Motivational Monday – 19th October

It’s Monday again and it’s a late post today. I usually want to post Motivational Monday in the morning, but time has run past so fast this morning. I have been planing my week and started my order for food I am going to pick-up tomorrow afternoon. Since Covid is still here and I am in a risk-group I order food online to pick up at a drive-in at my favorite store. And it is easy to pick up.

I have had a few rough weeks. I am not ready to talk about it again, but my depression is back. I am fighting against every day, because I know it is a fight that I need to do. I don’t want to fall down deeper in my depression and I do things that make me happy. As well as trying to be out for a while if the sun is out.

The quote for today is something that a therapist I had told me and I need to remember this again today. Well, I think I need to remember this always.

This is important. Remember that there is no rush. Take it in your own pace and that all the progress you do is progress. Even if it is as simple as having panic about being outside alone. If you take on step outside your door and stand there for one minute. It is still progress. It is still a step.

I have a lot of things I am working on with my mental health. Some days are easy. Some days are a constant battle. But every progress I do, even small small steps are progress. Be kind to yourself and keep on fighting.

I wish you an amazing week and remember that you are stronger then you think.

Love, Nea

PS. This is the first time I share the quotes as a video.. What do you think?

I forgot

Another Week and no Motivational Monday post yesterday. The reason. I forgot. I know that sounds weird but last week was a bad week. I have been in a kind of argument over mail with one of my professors about my course and I kind of got more depressed.

Then I spent the weekend painting half of the hallway on the second floor. I only painted half because of all the furniture and having to move everything around. But now half the hallway is fixed and the other half needs to be painted. That might not happen this year. But we will see. I painted the hallway white, but I am thinking about maybe doing it in a kind of light blue later, but I don’t know. The white is a good ground if we do it in a different colour.

Today I have had a relax day with Zelda. Oracle has been at my husbands office the whole day so I have spent a lot of time just giving Zelda attention and love. Right now she is laying in my lap sleeping enjoying some alone time with her mum. I have also been in to the city helping my father picking up food as well as pick up food for us. I love that my favorite store has online shopping and then like a drive through to pick it up. Wonderful during these COVID 19 times. They also drive out food but we live to far away.

Now I am going to light a fire in our fireplace and enjoy the peace and quiet before my husband and Oracle comes home. I wish you all a fantastic week!

Love, Nea

I could have had a 5 year old

This feels so strange. That time has moved so fast. But 6 years ago, I was pregnant. Only about two-three months, but still pregnant. I was going away on a vaccation with my brother, my parents and my dog. And my boyfriend (now husband) and I suspected that I was pregnant and decided that if my period had not come when I was back, I would take the test. I had morning sickness. My bobs hurt and well a lot more symptoms.

On the ferry ride back from my vacation I got really sick. My mother thought that I was sea sick, but it was a miscarriage. My stomach hurt and I was bleeding. When I got home I called my doctor and later got the news. Yes, I had been pregnant and I had lost it. I can not describe the emotions inside of me or well anything. But it was one of the worst things I have gone through and in some ways I went through it alone. My boyfriend did not understand what I was going through. His body had not been the one changing and like I said I was only a couple of months on my way.

I got depressed and started to eat to deal with my emotions. I got bigger and gained about 20 kilograms. And then I got the question from someone. “Are you pregnant?” It felt like a slap in the face and I had to try and hold it together. I had lost my baby and I get that question. So I ate some more. And everywere I looked it seemed like people were getting pregnant and having babys and here I was.. feeling empty and having no idea what to do. I was unemployed, gaining weight and unhappy. My boyfriend helped me thourugh it the best he could but it still hurts this time a year. In just a few days it will be the date that I lost the baby and that day I let my self grieve.

Now I know, after a couple more miscarriages that I can get pregnant, but not keep the baby. And if the baby by any chance would survive my life would be on the line. There is nothing that can be done. At least nothing that would be worth it for me. So we, my husband and I, have made the decision that we won’t have biological children. And as it is today, we don’t know if we will ever want children at all. It was a decision that took a lot of talking and being honest with each other. It hurt, a lot, I am not going to lie. But in the end we are in a better place in out relationship and I am happy. With our decision, with my life and with our future.

Even though my heart still yearns for a baby sometimes I don’t really feel the same pull like I did before. And writing this post, do not hurt as much as it did finding out I can’t have children a couple of years ago. This has not been something I have shared with the world before, only close family. But I feel it’s time.

Time to heal, even though I will always wonder who that baby could have been. And every other baby I lost. But that first miscarriage it was the one that I carried the baby inside of me for the longest time. The other’s I was only about a month pregnant, not two to three months. And there was a noticeable difference inside me and my body.

It is time to be open and honest about this, not only because I don’t really belive in keeping things like this secret. And because I am sick and tired of getting questions like: “When are the two of you going to have a baby?” “Are you not getting into the age of having children now?” “Are you pregnant?”

Nobody should ask these questions. And I have to admit. I have asked the first question to people and now I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have nothing to do with their decision to have or not have children. It is their life’s. So if you are one of these people. I am truly sorry if I ever caused you any hurt because I am asked you about having kids. I hope you can forgive me.

Love, Nea

Minivaccation

I am going on a minivaccation with my mum and nephew today. We are going somewhere that holds some of my best childhood summer memorys.. but I am anxious and are having a small panic episode.

I really don’t want to mess up my nephews vaccation with my mental health. I want him to have fun. This does not mean that I am hiding my problems from him. I have decided that I am going to be open and honest with everyone around me. Includimg my nephew.

I want children to know that sometimes you don’t feel all right and that its okay to get help. I want to teach people everything I wanted to hear or needed to hear when my mental health problems started.. when I was 14-15 years old.

This does not mean that I am going to explain my depression and anxiety to him. But I will talk about it if he asks and be as honest as I can without scaring him.

Now I am going to continue packing. Have a lovely day.

Love, Nea

Still here

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea

Bad Head space

Days like today I wish I could kick my demons ass. Like if I could get them to materialize in front of me so I could hit them over and over again. Some bad shit has been going down this last couple of weeks. Some things I am not ready to share, all I can say is that two people that has been friends with my family and me has passed away. That plus the depression I am already fighting is fucking up my head.

So I have a bad head space and now I also have a cold. That is why I want to kick my demons ass. Like how satisfying would it not be to get you depression and/or anxiety to be like a solid for that you could kick and hit. I am not a violent person, but sometimes this would be really good to do.

I am still trying to do my best with my schoolwork on Uni, but its a battle to get the energy and motivation to do something. I am not giving up. I will continue to fight. Because I know that someday soon I will be feeling better. I know that I can bet this and I know that ever bit of the fight I am doing now is worth it. Because I love so much in this world and I am loved.

I am sorry for my rambling. But I needed to get this out. Writing about my struggles help me deal with it.

So remember: Always keep fighting!

Love, Nea

Getting there..

Yesterday I sent in the essay that was due, like 30 minutes before deadline. And I wrote on it until I sent it in. It was not my finest work, but it will have to due. I am trying to be more nice to myself. I am already feeling down and uni is not the most important thing in my life right now. Yes, I want to do well in school, but getting out of my depression and feeling like myself again is more important. So that is what I am working on.

My husband is the greatest support I can have right now. He really helps me get through the day. Without him I don’t really know I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. He listens to what I need from him and he gives it to me. Does not matter if I want him to push me to actually do things or if its just to hold my hand when things are extra hard.

I don’t know if I have written about it before but since December I been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy for my fear of dentists. It has been hard work, but I have gone through the whole treatment now. So now I have started treatment for fixing my teeth by a special dentist. I have a illness that has left me with damage on my teeth and this specialist is helping me fix it. It is going to be a treatment that will be ongoing for about a year and even though I am not as scared of the dentist anymore, it is sill scary. But I am doing it, because it is important.

Today I am working on a power point presentation for my essay that I have to present tomorrow after lunch. I am kind of nervous, but I will do my best.

I am slowly starting to feel better. My depression is ever present as well as my anxiety, but I feel like I can bet this. I have done it before and I know that it takes hard work and a lot of self love, but I am stronger than this shit and I know I will be even stronger for getting through this.

I wish you all an fantastic week and remember keep fighting! It is worth it.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

Bye Bye 2019, Hello 2020

Happy New Year! I know this is very late.. I mean we are already 20 days into the new year, but I got the flu on Christmas Eve and had it for almost 3 weeks.. After that life has been about getting caught up with all. But now I finally have a bit more time and I wanted to share a post with you.

2019 is over and it was a good year, for most parts. The year started with me following a dream and moving to Edinburgh to study a term. It was so scary but wonderfully at the same time. The first two weeks where filled with a lot of tears, but I am happy that mu husband made me stick to it. Because studying there was one of the best experiences I have ever had. And I got an amazing friend, Cat, as well.

Under 2019 we moved three times. It fells kind of crazy now, but we moved from Sweden to Edinburgh in the beginning of the year. And then back to Sweden again in the beginning of summer. We actually bought a car in Edinburgh that we drove through Europe to get home to Sweden. It was full of all our things, but it was a trip I never will forget.

Then the weekend before Christmas we moved to out new home. It was really bad timing of us to get the flu at Christmas, because it has meant that we the last couple of weeks been living in our suitcases and boxes. We are slowly getting things in the right places, but we still have a lot of things and furniture left in the old house. And one of the hard things with this is that when you are looking for something and remember that it’s in the other house 30 minutes away, by car.

The view from out front porch the other day.

But I am thankful for 2019. A year I will never forget. Now I am ready for 2020. And I am going to make the year as good as I can. I know my husband and I will have a great year together, renovating our new home to make it more ours.

I wish you all an fantastic, magical 2020.

Love, Nea