Travel dreams

I am sitting here at home in the livingroom looking at pictures I took when we lived in Scotland. It was an fantastic experiance and I miss it a lot. I am also kind of sad over all the things that we did not do, but I know we are going to go back. There is no question about it. I am hoping we are going to be able to go next year, but right now with COVID-19 it does not seem to be happening.

I am looking on the pictures because I am going to order some enlargements to put on our where bare walls. I have actually not put a single picture up on the walls and we have been living here over 6 months now. So I think it is about time. It is just so hard to decide what to put up and where. I am planing on doing a kind of family wall as well, with the persons we care about the most, both alive and those who have sadly passed.

As I am sitting here I am reflection over all the places I been to (which is not that many) and all the places I still want to see.

I have been to (I am not including like day trips or when we drove through conteries); Norway, Ireland, The UK and Czech Republic.

Places I want to go to: Iceland, America, Spain, Italy, France, Austraila, New Zealand and Canada.

Traveling is a bit harder for me than some other persons. And that is because of my allergies, asthma and mental health. It is not impossible, but usually takes a lot of planing and it can be kind of scary. I know we are going back to the UK and Ireland, where it was kind of easy. And I am going to do my best to be able to go all the other places I want as well. But time will tell.

Where are your goal to travel? And where is your favorite place to travel?

Love, Nea

Memories

I have spent the last couple of days bawling my eyes out. Nothing sad has happened, but I am going through a lot of old stuff. Some of it is shit and some of it is priceless for me. As some of you know my husband and bought a house one year ago yesterday. This house is very special to me, since my paternal grandparents has been living in this house since the 70s and we bought it from my grandmothers estate after she passed on. The house has not been renovated since the late 70s and my husband has been hard at work. I have helped some, but not a whole lot.

But the stuff I been going through is mainly things after my grandparents. Old books, old papers and old photos. I have seen so many old pictures of me with my grandparents and a whole lot of family gaterings and such. It has been amazing, but hard at the same time. I lost my grandfather suddenly in 2009. I was not prepared at all. My grandmother passed in the summer of 2018. I was more prepared since she been ill a long time, but it was still very hard.

This house has always been my safe haven when things have been rough. Coming here has always helped me deal with everything. And my grandparents has always been supportive of my live and the choices I have made along the way. I miss them every day and going though these left stuff has me crying.

Not a very uplifting post, but I am grateful that I have had these two wonderful people in my life and I know that I will always have the memories to look back on.

Love, Nea

Black Lives Matter

I been quiet here for some time now.. And that is because I am scared over what is happening in the world. I am scared for black people, and I have been for a long time. I have started a post so many times to adress this and I have no words. No words for what is happening. I have participated in a couple of online protests and I have tried to educate myself on Black Lives Matter. As well as using my social media to spread awareness.

Black Lives Matter and this is about human lives. This is about Human rights. This is not politics. This is about everyone’s equal worth on earth. If you want to educate yourself about there are a lot of ways you can do so. Watch Documentary. Read books.

Watch this:

Jane Elliott is the best. Everyone needs to listen to her and understand that there are only one race. The human race is only one race.

Also watch this:

Educate yourself. Do what you can to show that this is not okay. Black Lives Matter!!

Motivational Monday ~ 1 June

Happy Monday Everybody,
All the things that are happening in the world right now makes me worried, sad and mad. And I need a bit of motivation to get me through the last week of uni.

It is important to never give up. Even if times are though. And I thought this quote kind of applys.

“When Life gets you down, do you wanna know what you’ve gotta do? Just keep swimming”” ~ Dory from Disney’s Finding Nemo

So keep on swimming and don’t give up.

Love, Nea

PS. sorry for the short post. I am swamped with schoolwork for Uni, but hopefully soon I will be able to post more and longer post. I have so much I want to share.

Motivational Monday

I have not done a post like this in so long, but in times that is hard, like now, I feel like we all can use some extra motivation to get through the day.

This is a quote from one of my favorite movies and I hope if motivates you like it always does with me.

“You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” ~ Good Will Hunting (Robin Williams)

This quote always help me appreciate things more and help me not focus all on the negative. I know that life is hard for a lot of people right now because I am one of them. I am in self-isolation because I have a lot of underlying diseases that put me at risk. But I am grateful for all hard working people who are doing everything in their power to help everyone out. Nurses, doctors, cleaners, food store workers, police, ambulance personal and so many more professions that are giving us there all.

I wish you all a good Monday and hang in there!

Love, Nea

Still here

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea

Bad Head space

Days like today I wish I could kick my demons ass. Like if I could get them to materialize in front of me so I could hit them over and over again. Some bad shit has been going down this last couple of weeks. Some things I am not ready to share, all I can say is that two people that has been friends with my family and me has passed away. That plus the depression I am already fighting is fucking up my head.

So I have a bad head space and now I also have a cold. That is why I want to kick my demons ass. Like how satisfying would it not be to get you depression and/or anxiety to be like a solid for that you could kick and hit. I am not a violent person, but sometimes this would be really good to do.

I am still trying to do my best with my schoolwork on Uni, but its a battle to get the energy and motivation to do something. I am not giving up. I will continue to fight. Because I know that someday soon I will be feeling better. I know that I can bet this and I know that ever bit of the fight I am doing now is worth it. Because I love so much in this world and I am loved.

I am sorry for my rambling. But I needed to get this out. Writing about my struggles help me deal with it.

So remember: Always keep fighting!

Love, Nea

Getting there..

Yesterday I sent in the essay that was due, like 30 minutes before deadline. And I wrote on it until I sent it in. It was not my finest work, but it will have to due. I am trying to be more nice to myself. I am already feeling down and uni is not the most important thing in my life right now. Yes, I want to do well in school, but getting out of my depression and feeling like myself again is more important. So that is what I am working on.

My husband is the greatest support I can have right now. He really helps me get through the day. Without him I don’t really know I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. He listens to what I need from him and he gives it to me. Does not matter if I want him to push me to actually do things or if its just to hold my hand when things are extra hard.

I don’t know if I have written about it before but since December I been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy for my fear of dentists. It has been hard work, but I have gone through the whole treatment now. So now I have started treatment for fixing my teeth by a special dentist. I have a illness that has left me with damage on my teeth and this specialist is helping me fix it. It is going to be a treatment that will be ongoing for about a year and even though I am not as scared of the dentist anymore, it is sill scary. But I am doing it, because it is important.

Today I am working on a power point presentation for my essay that I have to present tomorrow after lunch. I am kind of nervous, but I will do my best.

I am slowly starting to feel better. My depression is ever present as well as my anxiety, but I feel like I can bet this. I have done it before and I know that it takes hard work and a lot of self love, but I am stronger than this shit and I know I will be even stronger for getting through this.

I wish you all an fantastic week and remember keep fighting! It is worth it.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea