Category: About me

Messy house

On By NeaIn About me, Everyday lifeLeave a comment

I have been sick on and off for about three weeks. I got a bloody cold as well as allergys that been messing with me. But I am starting to feel better.

The thing is that beeing sick has made me completly behind on all the things at home. My husband has done his best. But he has about a million more things then homechores to do so it’s a big mess inside the house. It does not help either that we have tenents moving in soon in our old house.. my husband has been clearing out that house and brought thing here instead..

It feels like were ever I look there are a million things put of order and the laundery has taken over our bedroom and upstairs hallway..

Is there any chance there is such a thing as cleaning fairy’s? Because I would really need them right now.. I have started on the washing and the cleaning, but it will take a while, since I am not completely all right yet.

Well that was just a short update from me.. I wish you a wonderful day.

Love, Nea

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Travel dreams

On By NeaIn About me, Travel, Travle2 Comments

I am sitting here at home in the livingroom looking at pictures I took when we lived in Scotland. It was an fantastic experiance and I miss it a lot. I am also kind of sad over all the things that we did not do, but I know we are going to go back. There is no question about it. I am hoping we are going to be able to go next year, but right now with COVID-19 it does not seem to be happening.

I am looking on the pictures because I am going to order some enlargements to put on our where bare walls. I have actually not put a single picture up on the walls and we have been living here over 6 months now. So I think it is about time. It is just so hard to decide what to put up and where. I am planing on doing a kind of family wall as well, with the persons we care about the most, both alive and those who have sadly passed.

As I am sitting here I am reflection over all the places I been to (which is not that many) and all the places I still want to see.

I have been to (I am not including like day trips or when we drove through conteries); Norway, Ireland, The UK and Czech Republic.

Places I want to go to: Iceland, America, Spain, Italy, France, Austraila, New Zealand and Canada.

Traveling is a bit harder for me than some other persons. And that is because of my allergies, asthma and mental health. It is not impossible, but usually takes a lot of planing and it can be kind of scary. I know we are going back to the UK and Ireland, where it was kind of easy. And I am going to do my best to be able to go all the other places I want as well. But time will tell.

Where are your goal to travel? And where is your favorite place to travel?

Love, Nea

Memories

On By NeaIn About meLeave a comment

I have spent the last couple of days bawling my eyes out. Nothing sad has happened, but I am going through a lot of old stuff. Some of it is shit and some of it is priceless for me. As some of you know my husband and bought a house one year ago yesterday. This house is very special to me, since my paternal grandparents has been living in this house since the 70s and we bought it from my grandmothers estate after she passed on. The house has not been renovated since the late 70s and my husband has been hard at work. I have helped some, but not a whole lot.

But the stuff I been going through is mainly things after my grandparents. Old books, old papers and old photos. I have seen so many old pictures of me with my grandparents and a whole lot of family gaterings and such. It has been amazing, but hard at the same time. I lost my grandfather suddenly in 2009. I was not prepared at all. My grandmother passed in the summer of 2018. I was more prepared since she been ill a long time, but it was still very hard.

This house has always been my safe haven when things have been rough. Coming here has always helped me deal with everything. And my grandparents has always been supportive of my live and the choices I have made along the way. I miss them every day and going though these left stuff has me crying.

Not a very uplifting post, but I am grateful that I have had these two wonderful people in my life and I know that I will always have the memories to look back on.

Love, Nea

Still here

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Family, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacksLeave a comment

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea

Bad Head space

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Family, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacksLeave a comment

Days like today I wish I could kick my demons ass. Like if I could get them to materialize in front of me so I could hit them over and over again. Some bad shit has been going down this last couple of weeks. Some things I am not ready to share, all I can say is that two people that has been friends with my family and me has passed away. That plus the depression I am already fighting is fucking up my head.

So I have a bad head space and now I also have a cold. That is why I want to kick my demons ass. Like how satisfying would it not be to get you depression and/or anxiety to be like a solid for that you could kick and hit. I am not a violent person, but sometimes this would be really good to do.

I am still trying to do my best with my schoolwork on Uni, but its a battle to get the energy and motivation to do something. I am not giving up. I will continue to fight. Because I know that someday soon I will be feeling better. I know that I can bet this and I know that ever bit of the fight I am doing now is worth it. Because I love so much in this world and I am loved.

I am sorry for my rambling. But I needed to get this out. Writing about my struggles help me deal with it.

So remember: Always keep fighting!

Love, Nea

Getting there..

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Family, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacks, StudyingLeave a comment

Yesterday I sent in the essay that was due, like 30 minutes before deadline. And I wrote on it until I sent it in. It was not my finest work, but it will have to due. I am trying to be more nice to myself. I am already feeling down and uni is not the most important thing in my life right now. Yes, I want to do well in school, but getting out of my depression and feeling like myself again is more important. So that is what I am working on.

My husband is the greatest support I can have right now. He really helps me get through the day. Without him I don’t really know I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. He listens to what I need from him and he gives it to me. Does not matter if I want him to push me to actually do things or if its just to hold my hand when things are extra hard.

I don’t know if I have written about it before but since December I been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy for my fear of dentists. It has been hard work, but I have gone through the whole treatment now. So now I have started treatment for fixing my teeth by a special dentist. I have a illness that has left me with damage on my teeth and this specialist is helping me fix it. It is going to be a treatment that will be ongoing for about a year and even though I am not as scared of the dentist anymore, it is sill scary. But I am doing it, because it is important.

Today I am working on a power point presentation for my essay that I have to present tomorrow after lunch. I am kind of nervous, but I will do my best.

I am slowly starting to feel better. My depression is ever present as well as my anxiety, but I feel like I can bet this. I have done it before and I know that it takes hard work and a lot of self love, but I am stronger than this shit and I know I will be even stronger for getting through this.

I wish you all an fantastic week and remember keep fighting! It is worth it.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Family, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacksLeave a comment

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Family, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacksLeave a comment

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

Bye Bye 2019, Hello 2020

On By NeaIn About me, Depression, Edinburgh, Everyday life, Love, Mental Health, picture, Study Abroad, Studying, Thankful, Throwback, Travle

Happy New Year! I know this is very late.. I mean we are already 20 days into the new year, but I got the flu on Christmas Eve and had it for almost 3 weeks.. After that life has been about getting caught up with all. But now I finally have a bit more time and I wanted to share a post with you.

2019 is over and it was a good year, for most parts. The year started with me following a dream and moving to Edinburgh to study a term. It was so scary but wonderfully at the same time. The first two weeks where filled with a lot of tears, but I am happy that mu husband made me stick to it. Because studying there was one of the best experiences I have ever had. And I got an amazing friend, Cat, as well.

Under 2019 we moved three times. It fells kind of crazy now, but we moved from Sweden to Edinburgh in the beginning of the year. And then back to Sweden again in the beginning of summer. We actually bought a car in Edinburgh that we drove through Europe to get home to Sweden. It was full of all our things, but it was a trip I never will forget.

Then the weekend before Christmas we moved to out new home. It was really bad timing of us to get the flu at Christmas, because it has meant that we the last couple of weeks been living in our suitcases and boxes. We are slowly getting things in the right places, but we still have a lot of things and furniture left in the old house. And one of the hard things with this is that when you are looking for something and remember that it’s in the other house 30 minutes away, by car.

The view from out front porch the other day.

But I am thankful for 2019. A year I will never forget. Now I am ready for 2020. And I am going to make the year as good as I can. I know my husband and I will have a great year together, renovating our new home to make it more ours.

I wish you all an fantastic, magical 2020.

Love, Nea

December, stress and moving

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Christmas, Depression, Family, Life, Mental Health, Panic attacksLeave a comment

Hey everybody,
I am alive.. It’s been so long since I posted here but between writing my Bachelors thesis and preparing to move to the new house. There have not been a lot of time for anything for a couple of months, but I hope to be able to continue posting here soon.

The stress of everything has been bad for my mental health. I have had more panic attacks and I have been more anxious. I know that it is the stress and I am just trying to work through it the best I can. Some periods in ones life are harder then other, but I want to feel the ups and down in my life. It helps me with my writing and feeling like a human.

It is 10 days to Christmas and I am looking forward to spending some time with my family and maybe have a couple of days without studying. And hopefully wake up in the new house on Christmas. But we will see.

Today I am going to shop for some Christmas food with my mum and then I am going to pack and wash cloths. And Probably watch a Christmas movie.

I wish you all an fantastic Saturday,
Love, Nea