150 %

Yesterday was Monday and I did not post a Motivational Monday post. And the reason why was that I yesterday started studying 150 % and had three lectures back to back with only one hours lunch. I did not have time to write a post in the morning, since I needed to wake up, take care of the dogs and get ready for my day. My lunch hour was spent trying to calm down and get through the rest of the day. I though about posting a motivational post today, but so far I have studied, watched a recorded lecture and planed a bit of my studying for the next couple of days.

Some of you might wonder why I did not just write my Motivational Monday post this weekend and then schedule it. The truth is I did not think about it. I spent this weekend kind of stressed over my next 10 weeks with all the study load I have and how I will make it work with my dogs, having time for my husband and family as well as having time for housework and me time.

I am going to try and get a Motivational Monday Post out next week, but we will see. I have my first assignment due on Monday.

I wish you all a fantastic week and keep on fighting. I know I will.

Love, Nea

Minivaccation

I am going on a minivaccation with my mum and nephew today. We are going somewhere that holds some of my best childhood summer memorys.. but I am anxious and are having a small panic episode.

I really don’t want to mess up my nephews vaccation with my mental health. I want him to have fun. This does not mean that I am hiding my problems from him. I have decided that I am going to be open and honest with everyone around me. Includimg my nephew.

I want children to know that sometimes you don’t feel all right and that its okay to get help. I want to teach people everything I wanted to hear or needed to hear when my mental health problems started.. when I was 14-15 years old.

This does not mean that I am going to explain my depression and anxiety to him. But I will talk about it if he asks and be as honest as I can without scaring him.

Now I am going to continue packing. Have a lovely day.

Love, Nea

Messy house

I have been sick on and off for about three weeks. I got a bloody cold as well as allergys that been messing with me. But I am starting to feel better.

The thing is that beeing sick has made me completly behind on all the things at home. My husband has done his best. But he has about a million more things then homechores to do so it’s a big mess inside the house. It does not help either that we have tenents moving in soon in our old house.. my husband has been clearing out that house and brought thing here instead..

It feels like were ever I look there are a million things put of order and the laundery has taken over our bedroom and upstairs hallway..

Is there any chance there is such a thing as cleaning fairy’s? Because I would really need them right now.. I have started on the washing and the cleaning, but it will take a while, since I am not completely all right yet.

Well that was just a short update from me.. I wish you a wonderful day.

Love, Nea

Travel dreams

I am sitting here at home in the livingroom looking at pictures I took when we lived in Scotland. It was an fantastic experiance and I miss it a lot. I am also kind of sad over all the things that we did not do, but I know we are going to go back. There is no question about it. I am hoping we are going to be able to go next year, but right now with COVID-19 it does not seem to be happening.

I am looking on the pictures because I am going to order some enlargements to put on our where bare walls. I have actually not put a single picture up on the walls and we have been living here over 6 months now. So I think it is about time. It is just so hard to decide what to put up and where. I am planing on doing a kind of family wall as well, with the persons we care about the most, both alive and those who have sadly passed.

As I am sitting here I am reflection over all the places I been to (which is not that many) and all the places I still want to see.

I have been to (I am not including like day trips or when we drove through conteries); Norway, Ireland, The UK and Czech Republic.

Places I want to go to: Iceland, America, Spain, Italy, France, Austraila, New Zealand and Canada.

Traveling is a bit harder for me than some other persons. And that is because of my allergies, asthma and mental health. It is not impossible, but usually takes a lot of planing and it can be kind of scary. I know we are going back to the UK and Ireland, where it was kind of easy. And I am going to do my best to be able to go all the other places I want as well. But time will tell.

Where are your goal to travel? And where is your favorite place to travel?

Love, Nea

Memories

I have spent the last couple of days bawling my eyes out. Nothing sad has happened, but I am going through a lot of old stuff. Some of it is shit and some of it is priceless for me. As some of you know my husband and bought a house one year ago yesterday. This house is very special to me, since my paternal grandparents has been living in this house since the 70s and we bought it from my grandmothers estate after she passed on. The house has not been renovated since the late 70s and my husband has been hard at work. I have helped some, but not a whole lot.

But the stuff I been going through is mainly things after my grandparents. Old books, old papers and old photos. I have seen so many old pictures of me with my grandparents and a whole lot of family gaterings and such. It has been amazing, but hard at the same time. I lost my grandfather suddenly in 2009. I was not prepared at all. My grandmother passed in the summer of 2018. I was more prepared since she been ill a long time, but it was still very hard.

This house has always been my safe haven when things have been rough. Coming here has always helped me deal with everything. And my grandparents has always been supportive of my live and the choices I have made along the way. I miss them every day and going though these left stuff has me crying.

Not a very uplifting post, but I am grateful that I have had these two wonderful people in my life and I know that I will always have the memories to look back on.

Love, Nea

Still here

Hey everybody, It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, and if I am being honest I have not had the time or energy to post anything. Life has been crazy these past few months and I been trying to cope with it.

I am currently in self isolation, in the woods in our new hours (can I call it new house when we lived here for about 4 months?) and I am doing all my classes online. My university has moved everything online, which I am very greatfull for. I don’t know about you, but being isolated like this is starting to get to me.. This started 4 of March for me.. So soon its been two months..

I am doing it for my own health, since I am in the risk group, but also for my father that is also in the risk group. All I want is for everyone to survive this and I am scared out of my mind over what is happening in the world.

The lock down around the world is affecting everyone differently and I don’t know what to say about Sweden’s way of handling the Corona virus. Someday I think they could do more, other days I think they are doing the right thing. All I know is that we will see in the end which country handled this the best, and who was the worst.

I hope everyone is doing all-right and being safe. Follow all the guidelines that your country has put up. We need to be carefull and safe.

Love, Nea

Bad Head space

Days like today I wish I could kick my demons ass. Like if I could get them to materialize in front of me so I could hit them over and over again. Some bad shit has been going down this last couple of weeks. Some things I am not ready to share, all I can say is that two people that has been friends with my family and me has passed away. That plus the depression I am already fighting is fucking up my head.

So I have a bad head space and now I also have a cold. That is why I want to kick my demons ass. Like how satisfying would it not be to get you depression and/or anxiety to be like a solid for that you could kick and hit. I am not a violent person, but sometimes this would be really good to do.

I am still trying to do my best with my schoolwork on Uni, but its a battle to get the energy and motivation to do something. I am not giving up. I will continue to fight. Because I know that someday soon I will be feeling better. I know that I can bet this and I know that ever bit of the fight I am doing now is worth it. Because I love so much in this world and I am loved.

I am sorry for my rambling. But I needed to get this out. Writing about my struggles help me deal with it.

So remember: Always keep fighting!

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

Locked out, Sunday and Cold

As some of you might know from other posts. I am really clumsy. I walk into furniture, I fall down a lot and most things I do can go wrong. Well let me tell you about yesterday.

So I was having a nice quiet morning in the sofa, listening to music in my headphones not to wake up my husband. I had eaten breakfast and was trying to just relax. When one of my dogs, Oracle started getting stressed and walking and whining. I knew this meant she needed to go out, so I quietly put on more cloths because it was like -4 Celsius outside. And went out with Oracle. So far so good. But when we where back after our walk I drooped my keys down between our stairs and the locked door. Not good. I could not reach it even how much I tired and I could not move the stairs. Not good at all. I tried to keep Oracle quiet while I tried to get a hold of my husband. I tried calling both his work mobile and his private mobile. I tried messenger. I was also knocking like crazy on the door. Both me and Oracle was getting frustrated and cold.

After a while I messaged my brother, because he lives in the same town as us and has a key, but they where not at home. I felt kind of defeated, but then my husband woke up and let us in. Now I can laugh at my clumsiness, but right then I was so mad at myself.

So what can I say. The clumsiness continues. But that is just me. I am stating to get used to it now. And my husband too.

I hope you have an amazing evening.

Love, Nea

Me ~ Throwback Thursday

This is my 100 post! Jay. And its Throwback Thursday, so celibate I am going to do something that I don’t usually do. I am going to share a picture of me. 

Me!

This is me in 2007 and actually one of the only photos of me that I don’t hate. I am the kind of person who takes the pictures of everyone else. I love to photographs. I think my husband took this picture of me. It’s when I was still living with my parents. It’s at the apartment, in the kitchen, my parents rented, after we sold my childhood home. 

I wrote about the packing of my childhood home in another Throwback Thursday post. You can read it here.

I didn’t really feel at home in this apartment. It was in the middle of town and I grew up in the wood about 15 minutes with a car from the city. It was a big adjustment. I felt more at home in my husband (then boyfriends) apartment. But it was a place to live and I had big plans, when this picture was taken. And a year later I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend). 

Hope you all have an amazing afternoon/ evening. Now I am going to continue studying for tomorrows lectures. 

Love, Nea