Still here

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea

Getting there..

Yesterday I sent in the essay that was due, like 30 minutes before deadline. And I wrote on it until I sent it in. It was not my finest work, but it will have to due. I am trying to be more nice to myself. I am already feeling down and uni is not the most important thing in my life right now. Yes, I want to do well in school, but getting out of my depression and feeling like myself again is more important. So that is what I am working on.

My husband is the greatest support I can have right now. He really helps me get through the day. Without him I don’t really know I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. He listens to what I need from him and he gives it to me. Does not matter if I want him to push me to actually do things or if its just to hold my hand when things are extra hard.

I don’t know if I have written about it before but since December I been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy for my fear of dentists. It has been hard work, but I have gone through the whole treatment now. So now I have started treatment for fixing my teeth by a special dentist. I have a illness that has left me with damage on my teeth and this specialist is helping me fix it. It is going to be a treatment that will be ongoing for about a year and even though I am not as scared of the dentist anymore, it is sill scary. But I am doing it, because it is important.

Today I am working on a power point presentation for my essay that I have to present tomorrow after lunch. I am kind of nervous, but I will do my best.

I am slowly starting to feel better. My depression is ever present as well as my anxiety, but I feel like I can bet this. I have done it before and I know that it takes hard work and a lot of self love, but I am stronger than this shit and I know I will be even stronger for getting through this.

I wish you all an fantastic week and remember keep fighting! It is worth it.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

December, stress and moving

Hey everybody,
I am alive.. It’s been so long since I posted here but between writing my Bachelors thesis and preparing to move to the new house. There have not been a lot of time for anything for a couple of months, but I hope to be able to continue posting here soon.

The stress of everything has been bad for my mental health. I have had more panic attacks and I have been more anxious. I know that it is the stress and I am just trying to work through it the best I can. Some periods in ones life are harder then other, but I want to feel the ups and down in my life. It helps me with my writing and feeling like a human.

It is 10 days to Christmas and I am looking forward to spending some time with my family and maybe have a couple of days without studying. And hopefully wake up in the new house on Christmas. But we will see.

Today I am going to shop for some Christmas food with my mum and then I am going to pack and wash cloths. And Probably watch a Christmas movie.

I wish you all an fantastic Saturday,
Love, Nea

First snow, exam studying and remembering our loved ones

Today the first snow of the season fell. It was so beautiful and we took the morning walk with the dogs in it. I just love snow. But of course, it melted away when it hit the ground. But the cold weather is coming this week and I hope we get a proper white Christmas and winter this year.

I spent the weekend studying for my exam on Friday. I really need this exam to go well. And I also have a presentation on Tuesday that is very important for me because it is in front of some people who works for the company I want to work for in the future.

Yesterday evening my husband and I went to two different cemeteries to light candles for our loved one who is no longer with us. It is a tradition to do once a year. I have heard it is called All Saints’ Day in English, but I don’t know if it is true. It is so beautiful with all the candles lit at the cemeteries. And we visited the grave of a where special person, a family friend, who died when I was studying in Edinburgh. I have not had the courage to visit his grave since I came home. But yesterday I did and we left a candle burning on his grave. I cried and got to say my goodbye for real. Because it became real when I saw his name. He really is gone. And he is missed.

I just wanted to stop by with this short post and let you know that I am still alive, but I can’t guarantee I will be able to post anything this week. Maybe next weekend. I need to study for my exam. I wish you all a fantastic week.

Love, Nea

Locked out, Sunday and Cold

As some of you might know from other posts. I am really clumsy. I walk into furniture, I fall down a lot and most things I do can go wrong. Well let me tell you about yesterday.

So I was having a nice quiet morning in the sofa, listening to music in my headphones not to wake up my husband. I had eaten breakfast and was trying to just relax. When one of my dogs, Oracle started getting stressed and walking and whining. I knew this meant she needed to go out, so I quietly put on more cloths because it was like -4 Celsius outside. And went out with Oracle. So far so good. But when we where back after our walk I drooped my keys down between our stairs and the locked door. Not good. I could not reach it even how much I tired and I could not move the stairs. Not good at all. I tried to keep Oracle quiet while I tried to get a hold of my husband. I tried calling both his work mobile and his private mobile. I tried messenger. I was also knocking like crazy on the door. Both me and Oracle was getting frustrated and cold.

After a while I messaged my brother, because he lives in the same town as us and has a key, but they where not at home. I felt kind of defeated, but then my husband woke up and let us in. Now I can laugh at my clumsiness, but right then I was so mad at myself.

So what can I say. The clumsiness continues. But that is just me. I am stating to get used to it now. And my husband too.

I hope you have an amazing evening.

Love, Nea

Last semester

Today my last semester at this University starts, or at least the last planed semester. I am thinking about taking one more semester at uni, maybe not this university. I am going to try and get a meeting with my student counselor and look at the course I want to take.

One of the songs that motivates me right now.

I only have afternoon lectures today, two of them. And the last one ends at six this evening, which means I won’t be home until earliest 7. It’s going to be a long day and I am kind of nervous. This might sound strange, I mean this is my uni, where I already gone for four semesters. But since I went my 5th semester abroad and now I am back here in Sweden, it feels kind of weird. I mean, I am not really the same woman that left Sweden. I feel like I have grown a lot and I know more of what I want in life.

I have always loved my uni, but I loved the Heriot-Watt University as well, and I know I will miss it. But it is really nice to do my last semester here in Sweden. I am looking forward to Autumn and yesterday morning I could almost smell the Autumn in the air. It was cold and crisp. This morning I almost wanted to go inside again because I thought it was so cold, but Zelda was happy just walking and sniffing on everything.

One of the motivating songs I listen to today.

Oracle went with my husband to work earlier this morning and I am dropping Zelda of there on the way to campus. This way I am not alone at home with my nerves, but I do not have to deal with two dogs when I am packing everything up. Plus Oracle gets some extra time alone with my husband, which she really needs.

I can feel my anxiety levels are kind of high right now and it helps me a lot that I have Zelda here at home with me. She is sitting next to me on the sofa right now and the music also helps. I am trying my best to keep myself from spiraling and keep myself grounded. I know I can do this. I also know that I have my husband just a phone call away if I need to talk, which also helps. But now I am going to get ready for my lectures today.

I wish you all an amazing Tuesday.

Love, Nea

August 26 ~ Motivational Monday

It’s Monday again. I don’t really know where last week went. It feels like it was Monday like two days ago. Maybe that is just me..

This morning I remembered that I will go two courses this term, not just one. This is because I will be writing my Bachelors Paper this term. And this gave me a mini-freak-out. I mean I was going to need to keep my eyes on two schedules and be orginized. For those who know me know I am not really orginized. I just fake beeing orginized. So today I really needed a motivational quote to keep fighting and not be overwhelmed. I found this one:

So that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to be tougher, because I know I can do this. Even if it sometimes feels hopeless I know I am stronger than I think. And I know you are too. Just do as I and think about everything you have done so far and what you have survived. You have survived all the bad days in your life and it has made you stronger.

Now I am going to make a gameplan for how I will be tougher, because next week uni starts again. And I will be ready for it. I wish you an kick-ass week.

Love, Nea

Not my day today..

It feels like everything that can mess with me is messing with me today. The computer have frozen on me a couple of times today. My usb-stick has locked down, so I can’t ad or change anything on it. I don’t really know how that happened, because I used it yesterday and everything was working like normal.

It’s been raining the whole day here, and this morning I put on the dogs their raincovers, because Zelda hates walking in the rain. This morning was no exception, she walked like 20 meters and then she had done all of her business and wanted to go inside again, but Oracle loves walking and does not care about the weather, so we continued walking. When I got in about 30 minutes later my shoes was wet all the way through as well as my jacket and pants. I also had to pissed of dogs, Zelda because she had to walk in the rain and Oracle because we did not walk as long as we usually does.

This is just a small part of my day. I will not share any more, because it feels like I am only whining, and I don’t want to do that. I have to say that I now have to really cozy dogs that want to cuddle and be close. And I have actually gotten some important things done today, so the day has not been to bad.

I wish you all an amazing Friday evening, and don’t forget that Taylor Swifts new album Lover now is out! I have been listening to it all day long.