Happy New Year! I know this is very late.. I mean we are already 20 days into the new year, but I got the flu on Christmas Eve and had it for almost 3 weeks.. After that life has been about getting caught up with all. But now I finally have a bit more time and I wanted to share a post with you.
2019 is over and it was a good year, for most parts. The year started with me following a dream and moving to Edinburgh to study a term. It was so scary but wonderfully at the same time. The first two weeks where filled with a lot of tears, but I am happy that mu husband made me stick to it. Because studying there was one of the best experiences I have ever had. And I got an amazing friend, Cat, as well.
Under 2019 we moved three times. It fells kind of crazy now, but we moved from Sweden to Edinburgh in the beginning of the year. And then back to Sweden again in the beginning of summer. We actually bought a car in Edinburgh that we drove through Europe to get home to Sweden. It was full of all our things, but it was a trip I never will forget.
Then the weekend before Christmas we moved to out new home. It was really bad timing of us to get the flu at Christmas, because it has meant that we the last couple of weeks been living in our suitcases and boxes. We are slowly getting things in the right places, but we still have a lot of things and furniture left in the old house. And one of the hard things with this is that when you are looking for something and remember that it’s in the other house 30 minutes away, by car.
The view from out front porch the other day.
But I am thankful for 2019. A year I will never forget. Now I am ready for 2020. And I am going to make the year as good as I can. I know my husband and I will have a great year together, renovating our new home to make it more ours.
Happy Monday everybody! I am at Uni writing this on my phone, because I need the time on my computer battery for todays class. I forgot my charger at home, but I wanted to post something today.. so I hope this works okay.
This weekend was basicly me laying on the sofa with a cold.. so no fun. And I am still not okay, but I am here at uni because I really need to bee here for every lecture and every class. So I am trying to motivate myself and not think about my sore throath or my fever.
I really did not prepare a motivational quote for today.. so I though I woould just reuse an old one. Hope that’s fine by you.
I Love this quote because it is so true. So stop yourself from limiting yourself and go after your dreams. Deep down you know you can do it!
As of last week my oldest dog, Oracle turns 6,5 years old. In many ways she is the reason that I am currently having the life I have. She is the reason I can function almost like a “normal person”. She has helped me with so many of my issues and even though I am still fighting my mental health every day, I now have something I did not have before I got Oracle. I have the courage to do something, even when its hard.
It was my therapist that said I should get a dog and to be honest it was the best advice I ever got from that therapist. I have always dreamt of a dog. Always wanted one, but I grew up being allergic and had asthma, and I still am. But I took an allergy test, because allergies change over time and it had. I was no longer allergic to dogs. I made my boyfriend take a allergy test as well, because what was the point on getting a dog if he was allergic. He is the love of my life and I did not want to make him sick, because of my dreams and hopes. But he was not allergic.
Then came the months and months I researcher dog breads to find a dog that could help me. That could be trained to be my therapy dog. I know you can by a therapy dog, but they are expensive and we did not have that kind of money. No, I needed to fin a dog bred that I could train. I researcher therapy dogs and started to think of what I needed the dog to do. In the end I had some criteria: – It had to be a dog that liked to work – A happy dog bred – A dog that could be okay with a few days of shorter walks and then walk a few miles another day – A dog that could be in my lap.
The fact that I needed to have a dog that could be in my lap narrowed down the breeds. I had always wanted a lab or a German Shepard. But these breeds where not the right one. In the end we visited different kennels and found out that the dog for me was a Corgi. In particular a Welsh Corgi Cardigan.
And after almost 1,5 years since I started Oracle was born and my boyfriend (now husband) bought her for me. We visited the kennel three times before we brought her home with us.
Even though I did my research and know all things I thought I needed to know to have a dog, nothing could ever prepare me for the love I feel for Oracle or the bond between us. Or how she would bring so much joy and chaos to my life.
And nothing could ever prepare me for the love she has for my husband (her dad). She is the best dog I ever known and there are a lot of people who thinks she is more human than a dog. She always senses when someone is not doing alright. Then she will do everything in her power to make them feel better. I have seen it with me, my father (he has heart problems) and with a few friends that been having a rough time. She has a heart of gold and I can honestly say I don’t know where I would have been without her in my life. Probably not sitting her, planing for the last term before I take my Batchelers Degree and so happy with my life I sometimes think I will burst.
I wish you all an amazing Tuesday. I am going to spend this day at home with the dogs, studying and packing. And being grateful to having my dogs as part of my family.
Do you ever have a week that is like a roller coaster? I have had that kind of week.. Its been so many amazing moments, some kind of life changing, and then some really lows. And I want to share this with you. I think it’s kind of important to talk about my low points, but also the high points in my life.
So if I start with last Saturday. I had an amazing day. Kind of life changing for me, because I did something I have never done before. And to be honest its something kind of crazy. Or I don’t really think it is crazy, but I know that a lot of people around me will find this crazy. I dyed my hair pink. Or I got help from my lovely sister-in-law Felicia. She is really amazing.
The color in my hair.
So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair. This is not an ad, but for you who wonders I used Arctic Fox’s Virgin Pink on my unbleached hair. And the result is what you see down below. So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair.
The reason why I chose Arctic Fox is because: Arctic Fox is vibrant, cruelty-free, vegan semi-permanent hair (taken from Arctic Fox Website). (NOT AN AD).
My hair when its been dyed. I love it so much!
Then on Sunday I had a kind of dip, because I had some minor panic attacks and actually did not feel so secure in our house. I don’t really know what happen except I had some flashbacks, that triggered anxiety in me. But my husband helped me through it.
Monday was an amazing day. We officially got the keys to our new house. I have been keeping quiet about this for a long time, because it been some uncertainties, but now it is ours. So we (read my husband) is going to do some renovating and then we plan on moving in the end of summer, if everything goes according to our plans. I will write more about the house later, because it is really special for me.
Our new house!!
Then on Tuesday, my husband helped his brother moving into his farm, and he was gone the entire day and long into the night. I am starting to get used to my husband being back at work, but then he is usually back at home by 6 pm, but he was not back until after midnight and I had a bad day with panic attacks and anxiety so it was kind of a bad day for me. But a really good day for my brother-in-law to finally move in to the farm.
I also got the my grades on Thursday. My grades for my time in Edinburgh. I been waiting on them for some time and I have been kind of nervous about how it has gone. But I am so happy. I got two A:s and two B:s. I ended up crying some and also doing a happy dance.
Then on Wednesday was so and so day. Kind of boring, but kind of okay. My cold came back, so I spent most of my day under a blanket on the sofa with our two dogs reading books and watching JAG.
Thursday my husband started working some on our new house, or more on our new house. And found that the floor in the room that is going to be our bedroom has an old wooden floor under the carpet. It is untreated so we can probably do something fun with it. Hopefully it is like that under the carpet in the room that will be our office as well.
Then yesterday was both really good day and a kind of hard day. I found out that my name change has gone through, so now I have my husbands last name. I know its been almost one year since we got married, but because everything in Edinburgh was in my maiden name, we decided to wait until we moved home again for me to change. But I am so happy to finally have his last name.
And then in the evening I had flashbacks and anxiety. It was not funny at all, and I had moments I was so scared. My dogs helped a lot and when my husband came home it helped as well. But I slept really bad and today I feel like a zombie, and I am wondering if I should get some sleep.
Today my husband is helping my brother-in-law with some moving as well. Hopefully they will get the last things moved today, but I don’t really know. I am currently home alone with the dogs and it feels okay, which means that I am starting to feel better. One thing I can say is that you can’t let your bad days or moments bring you down. Concentrate on the good things in your life.
Today is a though day. I am missing my family like crazy.
I want to snuggle with my dogs and go on a long walk with them. Hear Zelda snore when she sleeps and have Oracle snuggle up in my arms. Tell them I love them and give them kisses.
I want to talk to my nephew and see him smile because we are playing with his cars. Hug him and tell him I love him. He is my little ray of sunshine.
I want to talk about photography and books with my dad and give him a hug. Tell him that I love him and how thankful I am to have him as my father.
I want to talk about the garden with my mom and hug her. Tell her I love her and how much I appreciate all the things she does for me.
My nephew and Sister-in-law.
I want to talk to my brother about his job and his son. and hug him and tell him he is the best big brother a girl can have. And that I love him.
I want to talk about baking gluten-free baking with my mother-in-law. And how grateful I am to her for raising as an amazing man as my husband. To tell her I love her and give her a hug.
I want to talk about everything with my sister-in-law. About my nephew, her new work and the plans for the house. Talk about traveling. Tell her how happy I am to have her in my life. That she and my nephew are the best things that has happen in my brothers life. And that I love her for it.
I just really miss them all. And after one week of stress to finish two essays I feel so tired and I miss them more. I know that I am almost halfway to getting home again and seeing them all. And I know that the following weeks will be packed with things to do.
I have two essays left to write. And to exams in May. And it is about two weeks until I have Spring-Break for three weeks, when I will be studying my ass of to pass my exams and finish the last essay.
My husband!
My husband is understanding and supportive and without him I would not be able to do this. He helps me through the hard days and always listens to me. I love him and I am grateful that such an amazing man loves me.
Sorry for my rant. I just needed to get this out. I wish you all an amazing Thursday!
It Saturday and I thought that I wanted to share a post of self-care again. I have not really had time for this blog this last couple of weeks. I have spent so much time as possible to get into living here in Edinburgh. It’s been scary and amazing at the same time. I really love it here, but I miss my dogs and my family.
I have had problems with anxiety and panic attacks these last couple of weeks. I have and am scared of the world outside the door of our apartment. Every day has been a kind of struggle. I don’t want to go home, but I am tired of being scared. I am tired of the anxiety in my body every damn day. I just want to feel good.
Do you know what I do? I hug my husband a lot. I try and think of things I want to do here in Scotland. Things I want to see. And I try to read as much as possible about Scotland. I take walks with my husband in our Neighbourhood. Edinburgh is a fantastic city. I try talking to new people in school.
Sign that I see almost every day when I walk around the river Leith.
I try as hard as I can to not let my fears and anxiety keep me from living. I am only here for about four months more and I know that I don’t want to miss out because I am scared. I mean, I am here. If I have gotten this far I can do it all.
I know this was not really a self-care Saturday post as I usually did them but I wanted to share this… And maybe I can try to write a better post next Saturday.
Have a fantastic Saturday night. I am going to eat good food and watch The Voice UK.
Tomorrow is the day that School starts here in Edinburgh for me. It’s scarry and I have wanted to go home since Thursday when we arrived. It feels like something is missing. Like something is wrong… I can’t excplain it better.
I told my husband this and we had a long chat. He was very understanding and supportive. For this I am so greatful. We talked about how I miss the dogs. What makes my anxiety are through the roof. And all my fears right now. And you know what. It feels better now. It doesen’t feel completly fine. But maybe I will get there?!
We took the decision that we are going to give it 2 weeks and then se how I feel. How my mental health is and what I feel like doing. I am not a quiter but these few days I have wanted to go home and be with my dogs. And having my family just a short drive away. Not several hours away with an ocean between.
My reading nook in the apartment
I am sharing this with you becase I want to be honest. Life isn’t always easy and sometimes it’s a real pain in my ass. Days like this I hate my anxiety and panicdisorder. I usually can hold my thoughts and feelings in check. But appearently not right now…
My husband is my greatest supporter and that he believes in me. That I can do this is so helpful. I want to make him proud of me and show everyone els that I am stronger then they think.
I hope you all have an amazing Sunday. We are going to take a quiet evening in the apartment and get ready for tomorrow.
Yesterday I had my last day at campus, here in Sweden before I go to Edinburgh. It has been a hard week so far. And I am so thankful for my friends at campus for helping me through this tough week. I think that it’s more real now that we are moving. Moving away from my dogs, my family and my friends. It has always been like months away, and now its just a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to studying abroad, but I know I will miss everyone at home.
I have always dreamed about studying in another country. But with my depression, anxiety and panic attacks I never thought I would be possible. Now, thanks to my wonderful husband’s support and the help from my family I am finally going.
I know that I am stronger than I think. I know I can do anything I want to do and I also know that my dogs are going to be well taken care of while I am gone. And this is a quote that I try to remember.
Picture taken buy me and the quote is by: H. Jackson Brown Jr.
I missed posting a few of my planned Christmas Countdown post this week, just because I have had these bad days. But I will post them soon.
At the beginning of December 2010, I went to Gothenburg with my mother and a friend to visit another friend. We spent the weekend shopping and visiting Christmas at Liseberg. It was a magical weekend and I will always remember it.
Down below are pictures from Liseberg:
Christmas at Liseberg was amazing. There were lights everywhere and it was so beautiful. You really got into the Christmas spirit.
I hope that I can go there again. Maybe next year?
It’s time for Thankful Tuesday again and today I want to share my love and how thankful I am to have my little nephew (my brothers son) in my life.
He is a constant ray of sunshine and even on my hardest days he always makes me smile. He is turning 2 years old in February and I still remember the first time I saw him. He was so tiny. He was born 6 weeks to early and gave us all a scare, but he is a healthy and happy baby. With so much love to give.
I spent some time with him on Sunday when my husband and I were to my parents for dinner. He had a cold, but still smiled and talked on. He has started talking more and more, and I think he will soon say whole sentences. Now it’s more: Bil (Car in Swedish), Mamma (mother in Swedish), Pappa (father in Swedish), där (there in Swedish) and some other words.
My nephew and sister-in-law for a walk in the woods.
He loves my dogs. Often pointing at them saying: Där! And he loves petting them and sometimes he tries giving them his toys in the hopes that they will play with them. But Oracle and Zelda don’t find cars that interesting to play with.
And you should here his laugh. I am seriously thinking about recording it to use as my ringtone or notification sound on my phone.
As you probably can tell. I love my nephew very much.
The Not So Secret Diary of Nea 