In the middle of January I started my fifth year at University. Saying it out loud seems crazy, for two reasons. First, because a lot of people did not think I would even make it through one term at University because of my mental health problems. If you were one of them, well than I just want to say: “Fuck you!” I am stronger than you thought.
Secondly, because I was only planing on studying at University for 3 years to take my Bachelors Degree, which I have taken, but life happens. Or more exactly I had one exam hanging over me when I finished the thesis in the begining of January last year, so I had to retake it in March. Which meant that I studied one more term to have something to do while I waited to retake that exam. Than Covid happend and a lot of places would not hire people right out of University, so I countinued to study. And now I am here working on my Masters Thesis and If I take one more term after the summer I will have my Masters. And that sounds even more crazy.
I have showed so many people who doubted me that I am stronger than they think and that I will not be defined or limited by my mental health. It has not always been easy doing this, but with the support of my husband and my family and friends I have done this. I also managed to study one term abroad in Edinburgh, an experience I will always value.
I have lost a couple friends over the time, but that is mostly people who can’t handle my success or that have not been able to handle that I still have mental health problems. But I am better without these people. The friends I have gotten over the time I have studied that have stayed with me are true friends. The kind you can call whenever just to talk.
If I can do this then I know that you can go after what you want as well! Go after your dreams.
Happy New Year! I know this is very late.. I mean we are already 20 days into the new year, but I got the flu on Christmas Eve and had it for almost 3 weeks.. After that life has been about getting caught up with all. But now I finally have a bit more time and I wanted to share a post with you.
2019 is over and it was a good year, for most parts. The year started with me following a dream and moving to Edinburgh to study a term. It was so scary but wonderfully at the same time. The first two weeks where filled with a lot of tears, but I am happy that mu husband made me stick to it. Because studying there was one of the best experiences I have ever had. And I got an amazing friend, Cat, as well.
Under 2019 we moved three times. It fells kind of crazy now, but we moved from Sweden to Edinburgh in the beginning of the year. And then back to Sweden again in the beginning of summer. We actually bought a car in Edinburgh that we drove through Europe to get home to Sweden. It was full of all our things, but it was a trip I never will forget.
Then the weekend before Christmas we moved to out new home. It was really bad timing of us to get the flu at Christmas, because it has meant that we the last couple of weeks been living in our suitcases and boxes. We are slowly getting things in the right places, but we still have a lot of things and furniture left in the old house. And one of the hard things with this is that when you are looking for something and remember that it’s in the other house 30 minutes away, by car.
The view from out front porch the other day.
But I am thankful for 2019. A year I will never forget. Now I am ready for 2020. And I am going to make the year as good as I can. I know my husband and I will have a great year together, renovating our new home to make it more ours.
Today my last semester at this University starts, or at least the last planed semester. I am thinking about taking one more semester at uni, maybe not this university. I am going to try and get a meeting with my student counselor and look at the course I want to take.
One of the songs that motivates me right now.
I only have afternoon lectures today, two of them. And the last one ends at six this evening, which means I won’t be home until earliest 7. It’s going to be a long day and I am kind of nervous. This might sound strange, I mean this is my uni, where I already gone for four semesters. But since I went my 5th semester abroad and now I am back here in Sweden, it feels kind of weird. I mean, I am not really the same woman that left Sweden. I feel like I have grown a lot and I know more of what I want in life.
I have always loved my uni, but I loved the Heriot-Watt University as well, and I know I will miss it. But it is really nice to do my last semester here in Sweden. I am looking forward to Autumn and yesterday morning I could almost smell the Autumn in the air. It was cold and crisp. This morning I almost wanted to go inside again because I thought it was so cold, but Zelda was happy just walking and sniffing on everything.
One of the motivating songs I listen to today.
Oracle went with my husband to work earlier this morning and I am dropping Zelda of there on the way to campus. This way I am not alone at home with my nerves, but I do not have to deal with two dogs when I am packing everything up. Plus Oracle gets some extra time alone with my husband, which she really needs.
I can feel my anxiety levels are kind of high right now and it helps me a lot that I have Zelda here at home with me. She is sitting next to me on the sofa right now and the music also helps. I am trying my best to keep myself from spiraling and keep myself grounded. I know I can do this. I also know that I have my husband just a phone call away if I need to talk, which also helps. But now I am going to get ready for my lectures today.
Do you ever have a week that is like a roller coaster? I have had that kind of week.. Its been so many amazing moments, some kind of life changing, and then some really lows. And I want to share this with you. I think it’s kind of important to talk about my low points, but also the high points in my life.
So if I start with last Saturday. I had an amazing day. Kind of life changing for me, because I did something I have never done before. And to be honest its something kind of crazy. Or I don’t really think it is crazy, but I know that a lot of people around me will find this crazy. I dyed my hair pink. Or I got help from my lovely sister-in-law Felicia. She is really amazing.
The color in my hair.
So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair. This is not an ad, but for you who wonders I used Arctic Fox’s Virgin Pink on my unbleached hair. And the result is what you see down below. So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair.
The reason why I chose Arctic Fox is because: Arctic Fox is vibrant, cruelty-free, vegan semi-permanent hair (taken from Arctic Fox Website). (NOT AN AD).
My hair when its been dyed. I love it so much!
Then on Sunday I had a kind of dip, because I had some minor panic attacks and actually did not feel so secure in our house. I don’t really know what happen except I had some flashbacks, that triggered anxiety in me. But my husband helped me through it.
Monday was an amazing day. We officially got the keys to our new house. I have been keeping quiet about this for a long time, because it been some uncertainties, but now it is ours. So we (read my husband) is going to do some renovating and then we plan on moving in the end of summer, if everything goes according to our plans. I will write more about the house later, because it is really special for me.
Our new house!!
Then on Tuesday, my husband helped his brother moving into his farm, and he was gone the entire day and long into the night. I am starting to get used to my husband being back at work, but then he is usually back at home by 6 pm, but he was not back until after midnight and I had a bad day with panic attacks and anxiety so it was kind of a bad day for me. But a really good day for my brother-in-law to finally move in to the farm.
I also got the my grades on Thursday. My grades for my time in Edinburgh. I been waiting on them for some time and I have been kind of nervous about how it has gone. But I am so happy. I got two A:s and two B:s. I ended up crying some and also doing a happy dance.
Then on Wednesday was so and so day. Kind of boring, but kind of okay. My cold came back, so I spent most of my day under a blanket on the sofa with our two dogs reading books and watching JAG.
Thursday my husband started working some on our new house, or more on our new house. And found that the floor in the room that is going to be our bedroom has an old wooden floor under the carpet. It is untreated so we can probably do something fun with it. Hopefully it is like that under the carpet in the room that will be our office as well.
Then yesterday was both really good day and a kind of hard day. I found out that my name change has gone through, so now I have my husbands last name. I know its been almost one year since we got married, but because everything in Edinburgh was in my maiden name, we decided to wait until we moved home again for me to change. But I am so happy to finally have his last name.
And then in the evening I had flashbacks and anxiety. It was not funny at all, and I had moments I was so scared. My dogs helped a lot and when my husband came home it helped as well. But I slept really bad and today I feel like a zombie, and I am wondering if I should get some sleep.
Today my husband is helping my brother-in-law with some moving as well. Hopefully they will get the last things moved today, but I don’t really know. I am currently home alone with the dogs and it feels okay, which means that I am starting to feel better. One thing I can say is that you can’t let your bad days or moments bring you down. Concentrate on the good things in your life.
This is a post I have wanted to write for a while, but have not really had the time to do. It is about my amazing friend Cat. This Thankful Tuesday post is about her.
The first few weeks of living in Edinburgh was kind of hard for me. I was scared. Would I fit in? Would I find some friends? What would people thinking about someone my age studying abroad?
And in one of my classes, in the first week, we had a quiz about how much we knew about Scotland. The class was a class about Scotland and it’s history, so it was appropriate. Anyway we needed to be divided into teams and I did not know anyone in the class, but I ended up in the same team as Cat and two other people. I am bad, but I really don’t remember there names.. All I can say is I am so happy that I got to be in a team with her, because it was the start of our friendship. Ever after that day, Cat and I sat together in our class and she encouraged me and helped me with finding my place in Scotland then she could ever understand.
Cat’s wonderful dog Yet! 😍
Fast forward to the week we was leaving Edinburgh, we had decided to meet up and say good bye and she gave us a present. Typical Scottish things and toys for our dogs. I was speechless. I had not expected anything like that. She is just so thoughtful. And after spending a few hours together and after we got to meet both her wonderful dog Jet and her fiance Cameron we had to say goodbye. It was really hard, she has definitely made my stay abroad so much better.
Cat is an amazing person and we have so much in common. And she always make me laugh. I am so thankful to be able to call her my friend. And I really hope she and I can keep in touch and continue being friends even though we live so far from each other.
We came home to Sweden on Monday. I can’t explain the feeling in my body when we drove over the bridge from Denmark to Sweden. It was so surreal. And then when we drove into our little town and knowing that would soon see my dogs for the first time in 5 months. I started crying of happiness.
Being home these last two days with the dogs have been amazing, even if we came home to Oracle being sick. She has probably eaten something bad outside that have made her sick.
My husband and dogs out on an evning walk yesterday.
I have spent the days with the dogs and unpacking everything… And I still have a lot to unpack. Also a whole lot of washing to do. But that’s fine. I don’t mind it. I have the best company in the dogs.
Yesterday, my parents came over to take a couple of thing they had forgotten when they moved out on Monday. And my sister-in-law and nephew came over for a visit. It was so nice. I have missed them all so much.
I will try and update more about Scotland and our trip home in a couple of days. Right now I am going to spend some time with the dogs. Have an amazing Wednesday.
It’s Tuesday and I thought I would bring back Thankful Tuesday. This time as a Edinburgh Edition. I have so much to be grateful for during my time here in Edinburgh. It is hard to mention everything that I am thankful for, so I will mention a few things.
My wonderful friend Cat, that I got to know. We had on lecture together every week and I feel like I known her for far longer then just since January. She is a amazing person and she has helped me so much. And I am so happy to get to see her today, one last time before we move back to Sweden.
My husband because, as always, he has been my biggest supporter and always helped me through with my panic and anxiety. He has pushed me into doing much more then I would have done alone.
My wonderful professors that I have had during my time here. They have all been so understanding with my mental health problems and never made me feel like I didn’t belong. I am so grateful for that.
The Park near where we live, where I been able to see dogs playing every day. It has made me miss my dogs a bit less. And happy dogs always makes me smile.
The city of Edinburgh, so beautiful and so interesting. There is always something to look at or something new to learn.
I could list a thousand more things I am grateful for, but not this time. Now I need to start packing. We are leaving Edinburgh on Thursday.
Yesterday I wrote my two final exams so now I officially have Summer Break. I am so happy over this. This morning my husband and I booked somewhere to stay as we take our mini vacation up in the Highlands later in the month.
The exams yesterday was killing me. The first one went pretty well and I think I might get a good grade on that. Even though I had hand cramps in the end. Then I had about two hours break before my last exam that started at 5 pm. I was feeling kind of anxious for this exam and then when I walked into the room and sat down I had a minor panic attack and was thinking about just walking out from the room. But I powered through. I was not really satisfied with the two essays I wrote on the exam, but I did my best. I kind of got a empty head a couple of times and could not come up with anything to write. Hopefully its enough to give me a passing grade. But I just have to wait and see. I also got hand cramps in the last exam.
Today my hand hurts and cramps, but I know it’s nothing to worry about. I still have not processed that I am finished with school here in Edinburgh. I just need to wait to see how my grades are, but I am so happy right now and I am looking forward to be going home in the end of the month.
Now I am going to spend some time with my husband. Have an amazing Wednesday.
It’s Monday again and I am kind of stressed. Tomorrow I have my two exams. I do not feel prepared even though I have studied as hard as I can. I have cold that just does not want to disappear and it’s starting to make me into me into a bitch. I want to complain about it but then I talked to a friend and she helped me. It sucks being sick, but there are so many people how are dealing with so much more then a cold.
So today I am am focusing on being grateful for my life and how far I have come. And tomorrow I will give it my best on the exams and that just have to be enough. I can’t do much more than that. And at least I have tried. At least I have given it my all.
Days like this I remember this quote:
“I never dreamed about success, I worked for it.”
that Estée Lauder said. I have worked hard to be where I am today. And I have not given up. And I won’t give up.
So if you are having a rough day or just needs some motivation anyway keep fighting. Work hard for what you want. You can get it. I mean, look at me… I am living my dream. Studying abroad even though I live with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. If I can do this, you can do whatever you want. We are all so much stronger than we think.
Now I am going to get some more studying done! Have an fantastic Monday!
The Not So Secret Diary of Nea 