7 years ago

This is a hard post to write for me, but I want to share. So here goes:

About 7 years ago I had a miscarriage, my first, but not my only. But this is the one that hurt, the one that affected me most. I will try and explain short.

7 years ago I was on a trip for a bigger competition. I was not competing, but family-members were as well as some of my friends. My husband (then boyfriend) stayed home to work, so I went with my parents and brother. We had my dog Oracle with us, she was about 1 year old. Before the trip I had not had my period for a long time and my boyfriend and I suspected that I might be pregnant. This was unplanned and not really something we had talked about. We decided to wait and take a test when I got back from my trip.

But I got a miscarriage on the ferry ride back to the mainland. I was scared and there was nothing to do. It really wreaked me. Since then I have had a couple of more miscarriages.

This scared me as well as some other issues so I got to see a specialist. And to make a long complicated story short I found out I can get pregnant, but not keep a baby in me. If I by any small miracle would keep the baby it would be with my life on the line.

All of this is something that has affected my mental health a lot. I have not talked a lot about this to anyone, but I feel like it is time to change this. Not only to heal, but also for people to understand that this is things that happens. Not everyone can have a baby, and that is okay. A possibility is always to adopt or to be foster-parents.

For my husband and me we are not there at the moment, and might never be. All I know is that I will never have biological children and I am okay with that. Some days are hard, but I have had about a couple of years with this and the closest family know about it.

What I am sick of is people asking me or my husband when we are having children. Or people who thinks I need to have children to be a woman. My life is not worthless just because I can’t have children. I am just worth as much.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get all of this out.

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