So I didn’t go to campus today either. Haven’t been sleeping and I know that I can’t fight off my panic attacks with no sleep. And that I really should not drive on two nights of no sleep. I don’t want to get a big panic attack that I can’t fight.
But tomorrow will be different. I am going to campus. Whatever it takes.
Now I am going to study so I don’t fall even more behind.
Love, Nea
Today I am mad. But at myself. I have been having a couple of really bad days with my anxiety and my depression. I feel like a am on the brink of falling down a high cliff. And I am doing everything in my power to stop it from happening. Like I wrote in an earlier post I had a really hard Monday. I tried everything to turn it around and I actually turned it around in the evening just spending time with my wonderful dogs and my husband.
Then yesterday I dropped off the dogs with my father, I borrowed my parent’s car again and drove to campus. And when I came to campus I just couldn’t leave the car. I just froze. So I ate my lunch in the car and about 20 minutes before my class started I gathered all my energy and went to the classroom I was going to be in. It was a 2-hour class, but when it was about 10 minutes left I started to panic. it felt like the walls were closing in on me and I had no energy to fight it, so I left the class. I then had an hour to drive home, and I didn’t know if I was going to make it home. But staying at the campus was no option. So I called my husband and he talked a bit with me and really helpt med focus and feel a little better. Then when my husband really couldn’t talk more, because of his job I called my father and we talked. My parent’s car has a Bluetooth that I had my phone connected to so I can drive and talk. My husband also has one in his car and when I don’t feel my best its really good to have someone to talk to.
My father and I talked for about 45 minutes and we ended the talk when I was almost home. It helped me with driving home and I am forever grateful that I have my awesome father that always are there to help me.
Then when I parked at home and got all my things in the house I went directly to my stash of chocolate and at a couple of pieces. After about 10 minutes at home I felt a lot better and about that time my parents came home with my dogs. So my mother and I took a walk with the dogs and just talked about who I was feeling and then about other things so I could relax. When we came back from our walk, my husband had come home. And just like that I was relaxed. I have always felt safe with my husband. He is one of the only people that I know will always be there for me and always have my back. But he also pushes me to keep fighting my demons. And I can honestly say I don’t understand how I got so lucky to spend my life with him.
We spent the evening together and just took it easy. But just like I expected my stomach started giving me trouble. I have gastric catarrh and my panic can stress my stomach and make me really sick. Long story short… I have spent the night awake with a stomach ache. So this morning I didn’t go to campus. Which means I missed a lecture and a class with calculation exercises in statistics.
Wow, I wrote longer then I thought about why I am mad at myself. I just hate when I have bad days. But like my husband usually reminds me I have come a long way these past years. I never thought that I would be able to say that I am a university student. Or that I have a drivers license. Or that I can go to the store by my self and shop.
But just so you all know I am not giving up. I plan on going to my class tomorrow and Friday’s lecture. I am going to get my bachelors degree and every obstacle in my way and every hard day is just going to make me stronger.
Sorry for the rant.
Love, Nea
Today I am having a hard day. It took every trick I got to get me to campus. I have a full day ahead of me and only one goal. Survive the day.
I have dropped of the dogs at doggie daycare and right now I am sitting outside my lecturehall waiting for the first lecture if the day to start. I am feeling down and trying my best to turn this feeling around.
In the car I was listining to uplifting music. And now I am trying to think of good things that are happening in the next couple of days. I am feeling better then I did this morning. And that is progress.
Wish me luck and I hope you all have an fantastic day.
Love Nea
Today is a hard day for me. The thoughts in my head are spinning around and I don’t feel like I can get a grip on them. I have tried to do something all day. But I feel like a balloon that the air has left.
I want to crawl back in bed and read a good book or just sleep. And the dogs went back to doggie-daycare this morning. So I have been home alone until I went to campus now in the afternoon. I had a late lecture. And I had to fight with my mind to get there. But I did it. I didn’t give up. And I could stay the whole lecture.
After the lecture, I went to pick up the dogs at daycare. My husband dropped them off this morning. Oracle and Zelda were really happy to see me.
Now I am just trying to calm down and breath. I have a long day tomorrow too and every other day this week. But I am a fighter.
Have an amazing evening.
Love, Nea
I finally went to campus today. It was nice to go back, even if I could have stayed home in bed a couple of days more. But I only had a 2 hours lecture where we went through old exam questions. I had some minor panic feelings in the car on my way to campus, but I could handle them. One reason for my feelings was that my sunglasses broke and I really needed them. But I just turned around and get myself a cap instead so I could drive to campus. I hadn’t gotten very far from home when I turned around.
I have stressed over how behind a must be after being sick and at home the last three days, but when I came to campus today and talked with some of my classmates, I don’t feel as stressed anymore. I will have to study this weekend, but then I will be in sync with the rest of the class. And that feels really good.
Now I am trying to come up with what we are going to eat for the rest of the week. I am going grocery shopping, and that is something I hate doing, because if it is crowded I know I can get a panic attack. I have to fight with my mind so I can shop because I don’t want to send my husband to the store every time we need something. This is something I really need to work on, and a few years ago I would not have been able to do this, but I have my ways of getting it done.
Hope you are all having a wonderful day!
Love, Nea
Good afternoon,
Yesterday was a day I just want to forget. The funeral for my grandmother was yesterday and I don’t know what I would have done without my husband. His support got me through the day. I went to campus in the morning for my two lectures and then my husband picked me up and we went to my parents to eat lunch and change into funeral clothes. When we came to the funeral all my instincts screamed: Run as fast as you can.
I really didn’t want to go inside. But my husband took my hand and together we went in. When I saw the coffin all I wanted to do was to fall down, but my husband was there by my side. I cried and I cried. And he gave me tissue after tissue. It was a beautiful ceremony and I think my grandmother would be pleased with it. It was a hard and emotional goodbye for all of us. But I hope and think she is with my grandfather now.
In the evening I was so tired and didn’t feel good at all. So we took a quiet night at home.
This morning I woke up with a fever and a cold. But I had a million things to do, many of them for school. So today I have done some of them and the rest I am doing tomorrow.
I hope you all have a wonderful day,
Love Nea
Hello,
Today is the day before my first class of the term. I feel ready, but I am a bit anxious about starting again. As I have previously told I have a problem with a lot of people and I know that every class starts tomorrow so there will be a lot of people on campus tomorrow. I am afraid of having a panic attack, even though I know that if I do I will be alright. I have my trick for coping. Trying to think of things that make me happy. Looking at pictures. And if I don’t feel safe where I am, I try to get somewhere I feel safer. And if none of these things helps I usually call someone to talk to a bit. Tell them about my problems and we talk til I feel better. More relaxed.
I don’t take any pills for my mental health. Doctors have said that they can write me prescriptions, but I want to overcome this on my own. I don’t look down on people that take pills, I understand them. I am not saying I am stronger or better. I just say that everyone must do their own choices. And maybe one day I will need to take the pills, but not now.
And I can tell you I am on medication for my asthma and my allergies. Just not anything for my depression, anxiety or panic attacks.
If there is anything you want to know. Please ask.
Love, Nea
The Not So Secret Diary of Nea 