Motivational Monday ~ 30 August

Time for another Motivational Monday. Today my term at Uni starts. The plan at the moment is that this will be my last term and then out in the real world, or as I call it employment. It’s been hard to get work these last years, because of Covid. Companies do not want to employ people without any experience, which means that I with my mental health, my lack of employment history and fresh from uni makes it hard to get a job. I have been trying for since I got my Bachelors Degree.

As many of you might know, depression makes one kind of pessimistic. To be honest, it sucks. I grew up trying to be optimistic. Trying to see the good in everything and find the silver lining. Now I just see problems and difficulty’s. I am working on getting back to being more optimistic which is why I thought the following quote would be a good one for this weeks Motivational Monday.

I don’t know if people will really feel like this is motivational, but for me it is a reminder to try and find opportunity’s and what is good. I know it’s not possible in every situation, but I want to try and get back some of my old self. I want to try and turn my thoughts into more positive thoughts. I think it might help with my depression.

I don’t know about you, but don’t you think it is better to try and make situations better by trying to see it from a more positive outlook than to be negative about everything? At least that is what I am going to try and do.

I wish you all an fantastic week!

Love, Nea

Important to remember

Sometime you need to make decisions that are hard, even though you know that it is for your own sake. Like today. I had to withdraw from a course, because I need to finish my master thesis and I can’t do that and study 100%. That would mean that I would be putting in at least 80 hours weeks until the end of September. And my mental health would not handle that. I would be a wreck.

It feels like a failure, but I needed to do this for me. For my health. For my well-being. I need to be better at realizing that it is: It is okay to put yourself first. It is okay to make sure that you don’t stress to much.

Maybe some of you also need to remember that. I don’t know. But I have promised myself as well as my husband to be better at putting my health above studying and getting good grades. It is not the end of the world if I fail, my health is more important.

Just needed to get this out of my head, and I though it might be something someone else needed to read (hear).

Motivational Monday ~ 23 August

Monday again and a new week. Today my husband started work again after three weeks vacation, not that he got a lot of rest. He has been busy with renovating our house and helping family members. As well as working a bit, even though he shouldn’t have. I feel bad, because he is working so hard every day for us. But I also know that he has a hard time sitting still and doing nothing. He likes being busy and I try to support that. Since we aren’t going on any vacation this year, because of Covid, we have just been home. I have been trying to work on my master thesis and getting ready for school to start again. It starts next week.

But enough about that. It’s time to share my motivational quote for the week:

This is something I say to myself. I need to get things started and going. I can’t just talk about it. As I always say, even one step is progress. I have so many things that I procrastinate and it gets worse when my mental health is bad. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing.

I hope this motivates you to start doing something you have been talking about. Maybe it’s to start a blog or ask that cute person out on a date? Maybe its to get out of bed and train in the morning? Or maybe it is allow some time each week for self-care?

I wish you all an amazing week! You are fantastic!

Love, Nea

7 years ago

This is a hard post to write for me, but I want to share. So here goes:

About 7 years ago I had a miscarriage, my first, but not my only. But this is the one that hurt, the one that affected me most. I will try and explain short.

7 years ago I was on a trip for a bigger competition. I was not competing, but family-members were as well as some of my friends. My husband (then boyfriend) stayed home to work, so I went with my parents and brother. We had my dog Oracle with us, she was about 1 year old. Before the trip I had not had my period for a long time and my boyfriend and I suspected that I might be pregnant. This was unplanned and not really something we had talked about. We decided to wait and take a test when I got back from my trip.

But I got a miscarriage on the ferry ride back to the mainland. I was scared and there was nothing to do. It really wreaked me. Since then I have had a couple of more miscarriages.

This scared me as well as some other issues so I got to see a specialist. And to make a long complicated story short I found out I can get pregnant, but not keep a baby in me. If I by any small miracle would keep the baby it would be with my life on the line.

All of this is something that has affected my mental health a lot. I have not talked a lot about this to anyone, but I feel like it is time to change this. Not only to heal, but also for people to understand that this is things that happens. Not everyone can have a baby, and that is okay. A possibility is always to adopt or to be foster-parents.

For my husband and me we are not there at the moment, and might never be. All I know is that I will never have biological children and I am okay with that. Some days are hard, but I have had about a couple of years with this and the closest family know about it.

What I am sick of is people asking me or my husband when we are having children. Or people who thinks I need to have children to be a woman. My life is not worthless just because I can’t have children. I am just worth as much.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get all of this out.

Motivational Monday ~16 August

I been in a bit of a slump for a couple of weeks. Not really wanting to do anything, which is why I have not posted in awhile. I am still waiting in to get a time to see a psychologist, but there are so many people who need help at the moment. I am trying to stay possitive, but some days are harder than others. Which is why I decided that I need to start with Motivational Monday’s again as well as hopefully posting more here.

In exactly 14 days I start what I hope will be my last term in Uni, but you never know. I have a lot to do before then so I need all the motivation I can get. This weeks motivational quote:

I think it is important for everyone to realize that they don’t need to be perfect, because truth is NOBODY is perfect. They might seem perfect but they are not. And taking a step forward and/or doing something for the future is progress. It do not have to be a big step, just a step.

I hope this quote motivates you, because it motivates me. I am striving for progress and I am going to do the best I can. It won’t be perfect but it will be a step forward.

I wish you all an fantastic week.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~ July 5th

It’s Monday again and a whole week since I posted. A lot has happened and I am working on my mental health. I have been in contact with a psychologist and she listened to me and I am going to get help. It feels like a stone has been lifted from my shoulders. I know it will be a lot of work to get better, but it is worth it.

But now to this weeks motivation. I saw this on Pinterest and I thought it was fitting for the day so I made a picture of it. I hope you like it.

I don’t really know why this one spoke to me, but it did. We all have different things in our past and some of us go through similar experiences, but we are not the same. It is all the things that have happened to us that are put together and make us to us. I just know that I want to try and be the best person I can be. But also try and feel better and work on my mental health.

I wish you all an fantastic week and hope that my ramblings on here help at least somebody.

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday ~April 12th

It’s Monday and we are having real April weather here where I live. Yesterday was sunny and windy, then in the evening it started to rain. This morning it was snow everywhere. About 0,2 meters have come down during the night, and it’s still snowing. But it’s suppose to go over in rain later today. So April weather.

As I have mentioned before I am struggling with my mental health at the moment. This makes me try and think more positive and change my thoughts. So Motivational Monday is important to me, since it kind of starts my week of in a right mindset. I try to find quotes on Google or on Pinterest. This morning this quote was one that I thought was fitting.

Being an optimist is not always easy, but having a more positive outlook always helps me. I always try and see the glass as half full instead of half empty. And being optimistic can help turn bad thoughts into better thoughts. We need to be kind to ourselves just as we would be to a friend who are struggling.

So be as nice to yourself as you would your best friend and try and keep a possitive mind, I know it’s hard, but don’t forget you are amazing!

Love, Nea

2021 and never give up!

Trigger warning: Mental Health, suicide thoughts, self harm thoughts

I saw a post on Tumblr today that just hit me. It stood: Reblog this if you didn’t think you’d make it to 2021. And I had to reblog it because If I am being honest. I did not think I would make it to this year. I did not think I would make it till 2008 if I am being honest. And now here I am well past my 18 birthday, in fact I am turning 31 next week. Which is crazy to think about.

I remember when I was 15 years old , this was 2005. I had no real friends to talk to, or at least so it felt. A lot of the time it felt like I was only there when they needed help, but they were never there for me. My parents had a lot on their plate and I felt like I could not confine in them what I was struggling with. My brother and I was not getting along, at least not in a way we could talk. He was 18 and growing up. I was struggling both my mental and physical health. Doctors did not listen to what I was saying. I felt alone. I was thinking about hurting myself, or worse. I was in a dark place. A really dark place.

I will not go into more details, because I feel like going down back to those thoughts might be a bit like going down the rabbit hole. All I can say is that things turned around for me. It was not easy or in a snap. And many of you know I am still struggling and fighting my mental health. As well as my physical health is still a problem. But I found people I can trust. I found the love of my life that stands by my side through it all and helps me when I need it or motivates and pushes me when I need that. I also know not to give up when doctors or mental health professionals don’t listen and find someone who does.

Always keep fighting. Never Give Up!

Now I am turning 31 next week and I can still not believe it some days. I want to go back in time to that scared girl that is in so much pain and darkness and tell her it will be okay. That she needs to continue fighting. That she can do it. I wish I could show her what my life is like now.

And to all of you that are struggling and are in a dark place. Don’t stop fighting. It will get better. It will get easier. If I can do it, then I know you can do it! I believe in you!!

Love, Nea

Depression and hate

TRIGGER ALLERT. Talk about depression, suicide, rape, murder, hate crimes.

I have thought about writing this post for more than a week. It feels like the world is getting more and more ugly. What I mean is why is there so much hate. Murders and hate crimes are increasing in number. Women are raped, and when they come forward they are put on trial by the media. Just the other last week of the leading news shows in Sweden where talking about this prominent man that been booked because a women has stepped forward and pressed charges against him for raped. The report was angled so the woman was just as much on trail, if not more, than this man. The woman has pressed charges against men before, and that was brought up. What the hell does that have to do with things? Many women has been sexually assaulted before. And the district attorney that has boked this man has strong evidence that he is guilt. It just makes me so mad. And now the charges have been dropped and he get to be in prime time tv talking about how he has not raped her. They were just drunk and even though she had declined his kisses and hugs and hands on her earlier in the evening, she was not raped. He also said he did not grope her, he just got a bit handsy and that is apparently fine. I am so mad and sad right now and I can not understand what that woman is going trough.

Every day when I read or listen to the news, all I see is hate. A Man killing Asian women in the USA and claims it is not racism. What else could it be? He targeted Asian women. And the statistics show an increase of hate crimes against people with Asian descent since Covid spread through the world a year ago. Can this be because people who suppose to be leaders have been blaming China? Fueling the hate? Look at the moob that took over Capitolium. Those where terrorists. And Trump once again showing the world who he is.

Look at the Black Lives Matter Movement. How many black lives have to be destroyed before the world does something? How many more lives has to be taken before the world changes? Are the entire world on the way to be just like Germany was under Hitler? Why can’t we just love each other? We all come from the same place a long long time ago. We are all one race.

Then we can talk about Mental health problems. How they are laughed at, or disbelieved when someone talks about it. Look at Meghan Markle. How the press has portrayed her. How they have hounded her. How they have twisted everything around. I believe her when she said she did not want to live anymore. Do you know why I believe her? Because I been their. I have had zero interest in continuing my life and that scared me. My dark thought were taking over my life and they scared me. I did something. I turned to people and I got help. Listening to Meghan Markle talk about it. Being open about it. All I could think about what a strong person she is. How I wished I had the strength to do the same. All I can do. All I have the strength to do. Is write about it here. It is safe to do. You don’t see me sitting here between having to fight my tears. You don’t judge my, or maybe you do, but I am safe behind the screen of my computer. Or at least I feel safe.

I don’t know about you. But I am sick and tired of this hate. I am sitting here writing something that I might get shit for. I am sitting here writing, while I am fighting my own depression. I am not suicidal, but I am depressed. I have a darkness in me at the moment and I am fighting it every why I can. I am trying to see the good in people. I am trying to get the hope back. I am praying for the world to change. I am praying for love and hope. I am praying that the hate crimes, the police brutality, the rapes, the way women are treated and oh so many more horrible things just to stop. I am praying for you. I am praying for your neighbour. I am praying for my friends and family. I am praying for human kind.

This is part of why I been silent here for awhile. I have wanted to write something, but my depression and anxiety has kept me quiet. Not any more. We all need to make this stop. We are living in 2021, why is things like this still happening?

International Women’s Day

This morning I started my usually Motivational Monday part, but then I just did not feel like it. I want to motivate people and make them see that it is possible to have an happy life even if one has mental health problems. And I want to motivate people to not give up, no matter if it’s studying, work, going after your dreams or love. But this morning I sat much like I am doing now in my soffa feeling kind of stressed over my master thesis and looked in my calendar. Today is International Women’s Day and I felt the need to write about something else.

The last couple of years I have had a couple of long and meaningful discussions with people in my life. Some where with the men in my life. Men who never will know the fear of walking alone in the evening. Men who never had someone touch you inappropriate. Men who never will hear that they can’t do something because of their gender. Others where with women in my life that has been exposed to this as I have.

Some of these discussions got heated while other seemed to be eye-openers for the person I talked with. Some people in my life did not understand what I been through. One person will forever be out of my life because of our discussions. As you might understand this is a man, someone that I thought was a friend, but that could not in any way understand what I been through. It was lies or I deserved it. I deserved getting touched inappropriately for the first time by men when I was 13 years old. I deserved getting called a whore by mean when I dressed in certain ways. I deserved being scared of walking alone in the dark. I deserved being touched groped and squeezed by a man that I thought I could trust when I was 15.

This is just a few things that I can’t accept. I am a woman, and I am proud to be. I want my freedom. I want to be able to dress how I want. I want to be able to post on social media without having to thing it over and over. I want to be able to take a walk after dark without having to be afraid of getting assaulted or/and raped.

I wish that women around the world could have equal rights. Everyone should be able to go to school and get an education. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. The list goes on and one.

I also want women to support each other. Not tear each other down. Just look at how toxic the environment is on social media now days. Influencers like Bianca Ingrosso, who is a role model, get shit every single day for whatever she does. She is successful person that has gone after her dreams and what ever she posts someone has to try and bring her down.

We need to be nicer to one another. We need to fight for our rights. Our children should not have to live in a world that is like this. So women, stand up tall. We are strong and we will not stop fighting for our rights. Men, educate yourself. Just because you are not one of these men, there are still things you can do. To close your eyes and not see what is happening in the world is not the right thing to do. You can be a part of stopping this.