Category: Depression

Thankful Tuesday – Oracle

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Health, Oracle, Panic attacks, picture, Thankful, Thankful TuesdayLeave a comment

As of last week my oldest dog, Oracle turns 6,5 years old. In many ways she is the reason that I am currently having the life I have. She is the reason I can function almost like a “normal person”. She has helped me with so many of my issues and even though I am still fighting my mental health every day, I now have something I did not have before I got Oracle. I have the courage to do something, even when its hard.

It was my therapist that said I should get a dog and to be honest it was the best advice I ever got from that therapist. I have always dreamt of a dog. Always wanted one, but I grew up being allergic and had asthma, and I still am. But I took an allergy test, because allergies change over time and it had. I was no longer allergic to dogs. I made my boyfriend take a allergy test as well, because what was the point on getting a dog if he was allergic. He is the love of my life and I did not want to make him sick, because of my dreams and hopes. But he was not allergic.

Then came the months and months I researcher dog breads to find a dog that could help me. That could be trained to be my therapy dog. I know you can by a therapy dog, but they are expensive and we did not have that kind of money. No, I needed to fin a dog bred that I could train. I researcher therapy dogs and started to think of what I needed the dog to do.
In the end I had some criteria:
– It had to be a dog that liked to work
– A happy dog bred
– A dog that could be okay with a few days of shorter walks and then walk a few miles another day
– A dog that could be in my lap.

The fact that I needed to have a dog that could be in my lap narrowed down the breeds. I had always wanted a lab or a German Shepard. But these breeds where not the right one. In the end we visited different kennels and found out that the dog for me was a Corgi. In particular a Welsh Corgi Cardigan.

And after almost 1,5 years since I started Oracle was born and my boyfriend (now husband) bought her for me. We visited the kennel three times before we brought her home with us.

Even though I did my research and know all things I thought I needed to know to have a dog, nothing could ever prepare me for the love I feel for Oracle or the bond between us. Or how she would bring so much joy and chaos to my life.

And nothing could ever prepare me for the love she has for my husband (her dad). She is the best dog I ever known and there are a lot of people who thinks she is more human than a dog. She always senses when someone is not doing alright. Then she will do everything in her power to make them feel better. I have seen it with me, my father (he has heart problems) and with a few friends that been having a rough time. She has a heart of gold and I can honestly say I don’t know where I would have been without her in my life. Probably not sitting her, planing for the last term before I take my Batchelers Degree and so happy with my life I sometimes think I will burst.

I wish you all an amazing Tuesday. I am going to spend this day at home with the dogs, studying and packing. And being grateful to having my dogs as part of my family.

Love, Nea

Roller coaster week

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Family, Heriot-Watt University, Life, Love, Mental Health, Oracle, Panic attacks, picture, Study Abroad, Studying, UniversityLeave a comment

Do you ever have a week that is like a roller coaster? I have had that kind of week.. Its been so many amazing moments, some kind of life changing, and then some really lows. And I want to share this with you. I think it’s kind of important to talk about my low points, but also the high points in my life.

So if I start with last Saturday. I had an amazing day. Kind of life changing for me, because I did something I have never done before. And to be honest its something kind of crazy. Or I don’t really think it is crazy, but I know that a lot of people around me will find this crazy. I dyed my hair pink. Or I got help from my lovely sister-in-law Felicia. She is really amazing.

The color in my hair.

So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair. This is not an ad, but for you who wonders I used Arctic Fox’s Virgin Pink on my unbleached hair. And the result is what you see down below. So now I have pink hair and I love it. This is something I been wanting to do since I was like 11-12 years old, but I have never in my whole life dyed my hair.

The reason why I chose Arctic Fox is because: Arctic Fox is vibrant, cruelty-free, vegan semi-permanent hair (taken from Arctic Fox Website). (NOT AN AD).

My hair when its been dyed. I love it so much!

Then on Sunday I had a kind of dip, because I had some minor panic attacks and actually did not feel so secure in our house. I don’t really know what happen except I had some flashbacks, that triggered anxiety in me. But my husband helped me through it.

Monday was an amazing day. We officially got the keys to our new house. I have been keeping quiet about this for a long time, because it been some uncertainties, but now it is ours. So we (read my husband) is going to do some renovating and then we plan on moving in the end of summer, if everything goes according to our plans. I will write more about the house later, because it is really special for me.

Our new house!!

Then on Tuesday, my husband helped his brother moving into his farm, and he was gone the entire day and long into the night. I am starting to get used to my husband being back at work, but then he is usually back at home by 6 pm, but he was not back until after midnight and I had a bad day with panic attacks and anxiety so it was kind of a bad day for me. But a really good day for my brother-in-law to finally move in to the farm.

I also got the my grades on Thursday. My grades for my time in Edinburgh. I been waiting on them for some time and I have been kind of nervous about how it has gone. But I am so happy. I got two A:s and two B:s. I ended up crying some and also doing a happy dance.

Then on Wednesday was so and so day. Kind of boring, but kind of okay. My cold came back, so I spent most of my day under a blanket on the sofa with our two dogs reading books and watching JAG.

Thursday my husband started working some on our new house, or more on our new house. And found that the floor in the room that is going to be our bedroom has an old wooden floor under the carpet. It is untreated so we can probably do something fun with it. Hopefully it is like that under the carpet in the room that will be our office as well.

Then yesterday was both really good day and a kind of hard day. I found out that my name change has gone through, so now I have my husbands last name. I know its been almost one year since we got married, but because everything in Edinburgh was in my maiden name, we decided to wait until we moved home again for me to change. But I am so happy to finally have his last name.

And then in the evening I had flashbacks and anxiety. It was not funny at all, and I had moments I was so scared. My dogs helped a lot and when my husband came home it helped as well. But I slept really bad and today I feel like a zombie, and I am wondering if I should get some sleep.

Today my husband is helping my brother-in-law with some moving as well. Hopefully they will get the last things moved today, but I don’t really know. I am currently home alone with the dogs and it feels okay, which means that I am starting to feel better. One thing I can say is that you can’t let your bad days or moments bring you down. Concentrate on the good things in your life.

I wish you all an amazing Saturday!

Love, Nea

Thankful Tuesday – Edinburgh Edition

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Great Britain, Heriot-Watt University, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Study Abroad, Studying, Thankful, Thankful Tuesday, Travle, UniversityLeave a comment

It’s Tuesday and I thought I would bring back Thankful Tuesday. This time as a Edinburgh Edition. I have so much to be grateful for during my time here in Edinburgh. It is hard to mention everything that I am thankful for, so I will mention a few things.

My wonderful friend Cat, that I got to know. We had on lecture together every week and I feel like I known her for far longer then just since January. She is a amazing person and she has helped me so much. And I am so happy to get to see her today, one last time before we move back to Sweden.

My husband because, as always, he has been my biggest supporter and always helped me through with my panic and anxiety. He has pushed me into doing much more then I would have done alone.

My wonderful professors that I have had during my time here. They have all been so understanding with my mental health problems and never made me feel like I didn’t belong. I am so grateful for that.

The Park near where we live, where I been able to see dogs playing every day. It has made me miss my dogs a bit less. And happy dogs always makes me smile.

The city of Edinburgh, so beautiful and so interesting. There is always something to look at or something new to learn.

I could list a thousand more things I am grateful for, but not this time. Now I need to start packing. We are leaving Edinburgh on Thursday.

Have a wonderful Day!

Love, Nea

Bravissimo

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Great Britain, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Thankful, TravleLeave a comment

Yesterday my husband and I was in to the city center of Edinburgh. We visited Calton Hill and then we went to Bravissimo, a shop with underwear for woman that have big breasts. My husband had found the shop when he had googled around to find a place to find me a bikini. And he found Bravissimo. The shop had very good reviews and when we checked their website they had many beautiful bikinis.

The storefront in Edinburgh.

The store is on 20 Multrees Walk, Edinburgh EH1 3DQ. And the staff was amazing and very nice. They also have stores in other locations in the UK. The website is: https://www.bravissimo.com/

We got in and almost directly we got a question if we needed help. I explained that I was looking for a bikini. Then she asked if I had bought clothes from them before, which a hadn’t. They said that if I waited 5-10 minutes I could get help with finding the right size for me. So we waited and walked around in the store and looked at the sortiment.

After about 10 minutes Lauren came up to me and introduced herself. She was so nice and helpful. She took me to a dressing room and we talked a bit of what I was looking for. I also decided that I wanted to by some bra’s. She came in with a couple of different styles and I get to try them on. I just have to say the service in the store was better then I ever seen before. And I usually get panic-attacks in dressing rooms, but Lauren was so nice and professional. She was easy to talk to and she listened to my wants. I didn’t feel like a burden or like I was a hard costumer with what I was looking for.

The whole experience was amazing and I walked out from the store happy and with a lot of new products, both bikinis, bras and panties. And I never felt forced to buy anything. All I bought was things I fell in love with and know I will be very happy with.

I will absolutist be back to that store. And just to clarify this is not a paid ad, this is my honest opinion. I never been that good treated in a store before and I think more people should know about the store.

I wish you all an fantastic Friday!

Love, Nea

Hand cramps and Summer Break

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Heriot-Watt University, Panic attacks, Study AbroadLeave a comment

Yesterday I wrote my two final exams so now I officially have Summer Break. I am so happy over this. This morning my husband and I booked somewhere to stay as we take our mini vacation up in the Highlands later in the month.

The exams yesterday was killing me. The first one went pretty well and I think I might get a good grade on that. Even though I had hand cramps in the end. Then I had about two hours break before my last exam that started at 5 pm. I was feeling kind of anxious for this exam and then when I walked into the room and sat down I had a minor panic attack and was thinking about just walking out from the room. But I powered through. I was not really satisfied with the two essays I wrote on the exam, but I did my best. I kind of got a empty head a couple of times and could not come up with anything to write. Hopefully its enough to give me a passing grade. But I just have to wait and see. I also got hand cramps in the last exam.

Today my hand hurts and cramps, but I know it’s nothing to worry about. I still have not processed that I am finished with school here in Edinburgh. I just need to wait to see how my grades are, but I am so happy right now and I am looking forward to be going home in the end of the month.

Now I am going to spend some time with my husband. Have an amazing Wednesday.

Love, Nea

Motivational Moday – 6th May

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Mental Health, Motivation, Motivational Monday, Panic attacks, quotes, Study AbroadLeave a comment

It’s Monday again and I am kind of stressed. Tomorrow I have my two exams. I do not feel prepared even though I have studied as hard as I can. I have cold that just does not want to disappear and it’s starting to make me into me into a bitch. I want to complain about it but then I talked to a friend and she helped me. It sucks being sick, but there are so many people how are dealing with so much more then a cold.

So today I am am focusing on being grateful for my life and how far I have come. And tomorrow I will give it my best on the exams and that just have to be enough. I can’t do much more than that. And at least I have tried. At least I have given it my all.

Days like this I remember this quote:


“I never dreamed about success, I worked for it.”

that Estée Lauder said. I have worked hard to be where I am today. And I have not given up. And I won’t give up.

So if you are having a rough day or just needs some motivation anyway keep fighting. Work hard for what you want. You can get it. I mean, look at me… I am living my dream. Studying abroad even though I live with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. If I can do this, you can do whatever you want. We are all so much stronger than we think.

Now I am going to get some more studying done! Have an fantastic Monday!

Love, Nea

Confusing emotions

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Great Britain, Heriot-Watt University, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Study Abroad, Travle, UniversityLeave a comment

I don’t really know where to start writing today. Last week was a amazing. My mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came to Edinburgh for a visit. They arrived on Wednesday and left on Saturday. I got to show them my university and where we live. We also took them for a visit to Edinburgh zoo.. And spent a day walking around in Edinburgh. I was so happy to have them here and I was so grateful that they took the time to come and visit us. I have missed them like crazy. And even though I was sad that my father and dogs where not here I was very happy.

On Saturday when we said goodbye on the airport I thought I was going to break down completely, but my husband helped me through it. He reminded me that we are going to be back in Sweden in two months time and that I now need to concentrate on the last parts of my studying here. I have two exams and an essay left to write. He helped cheer me up and we took a day just spending time together watching on things on Netflix and cuddling in the couch. Just what I needed.

Then on Sunday it was my birthday. We took a couple of walks and spend time together. I was feeling sick, so we took it quiet easy. I love my husband so much. One of the reasons is because he always makes me feel better and knows how to make the best of every day. He knows I been going through a couple of hard weeks with my mental health and he helps me through it.

Yesterday was a really bad day. I was sick with fever and headache, spending the whole day in bed, trying to get better. Then in the afternoon we found out that a family friend had passed away. It has really shaken me up. And I know he has been sick for sometime, but I just can’t get my head around it. It also feels wrong that I probably won’t be able to attend his funeral.

This last week has me feeling some confusing emotions and I don’t really know what to do about it. I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy for the visit, happy about my birthday with my husband and sad about my friend. And I am still sick… I am sorry if this post is strange and not something you want to read. I just needed to write it to work through it.

I hope you have an fantastic Wednesday and please take care of one an other. Be nice and appreciate the people in your life.

Love, Nea

Thankful Tuesday – 9th April

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Great Britain, Heriot-Watt University, Mental Health, Motivation, Study Abroad, Studying, Thankful, Thankful TuesdayLeave a comment

I been thinking about what I want to continue writing on this blog and I figured I still want to write about the things I started writing about when I started this blog. So it’s time for a Thankful Tuesday post again.

I am a very lucky woman to have so many amazing people in my life. And today I want to share with you some of the people that have made it possible for me to study abroad.

First up is my parents, not only have they supported this dream and my goal to study abroad. They are one of the reasons that I actually could go. They have taken in my two dogs full time. Taking care of them. Doing everything I would have done if i was home. My mom has actually gone down a bit in time on her work just to be able to take care of the dogs. They are also the ones that looks after our house and makes sure we get our mail. I am so thankful to have them help us in this way. Without their help I would be home studying at my university in Sweden.

But my biggest supporter is my husband. Not only did he drop everything to go with me. He also supports me emotionally and helps me through all the rough patches I have had here in Scotland. He is my rock and I love him. I am so lucky to be able to say that he is my husband. I believe that I am the luckiest woman in the world to share my life with him. He is here with me everyday and pushes me to actually follow my dreams. I am so thankful that he wanted me to follow my dreams and that he is here with my when I fulfill them.

Old picture of husband.

Then I am thankful for my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I know that they are here for me if I need to talk or get motivation. And I also know that both my brother and sister-in-law helps my parents with the dogs, when it is needed. I know they will help me in any way that I will possible need and I am so thankful to have them in my life. My nephew is the light in my life, he always makes me smile. He has gotten in his head that my dogs, are not mine anymore. No, they are his. So that will be interesting when I get home. I am looking forward to their visit tomorrow and I hope we will have an amazing time together here in Edinburgh. I am thankful that they (and my mother) actually takes the time to come and visit us.

Another person I am thankful for is a friend, Nisse, because he is there as a kind of extra help for my parents when it comes to my dogs. Like for example now that my mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew are coming for a visit, Nisse will take care of the dogs. For you who doesn’t know, my father has heart problems and can’t take care of the dogs by himself so Nisse is going to take them. He usually helps with the dogs when my husband and I have to much going on with studying and working. He is a rock and an amazing friend. I also know that if I need someone to talk to that he would be there for me in an instant. So I am thankful to have Nisse in my life.

Then I want to talk about Cat. She is a new friend I have gotten to know here in Edinburgh. We took a class together and she is so supportive. And so easy to talk to. She has really made me feel at home here in Edinburgh and at uni. And I am so thankful to have met such an amazing person and that I can call her my friend.

I am also thankful for my mother-in-law. I know that she might have had some doubts about me being able to study abroad, although she never said it out loud. She always supported me and my dreams. And now that I am here doing it, she could not be happier. I know that if she was feeling better she would come for a visit and see this part of our lives, but that is not possible right now. But I know that she are there for me if I need her to be.

There are a lot other persons that I am thankful for as well, but these are the persons that has made this experience happen and I am so grateful for them. I know that in two months time I will be home again. And then a lot of other exiting things are going to happen.

Now I am going to clean the apartment a bit. It’s kind of things everywhere and that just need to be taken care of. I hope you all have an wonderful Tuesday.

Love, Nea

8th of April – Motivational Monday

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Heriot-Watt University, Life, Mental Health, Motivation, Motivational Monday, Panic attacksLeave a comment

It’s Monday again and I have Spring Break. This week my mother, nephew, brother and sister-in-law is coming for a visit and I am looking forward to it. There are so much I want to show them here in Edinburgh. And I have missed them very much.

This weeks Monday motivational quote is:

I feel that this is an important thing to think about. You can do what ever you set your mind to. Because you are the only limit in your life. So please don’t limit yourself. Look at me. I am living with anxiety, panic attacks and depression, but I won’t let that limit my life. My dream has been for many years to study abroad and now I am doing it. Granted that it’s later in life than I had planed on. But I am doing it. And If I can go after my dreams, then I know that you can to.

So have an amazing Monday and a magical week.

Love, Nea

Spring Break

On By NeaIn A, About me, Anxiety, Depression, Edinburgh, Great Britain, Heriot-Watt University, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Study Abroad, Studying, Travle, UniversityLeave a comment

As of this Monday, I have Spring Break. Monday was a really good day. I handed in an essay and got the grad for two other essays I have done. I got an A on both of them.

But right now I am going trough a rough patch. I should be out exploring the city with my husband. Instead I am sitting in the couch writing. Because it helps me with all the feelings that I have right now. My husband is amazing and supportive, but I know it’s hard for him seeing me like this. He is doing his best to get me out of my funk. But I feel so tired. All I want to do is sleep, but when I sleep I sleep bad. I am anxious and I don’t know how to explain it.

I am working on getting better. But the stress from the last week of school is getting to me. I hope that I will feel better soon, I want to see more of what Edinburgh has to offer. And next week we will get a visit from my mother, brother, nephew and sister-in-law. I am looking forward to it. I haven’t seen them since the beginning of January.. More then 3 months.

One of the reasons why I haven’t been active here in a while is school work and that I have been feeling drained. I hope you understand that. I want to write more. I want to share more of my feelings and what is happening in my life. And I hope I can do that.

Now I am going to go back to writing and listening to music. My husband is working so I don’t want to get in his way.

I hope you all have an amazing week and if you are going through a rough patch: Please Keep Fighting. Never Give Up!!