Hi Everyone!

I been kind of MIA for months and it sucks. I have been wanting to come on here to write for a long time, but the truth is that I have not really know what to write. My mental health has declined and I been fighting like crazy just to get up out of bed most days. I will not go into too much detail at this post, but I been struggling and even though I have wanted to share this with you I have not had the energy. I am slowly getting better, or at least it feels like that. But I am still struggling and fighting. I am also waiting to see a psychologist. There are long queues all over Sweden, probably since the pandemic caused a lot of peoples mental health took a hit from it.

I am going to try and be more active here, but I will probably talk more about my struggles and it might be triggering for some. I will try and write warnings before I do, but I might forget.

Just remember that even though you are struggling with your health, you are still worthy of love and happiness. It might feel like you are all alone in the world, but I promise you that you are not,

Write to you soon again,

Love Nea

Tuesday Truths

As some of you might have noticed I did not post a Motivational Monday post yesterday. I just did not have the time or energy. I have been working hard on my mental health and trying to keep my head over water. But it is though and I am struggling. I want this blog to be uplifting and help people. However, I still feel like being honest is the best thing I can do.

I hope you all can be understanding that I will post on here when I want and when I have the time. So far 2022 has been stressful, messy, sad and great at the same time. I have more emotions then I thought was possible. I am trying my best to keep it all together and just move forward.

I wish you all a fantastic week! And what ever you are going through! YOU GOT THIS!

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ 7th February

Monday again and the sun is shining. I have already had a productive day and it makes me happy. I decided to start this week in the best possible way by just starting doing things that needed to be done. I wrote a list yesterday of what I needed to do this week and I have already tackled 5 things, which makes me really happy. I remembered this morning a quote I read the other day, which motivated me a lot. So that will be this week’s motivational quote.

I try to get more things done than just talking about doing things. It’s hard but when I do the things I talked about I feel happier and free. I can do anything I set my mind to and I know you can too. I am working hard on getting my degree, but also challenging my mental health and improving. It’s hard getting out of bed some days, but by doing that and getting things done I feel better. I know I will have off days, we all do. But the days I get things done helps, even with my off days, cause I know I can get back to getting things done.

I wish you all a magical week and remember you can do this!

Love, Nea

Lists

I guess I am not the only one who is forgetful. And I know that there are more people with depression and anxiety who need to have goals of what to do during the day to be able to get things done. This means that I write a lot of lists. Lists of things I need to do, like the dishes or laundry and watering the plants. But also lists of what groceries are needed, what we are going to eat that week, as well as lists of what I want to share on this blog and my Instagram linked to this blog. As well as on my bookstagram and book blog. I also write lists of what I am thankful for and the top three things that have happened in a week. This helps me find the light in the dark.

I think I write lists of almost everything and it helps me. Helps me remember, helps me get things done, and helps me focus on good things. I know some people get annoyed when I talk about my lists, but they help me. Therefore they are important.

Today I started once again on a list of what I am thankful for. This is a list that never really changes, only smaller things on it or seasonal things. But it helps me. I want to share this list with you. It might help you or give you the idea to try your own list. So here goes:

What I am thankful for:

  • My Husband
  • Oracle (my corgi)
  • Zelda (my second corgi)
  • My family
  • My friends
  • My house
  • My happy childhood memories
  • My writing
  • My books
  • The food I eat
  • The clothes
  • My warm and comfy bed
  • My time
  • My garden
  • The woods around me
  • The animals that I see living in the woods
  • The sun
  • The smell of the warming fire in our fireplace
  • My stubbornness
  • The hope of a white winter
  • The happiness I feel when I watch my husband
  • the happiness I feel when my dogs chase each other on the frosty ground in the garden
  • The happiness I feel when my nephew or neice wants to play or just be with me
  • Having somewere to share my struggles

This list is shorter than the real list. But this is what I wrote in about five minutes. And looking at it makes me feel thankful and blessed. I also have hope for the future. I have so much love and support around me and I know I can make it through. Just as I know that you can make it through.

Love, Nea

World Mental Health Day 2021

Today is World Mental Health Day. I read that this day was first celebrated in 1992, almost 20 years. A lot have changes since then, but there is still a lot of misinformation and shame linked to mental health.

I still have times that people look at me strange when I tell them about my depression and/or anxiety. Some people don’t want to get to know me because of this. Some companies don’t want to employ me because of this. But you know what? I am more than my mental health issues. I am more than my depression. I am more than my anxiety. I am just as important as other people. I am just as worthy of love and affection. Of friendship. Of living. I am not worth less than anyone else.

You are not worth less. You are worthy of love, friendship and so much more. We all are. It does not matter if we have mental health problems or not.

I hope that we in another 20 years can be more open without being judged. I hope that we can continue working for a better world for all of us. I don’t want people to be ashamed about their struggles. I want people to be able to be open, and get the help ans support they need.

I know we all can do better and help spread the awareness. I am trying to be more open with my struggles and I hope you can to. It’s okay to have problems. It’s okay to ask for help.

Motivational Monday ~ 30 August

Time for another Motivational Monday. Today my term at Uni starts. The plan at the moment is that this will be my last term and then out in the real world, or as I call it employment. It’s been hard to get work these last years, because of Covid. Companies do not want to employ people without any experience, which means that I with my mental health, my lack of employment history and fresh from uni makes it hard to get a job. I have been trying for since I got my Bachelors Degree.

As many of you might know, depression makes one kind of pessimistic. To be honest, it sucks. I grew up trying to be optimistic. Trying to see the good in everything and find the silver lining. Now I just see problems and difficulty’s. I am working on getting back to being more optimistic which is why I thought the following quote would be a good one for this weeks Motivational Monday.

I don’t know if people will really feel like this is motivational, but for me it is a reminder to try and find opportunity’s and what is good. I know it’s not possible in every situation, but I want to try and get back some of my old self. I want to try and turn my thoughts into more positive thoughts. I think it might help with my depression.

I don’t know about you, but don’t you think it is better to try and make situations better by trying to see it from a more positive outlook than to be negative about everything? At least that is what I am going to try and do.

I wish you all an fantastic week!

Love, Nea

Important to remember

Sometime you need to make decisions that are hard, even though you know that it is for your own sake. Like today. I had to withdraw from a course, because I need to finish my master thesis and I can’t do that and study 100%. That would mean that I would be putting in at least 80 hours weeks until the end of September. And my mental health would not handle that. I would be a wreck.

It feels like a failure, but I needed to do this for me. For my health. For my well-being. I need to be better at realizing that it is: It is okay to put yourself first. It is okay to make sure that you don’t stress to much.

Maybe some of you also need to remember that. I don’t know. But I have promised myself as well as my husband to be better at putting my health above studying and getting good grades. It is not the end of the world if I fail, my health is more important.

Just needed to get this out of my head, and I though it might be something someone else needed to read (hear).

2021 and never give up!

Trigger warning: Mental Health, suicide thoughts, self harm thoughts

I saw a post on Tumblr today that just hit me. It stood: Reblog this if you didn’t think you’d make it to 2021. And I had to reblog it because If I am being honest. I did not think I would make it to this year. I did not think I would make it till 2008 if I am being honest. And now here I am well past my 18 birthday, in fact I am turning 31 next week. Which is crazy to think about.

I remember when I was 15 years old , this was 2005. I had no real friends to talk to, or at least so it felt. A lot of the time it felt like I was only there when they needed help, but they were never there for me. My parents had a lot on their plate and I felt like I could not confine in them what I was struggling with. My brother and I was not getting along, at least not in a way we could talk. He was 18 and growing up. I was struggling both my mental and physical health. Doctors did not listen to what I was saying. I felt alone. I was thinking about hurting myself, or worse. I was in a dark place. A really dark place.

I will not go into more details, because I feel like going down back to those thoughts might be a bit like going down the rabbit hole. All I can say is that things turned around for me. It was not easy or in a snap. And many of you know I am still struggling and fighting my mental health. As well as my physical health is still a problem. But I found people I can trust. I found the love of my life that stands by my side through it all and helps me when I need it or motivates and pushes me when I need that. I also know not to give up when doctors or mental health professionals don’t listen and find someone who does.

Always keep fighting. Never Give Up!

Now I am turning 31 next week and I can still not believe it some days. I want to go back in time to that scared girl that is in so much pain and darkness and tell her it will be okay. That she needs to continue fighting. That she can do it. I wish I could show her what my life is like now.

And to all of you that are struggling and are in a dark place. Don’t stop fighting. It will get better. It will get easier. If I can do it, then I know you can do it! I believe in you!!

Love, Nea

Depression and hate

TRIGGER ALLERT. Talk about depression, suicide, rape, murder, hate crimes.

I have thought about writing this post for more than a week. It feels like the world is getting more and more ugly. What I mean is why is there so much hate. Murders and hate crimes are increasing in number. Women are raped, and when they come forward they are put on trial by the media. Just the other last week of the leading news shows in Sweden where talking about this prominent man that been booked because a women has stepped forward and pressed charges against him for raped. The report was angled so the woman was just as much on trail, if not more, than this man. The woman has pressed charges against men before, and that was brought up. What the hell does that have to do with things? Many women has been sexually assaulted before. And the district attorney that has boked this man has strong evidence that he is guilt. It just makes me so mad. And now the charges have been dropped and he get to be in prime time tv talking about how he has not raped her. They were just drunk and even though she had declined his kisses and hugs and hands on her earlier in the evening, she was not raped. He also said he did not grope her, he just got a bit handsy and that is apparently fine. I am so mad and sad right now and I can not understand what that woman is going trough.

Every day when I read or listen to the news, all I see is hate. A Man killing Asian women in the USA and claims it is not racism. What else could it be? He targeted Asian women. And the statistics show an increase of hate crimes against people with Asian descent since Covid spread through the world a year ago. Can this be because people who suppose to be leaders have been blaming China? Fueling the hate? Look at the moob that took over Capitolium. Those where terrorists. And Trump once again showing the world who he is.

Look at the Black Lives Matter Movement. How many black lives have to be destroyed before the world does something? How many more lives has to be taken before the world changes? Are the entire world on the way to be just like Germany was under Hitler? Why can’t we just love each other? We all come from the same place a long long time ago. We are all one race.

Then we can talk about Mental health problems. How they are laughed at, or disbelieved when someone talks about it. Look at Meghan Markle. How the press has portrayed her. How they have hounded her. How they have twisted everything around. I believe her when she said she did not want to live anymore. Do you know why I believe her? Because I been their. I have had zero interest in continuing my life and that scared me. My dark thought were taking over my life and they scared me. I did something. I turned to people and I got help. Listening to Meghan Markle talk about it. Being open about it. All I could think about what a strong person she is. How I wished I had the strength to do the same. All I can do. All I have the strength to do. Is write about it here. It is safe to do. You don’t see me sitting here between having to fight my tears. You don’t judge my, or maybe you do, but I am safe behind the screen of my computer. Or at least I feel safe.

I don’t know about you. But I am sick and tired of this hate. I am sitting here writing something that I might get shit for. I am sitting here writing, while I am fighting my own depression. I am not suicidal, but I am depressed. I have a darkness in me at the moment and I am fighting it every why I can. I am trying to see the good in people. I am trying to get the hope back. I am praying for the world to change. I am praying for love and hope. I am praying that the hate crimes, the police brutality, the rapes, the way women are treated and oh so many more horrible things just to stop. I am praying for you. I am praying for your neighbour. I am praying for my friends and family. I am praying for human kind.

This is part of why I been silent here for awhile. I have wanted to write something, but my depression and anxiety has kept me quiet. Not any more. We all need to make this stop. We are living in 2021, why is things like this still happening?

Motivational Monday ~ First of March

New week and a new month. I don’t know if you have this yet, but this weekend gave a real feeling of spring. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the sky was so blue. It was beautiful and I spent a lot of time outside with the dogs. You could spring in the air and I know that we will have a few setbacks before spring is really here, but I thought about planting spring flowers and buying daffodils.

As you might know if you been reading my other posts, I am currently working on my master thesis. The subject of this thesis has been changed, but I am actually really excited about it. It will be more difficult, but I also think more rewarding. I am learning a lot and I am looking forward to doing this project. But at the same time my anxiety is making me question my decision. Am I good enough? Will I fail? Will my thesis be accepted? But I have made it this far and I am not going to stop. I am strong enough and I am not going to fail as long as I don’t give up.

This brings me to this weeks motivational quote. I do not know who has said this, but it’s something that I have heard in therapy as well from people online.

So keep trying and know that this makes you strong. And as long as you are trying and not giving up, then you are not failing. You are doing your best, and that is enough!

Now I need to go back to studying! Have an fantastic week!

Love, Nea