bad for my mental health. I have had more panic attacks and I have been more anxious. I know that it is the stress and I am just trying to work through it the best I can. Some periods in ones life are harder then other, but I want to feel the ups and down in my life. It helps me with my writing and feeling like a human.

It is 10 days to Christmas and I am looking forward to spending some time with my family and maybe have a couple of days without studying. And hopefully wake up in the new house on Christmas. But we will see.

Today I am going to shop for some Christmas food with my mum and then I am going to pack and wash cloths. And Probably watch a Christmas movie.

I wish you all an fantastic Saturday,
Love, Nea

First snow, exam studying and remembering our loved ones

Today the first snow of the season fell. It was so beautiful and we took the morning walk with the dogs in it. I just love snow. But of course, it melted away when it hit the ground. But the cold weather is coming this week and I hope we get a proper white Christmas and winter this year.

I spent the weekend studying for my exam on Friday. I really need this exam to go well. And I also have a presentation on Tuesday that is very important for me because it is in front of some people who works for the company I want to work for in the future.

Yesterday evening my husband and I went to two different cemeteries to light candles for our loved one who is no longer with us. It is a tradition to do once a year. I have heard it is called All Saints’ Day in English, but I don’t know if it is true. It is so beautiful with all the candles lit at the cemeteries. And we visited the grave of a where special person, a family friend, who died when I was studying in Edinburgh. I have not had the courage to visit his grave since I came home. But yesterday I did and we left a candle burning on his grave. I cried and got to say my goodbye for real. Because it became real when I saw his name. He really is gone. And he is missed.

I just wanted to stop by with this short post and let you know that I am still alive, but I can’t guarantee I will be able to post anything this week. Maybe next weekend. I need to study for my exam. I wish you all a fantastic week.

Love, Nea