It’s Monday again. I don’t really know where last week went. It feels like it was Monday like two days ago. Maybe that is just me..
This morning I remembered that I will go two courses this term, not just one. This is because I will be writing my Bachelors Paper this term. And this gave me a mini-freak-out. I mean I was going to need to keep my eyes on two schedules and be orginized. For those who know me know I am not really orginized. I just fake beeing orginized. So today I really needed a motivational quote to keep fighting and not be overwhelmed. I found this one:
So that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to be tougher, because I know I can do this. Even if it sometimes feels hopeless I know I am stronger than I think. And I know you are too. Just do as I and think about everything you have done so far and what you have survived. You have survived all the bad days in your life and it has made you stronger.
Now I am going to make a gameplan for how I will be tougher, because next week uni starts again. And I will be ready for it. I wish you an kick-ass week.
My life revolves round tutorials, lectures and essays right now. I am trying to spend as much time as possible with my schoolwork. As much possible without losing my mind.
Right now I am so tired. I would like to crawl into bed and sleep until tomorrow. But I really need to work on two of my essays. When we got home for about an hour ago we just dropped off our things and I changed out of my “School clothes” and into something more relaxing. Then we took a walk along the river of Leith. Just to unwind a bit.
Now I am trying to motivate myself to look up academic articles for my essays. I need to find about 20 different articles. And I might only have 2 good so far. But I am working on that.
I know this was probably a boring update, but I want to be better at sharing my life. And this is my life right now.
I am really bad at posting here at the moment. This week has gone by so fast. I have an essay due at the end of next week and I am on my third rewrite, from the beginning. I am so nervous about this essay because it will be my first one here in Scotland and I want a good grade.
These last couple of days I have been to my lectures and all my free time is being spent studying. And all I want is to eat cookies and sleep. Not so fun for you to read, but its the truth. I have 5 essays to write before April is here.
I love my courses at Campus and I love Edinburgh. I am looking forward to Spring Break when I will have more opportunities to go exploring. Right now my priorities are: Study and take care of my self. To keep my self healthy.
I am going to watch The Voice UK tonight with my husband and just take it easy. That is something I am looking forward to. I love this tv-show and I love the blind auditions. One of my favourite auditions from last week is down below if you want to watch it. Now I am going to study. Have a fantastic Saturday!
I don’t really know what happened. I have had an okay day, but now in the afternoon, I started feeling down. I am feeling like I want to crawl down in a hole and not come out. This is a feeling I hate to have and I am trying to turn this day around.
I am feeling drained by the lack of sleep and the worries about Oracle. By what I have observed today I want to say that she is feeling better, but I am not sure. I have spent the last two days at home, but today I want into campus to have a computer lab about statistics. My father had the dogs while I was away and I am really thankful for that.
Tomorrow I have an early lecture and then I really need to continue with my studying for the exam. I am a little nervous about the exam, but I am going to do my best and that just have to be enough.
Right now I am fighting to keep my eyes open, but I have so much more to do today. The dogs need to get food and then a walk. My husband is cooking dinner for us, so I need to eat. And I really should pack my bag for tomorrow. And put the dog cages in the car, so I don’t need to stress about that tomorrow morning. Plus I have a few emails I need to send away.
Today started badly with a headache. And I went home from campus earlier then I had planned. And I slept for a few hours. Now I am babysitting my nephew (brothers son). He is fast asleep in his bed and I am trying to study, but my headache isn’t all gone and I have an early lecture tomorrow that I really need to go to.
And I am hoping I can get some shopping done tomorrow as well. I need a coat to wear to campus and to business meetings. And I hope I can find one that fits me and that doesn’t contain wool.
I am struggling a bit with my motivation for studying. I need to study this weekend, but on Saturday my husband and I are going to my niece’s Christening. And I think that I won’t have time at all that day to study. Which leaves me with Friday afternoon/evening and Sunday. Its about three weeks until my exam and I feel like really need to study.
Have an amazing evening. I am going to read some in my course literature.
This morning I woke up at 4 am. And 15 minutes later my alarm went off. It was just to go up and eat breakfast. The reason that I got up so early is that my husband and I drove in together this morning. He starts his job at 7 am in the morning, but it takes an hour to get to campus and we had to drop the dogs at doggie daycare before 7 am.
Now I am sitting at campus listening to a music and trying to motivate myself to study. And wishing that I drank coffee so that I could wake up. But I don’t drink anything with caffeine.
I have been thinking these last days about that I feel like this world is getting more and more hard. We are harder against each other. There is more bullying around us. In school and online. And people are less understanding with other people and their feelings. People are more selfish. I wish that we could spread love and not hate.
I have been told by many people over the last couple of years that my “sickness” is something that makes me the wrong human being to study. That I should stay home. These are things I have never taken to heart.
I know that every one that is fighting against their mental health can overcome it. I have found that taking action is the only thing that helps me with my panic attacks. With this I mean. Do things that you know can and will sett you of. But do it small steps at a time. If you get panic attacks when you shop for groceries. Then go early in the morning or later in the evening, when there are much fewer people in the store. And have as a goal to maybe just by one or two products. And you can, of course, have someone with you as support.
And do this until you are ready to increase the number of products you by. And someday you can shop for an entire week at once.
That is my best advice. Take it slow. But do something to get yourself better. I am not saying that I don´t get panic attacks in the store. Because I do. All the time. But I can handle them better now. And I know that if I am having a rough week then I don’t shop when the stores are the busiest. You have to pick your battles. And right now I am concentrating on finishing my education. And almost all my energy is going to go to all my classes even if I am having a hard day.
This became a longer post than planned. Sorry for the rant.
October. The Month when it really feels like autumn is here. And all I want to do is sit on the couch with a blanket, a good book and a cup of hot chocolate. And some candles burning on the coffee table.
But what I need to do is: Study for my exam that is on the 29 of October. And I also need to do laundry, especially wash my mittens and scarfs. And many more things need to be done. It feels like there are more things than time. I am going through a rough patch right now, as some of you may have understood from my previous posts. And I am stressing out about all the things around me.
Yesterday I had a “normal” day at campus, but when I got home I was exhausted. I slept for about an hour on the sofa with the dogs before I had any energy to get something done.
Today I had an earlier day on campus and after that, I went to a shopping mall and got a christening present for my niece (my husband’s older brothers daughter) that is getting christen on Saturday. Something that had totally fallen out of my mind. And I realised this weekend that we had not gotten her a gift yet.
But on the plus side when I started looking for something to by for her I found the perfect Christmas gift for my nephew (my brother’s son) and also a birthday present for him. His birthday is in February.
Then it hit me. It’s just a couple of months to Christmas. I don’t know where the time has gone. It feels like September just went by without me noticing. Is it me or does time go faster when you get older than it did when you were a child?
Now I am going to study. And then it’s out in the pouring rain to walk the dogs.
Today I went to campus and stayed for my entire lecture. Even if it was hard this morning. And right now I am tired but very proud of myself.
My father was with me to campus and then we had lunch together and just talked. It was like an extra “lifeline” in case I got a panic attack. And it felt safe.
All I can say is don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. We all need someone to lean on sometimes.
Now I am going to take the dogs for a quick walk then get into bed. I am really sleepy.
Today its Monday and so far it hasn’t been a really good day. It feels like all the things that can go wrong has gone wrong, which really isn’t true. Far from it actually. But I have to admit. I almost just gave up and crawled down in my big, cosy warm bed.
It all started this morning when I woke up. I didn’t feel good. I felt nausea and didn’t have an appetite. But this isn’t new. Its been like this for about a week. The Zelda stole and chewed on a butter knife that was in plastic so it broke. And I had to give her asparagus in case she ate some parts of the butter knife.
Then when I was driving to doggie daycare the care was making some strange noise that worries me so I drove to my brother and he calmed me down. It was nothing serious. I am borrowing my parent’s car at the moment. And the thought of it breaking and possible beeing my falt was just too much.
Now I am sitting on campus and trying to relax before I eat my lunch. And then I have a lecture. I am trying to come up with some waý to make this day better. My goal for today is to turn this day around. Something I know I can do.
Today I am having a hard day. It took every trick I got to get me to campus. I have a full day ahead of me and only one goal. Survive the day.
I have dropped of the dogs at doggie daycare and right now I am sitting outside my lecturehall waiting for the first lecture if the day to start. I am feeling down and trying my best to turn this feeling around.
In the car I was listining to uplifting music. And now I am trying to think of good things that are happening in the next couple of days. I am feeling better then I did this morning. And that is progress.
Wish me luck and I hope you all have an fantastic day.
The Not So Secret Diary of Nea 