Category: Panic attacks

October is officially here

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Everyday life, Life, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Studying, UniversityLeave a comment

October. The Month when it really feels like autumn is here. And all I want to do is sit on the couch with a blanket, a good book and a cup of hot chocolate. And some candles burning on the coffee table.

But what I need to do is: Study for my exam that is on the 29 of October. And I also need to do laundry, especially wash my mittens and scarfs. And many more things need to be done. It feels like there are more things than time. I am going through a rough patch right now, as some of you may have understood from my previous posts. And I am stressing out about all the things around me.

Yesterday I had a “normal” day at campus, but when I got home I was exhausted. I slept for about an hour on the sofa with the dogs before I had any energy to get something done.

Today I had an earlier day on campus and after that, I went to a shopping mall and got a christening present for my niece (my husband’s older brothers daughter) that is getting christen on Saturday. Something that had totally fallen out of my mind. And I realised this weekend that we had not gotten her a gift yet.

But on the plus side when I started looking for something to by for her I found the perfect Christmas gift for my nephew (my brother’s son) and also a birthday present for him. His birthday is in February.

Then it hit me. It’s just a couple of months to Christmas. I don’t know where the time has gone. It feels like September just went by without me noticing. Is it me or does time go faster when you get older than it did when you were a child?

Now I am going to study. And then it’s out in the pouring rain to walk the dogs.

Have a lovely evening!

Love, Nea

This mornings walk with the dogs! 😍

I did it!

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Motivation, Panic attacks, Studying, UniversityLeave a comment

Today I went to campus and stayed for my entire lecture. Even if it was hard this morning. And right now I am tired but very proud of myself.

My father was with me to campus and then we had lunch together and just talked. It was like an extra “lifeline” in case I got a panic attack. And it felt safe.

All I can say is don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. We all need someone to lean on sometimes.

Now I am going to take the dogs for a quick walk then get into bed. I am really sleepy.

Good night!

Love, Nea

Campus this morning

Home today too

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Panic attacks, StudyingLeave a comment

So I didn’t go to campus today either. Haven’t been sleeping and I know that I can’t fight off my panic attacks with no sleep. And that I really should not drive on two nights of no sleep. I don’t want to get a big panic attack that I can’t fight.

But tomorrow will be different. I am going to campus. Whatever it takes.

Now I am going to study so I don’t fall even more behind.

Love, Nea

Mad Wednesday

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Studying, UniversityLeave a comment

Today I am mad. But at myself. I have been having a couple of really bad days with my anxiety and my depression. I feel like a am on the brink of falling down a high cliff. And I am doing everything in my power to stop it from happening. Like I wrote in an earlier post I had a really hard Monday. I tried everything to turn it around and I actually turned it around in the evening just spending time with my wonderful dogs and my husband.

Then yesterday I dropped off the dogs with my father, I borrowed my parent’s car again and drove to campus. And when I came to campus I just couldn’t leave the car. I just froze. So I ate my lunch in the car and about 20 minutes before my class started I gathered all my energy and went to the classroom I was going to be in. It was a 2-hour class, but when it was about 10 minutes left I started to panic. it felt like the walls were closing in on me and I had no energy to fight it, so I left the class. I then had an hour to drive home, and I didn’t know if I was going to make it home. But staying at the campus was no option. So I called my husband and he talked a bit with me and really helpt med focus and feel a little better. Then when my husband really couldn’t talk more, because of his job I called my father and we talked. My parent’s car has a Bluetooth that I had my phone connected to so I can drive and talk. My husband also has one in his car and when I don’t feel my best its really good to have someone to talk to.

My father and I talked for about 45 minutes and we ended the talk when I was almost home.  It helped me with driving home and I am forever grateful that I have my awesome father that always are there to help me.

Then when I parked at home and got all my things in the house I went directly to my stash of chocolate and at a couple of pieces. After about 10 minutes at home I felt a lot better and about that time my parents came home with my dogs. So my mother and I took a walk with the dogs and just talked about who I was feeling and then about other things so I could relax. When we came back from our walk, my husband had come home. And just like that I was relaxed. I have always felt safe with my husband. He is one of the only people that I know will always be there for me and always have my back. But he also pushes me to keep fighting my demons. And I can honestly say I don’t understand how I got so lucky to spend my life with him.

We spent the evening together and just took it easy. But just like I expected my stomach started giving me trouble. I have gastric catarrh and my panic can stress my stomach and make me really sick. Long story short… I have spent the night awake with a stomach ache. So this morning I didn’t go to campus. Which means I missed a lecture and a class with calculation exercises in statistics.

Wow, I wrote longer then I thought about why I am mad at myself. I just hate when I have bad days. But like my husband usually reminds me I have come a long way these past years. I never thought that I would be able to say that I am a university student. Or that I have a drivers license. Or that I can go to the store by my self and shop.

But just so you all know I am not giving up. I plan on going to my class tomorrow and Friday’s lecture. I am going to get my bachelors degree and every obstacle in my way and every hard day is just going to make me stronger.

Sorry for the rant.

Love, Nea

 

A new week means new goals

On By NeaIn Everyday life, Life, Love, Mental Health, Oracle, Panic attacks, Studying, University, ZeldaLeave a comment

Today its Monday and so far it hasn’t been a really good day. It feels like all the things that can go wrong has gone wrong, which really isn’t true. Far from it actually. But I have to admit. I almost just gave up and crawled down in my big, cosy warm bed.

It all started this morning when I woke up. I didn’t feel good. I felt nausea and didn’t have an appetite. But this isn’t new. Its been like this for about a week. The Zelda stole and chewed on a butter knife that was in plastic so it broke. And I had to give her asparagus in case she ate some parts of the butter knife.

Then when I was driving to doggie daycare the care was making some strange noise that worries me so I drove to my brother and he calmed me down. It was nothing serious. I am borrowing my parent’s car at the moment. And the thought of it breaking and possible beeing my falt was just too much.

Now I am sitting on campus and trying to relax before I eat my lunch. And then I have a lecture. I am trying to come up with some waĂ˝ to make this day better. My goal for today is to turn this day around. Something I know I can do.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Love, Nea

Surviving hump day

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Panic attacks, Studying, UniversityLeave a comment

Today I am having a hard day. It took every trick I got to get me to campus. I have a full day ahead of me and only one goal. Survive the day.

I have dropped of the dogs at doggie daycare and right now I am sitting outside my lecturehall waiting for the first lecture if the day to start. I am feeling down and trying my best to turn this feeling around.

In the car I was listining to uplifting music. And now I am trying to think of good things that are happening in the next couple of days. I am feeling better then I did this morning. And that is progress.

Wish me luck and I hope you all have an fantastic day.

Love Nea

Campus

Moody monday

On By NeaIn Anxiety, Depression, Everyday life, Life, Mental Health, Oracle, Panic attacks, Studying, University, ZeldaLeave a comment

Today is a hard day for me. The thoughts in my head are spinning around and I don’t feel like I can get a grip on them. I have tried to do something all day. But I feel like a balloon that the air has left.

I want to crawl back in bed and read a good book or just sleep. And the dogs went back to doggie-daycare this morning. So I have been home alone until I went to campus now in the afternoon. I had a late lecture. And I had to fight with my mind to get there. But I did it. I didn’t give up. And I could stay the whole lecture.

After the lecture, I went to pick up the dogs at daycare. My husband dropped them off this morning. Oracle and Zelda were really happy to see me.

Now I am just trying to calm down and breath. I have a long day tomorrow too and every other day this week. But I am a fighter.

Have an amazing evening.

Love, Nea

Finally Thursday

On By NeaIn About me, Anxiety, Everyday life, Life, Mental Health, Panic attacks, UniversityLeave a comment

I finally went to campus today. It was nice to go back, even if I could have stayed home in bed a couple of days more. But I only had a 2 hours lecture where we went through old exam questions. I had some minor panic feelings in the car on my way to campus, but I could handle them. One reason for my feelings was that my sunglasses broke and I really needed them. But I just turned around and get myself a cap instead so I could drive to campus. I hadn’t gotten very far from home when I turned around.

I have stressed over how behind a must be after being sick and at home the last three days, but when I came to campus today and talked with some of my classmates, I don’t feel as stressed anymore. I will have to study this weekend, but then I will be in sync with the rest of the class. And that feels really good.

Now I am trying to come up with what we are going to eat for the rest of the week. I am going grocery shopping, and that is something I hate doing, because if it is crowded I know I can get a panic attack. I have to fight with my mind so I can shop because I don’t want to send my husband to the store every time we need something. This is something I really need to work on, and a few years ago I would not have been able to do this, but I have my ways of getting it done.

Hope you are all having a wonderful day!

Love, Nea

Wonderful autumn! 🍁

No lazy Saturday for me

On By NeaIn A, Anxiety, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Health, Panic attacks, UniversityLeave a comment

Good afternoon,

Yesterday was a day I just want to forget. The funeral for my grandmother was yesterday and I don’t know what I would have done without my husband. His support got me through the day. I went to campus in the morning for my two lectures and then my husband picked me up and we went to my parents to eat lunch and change into funeral clothes. When we came to the funeral all my instincts screamed: Run as fast as you can.

I really didn’t want to go inside. But my husband took my hand and together we went in. When I saw the coffin all I wanted to do was to fall down, but my husband was there by my side. I cried and I cried. And he gave me tissue after tissue. It was a beautiful ceremony and I think my grandmother would be pleased with it. It was a hard and emotional goodbye for all of us. But I hope and think she is with my grandfather now.

In the evening I was so tired and didn’t feel good at all. So we took a quiet night at home.

This morning I woke up with a fever and a cold. But I had a million things to do, many of them for school. So today I have done some of them and the rest I am doing tomorrow.

I hope you all have a wonderful day,

Love Nea

Second day at campus

On By NeaIn Life, Mental Health, Panic attacks, UniversityLeave a comment

Good afternoon!

Now I had my second day on campus. It went better than yesterday. I meet my wonderful friend Tova and we talked about our classes and she gave me some pointers about the class I am taking right now. She is just wonderful. And always helps me. Also, she always reminds me that I am stronger and smarter then I think.

And then I had a lecture, or not really a lecture. The class of about 100 students are divided into 3 groups and we have time with one of our teaching assistants and we go throw some of the statistics calculations we have in the book or in our booklet. It’s so we learn how to calculate different statistics and their formulas. I am going to have about 2-3 of these a week, for about 8-9 weeks. And I am also going to have 3 lectures a week. And a couple of lab experiments (don’t really know if this is the right word, sorry) in the next 8 weeks.  I am excited and a little scared. Its hard work and I hope this class will be good for me.

Of course, I had some small panic “moments” during the day today, but I don´t let myself get lost in those thoughts or moments. I just keep moving forward. I am trying to always see the bright side of things, and not get caught up in the negative all the time. Its hard sometimes, but you have to try and change your thoughts and not hang out with negative people.

Take care of yourself. And don’t let people pull you down.

Right now I am doing a kind of from home test that I will have the opportunity to do one every week. I have 20 tries per week and the best results are counted together at the end of these 8-9 weeks and I can get points credited for my written exam at the beginning of November.
So the better I am at these test the easier it will be later. But they take time. They call them “Dugga” and I hope you understand what I mean in my explanation. It is not the same questions on every 20 tries. It is different. And I have until tomorrow early morning to finish this one. And I have 10 tries left.

Then on Friday the next Dugga is realised with many more questions and 20 new tries. And I have until Monday morning.

Have a wonderful evening. I need to get back to my Dugga.

Love, Nea