I forgot

Another Week and no Motivational Monday post yesterday. The reason. I forgot. I know that sounds weird but last week was a bad week. I have been in a kind of argument over mail with one of my professors about my course and I kind of got more depressed.

Then I spent the weekend painting half of the hallway on the second floor. I only painted half because of all the furniture and having to move everything around. But now half the hallway is fixed and the other half needs to be painted. That might not happen this year. But we will see. I painted the hallway white, but I am thinking about maybe doing it in a kind of light blue later, but I don’t know. The white is a good ground if we do it in a different colour.

Today I have had a relax day with Zelda. Oracle has been at my husbands office the whole day so I have spent a lot of time just giving Zelda attention and love. Right now she is laying in my lap sleeping enjoying some alone time with her mum. I have also been in to the city helping my father picking up food as well as pick up food for us. I love that my favorite store has online shopping and then like a drive through to pick it up. Wonderful during these COVID 19 times. They also drive out food but we live to far away.

Now I am going to light a fire in our fireplace and enjoy the peace and quiet before my husband and Oracle comes home. I wish you all a fantastic week!

Love, Nea

Motivational Monday, 7th September

I don’t know about how your previous week has been, but mine has been hectic and full of decisions. Getting back into studying mood as well as juggling giving the dogs their time and cooking, cleaning, washing and trying not to get sick. I been fighting a cold this week. I usually get them in September so it’s nothing new. And right now I feel like I could use some good motivation. And on this week in my calendar the weeks quote seemed fitting.

I hope this makes you remember that what Christopher Robin said is true. You are so much more than you think and I believe that if you ave the right mindset everything will go great.

Now I am going to start with the studying I have on my schedule for the day. And then I am going to start writing down all my ideas for blog posts I been thinking about.

I wish you all an fantastic week, and if you have nice weather take some time and appreciate the sun before fall really kicks in.

Love, Nea

I could have had a 5 year old

This feels so strange. That time has moved so fast. But 6 years ago, I was pregnant. Only about two-three months, but still pregnant. I was going away on a vaccation with my brother, my parents and my dog. And my boyfriend (now husband) and I suspected that I was pregnant and decided that if my period had not come when I was back, I would take the test. I had morning sickness. My bobs hurt and well a lot more symptoms.

On the ferry ride back from my vacation I got really sick. My mother thought that I was sea sick, but it was a miscarriage. My stomach hurt and I was bleeding. When I got home I called my doctor and later got the news. Yes, I had been pregnant and I had lost it. I can not describe the emotions inside of me or well anything. But it was one of the worst things I have gone through and in some ways I went through it alone. My boyfriend did not understand what I was going through. His body had not been the one changing and like I said I was only a couple of months on my way.

I got depressed and started to eat to deal with my emotions. I got bigger and gained about 20 kilograms. And then I got the question from someone. “Are you pregnant?” It felt like a slap in the face and I had to try and hold it together. I had lost my baby and I get that question. So I ate some more. And everywere I looked it seemed like people were getting pregnant and having babys and here I was.. feeling empty and having no idea what to do. I was unemployed, gaining weight and unhappy. My boyfriend helped me thourugh it the best he could but it still hurts this time a year. In just a few days it will be the date that I lost the baby and that day I let my self grieve.

Now I know, after a couple more miscarriages that I can get pregnant, but not keep the baby. And if the baby by any chance would survive my life would be on the line. There is nothing that can be done. At least nothing that would be worth it for me. So we, my husband and I, have made the decision that we won’t have biological children. And as it is today, we don’t know if we will ever want children at all. It was a decision that took a lot of talking and being honest with each other. It hurt, a lot, I am not going to lie. But in the end we are in a better place in out relationship and I am happy. With our decision, with my life and with our future.

Even though my heart still yearns for a baby sometimes I don’t really feel the same pull like I did before. And writing this post, do not hurt as much as it did finding out I can’t have children a couple of years ago. This has not been something I have shared with the world before, only close family. But I feel it’s time.

Time to heal, even though I will always wonder who that baby could have been. And every other baby I lost. But that first miscarriage it was the one that I carried the baby inside of me for the longest time. The other’s I was only about a month pregnant, not two to three months. And there was a noticeable difference inside me and my body.

It is time to be open and honest about this, not only because I don’t really belive in keeping things like this secret. And because I am sick and tired of getting questions like: “When are the two of you going to have a baby?” “Are you not getting into the age of having children now?” “Are you pregnant?”

Nobody should ask these questions. And I have to admit. I have asked the first question to people and now I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have nothing to do with their decision to have or not have children. It is their life’s. So if you are one of these people. I am truly sorry if I ever caused you any hurt because I am asked you about having kids. I hope you can forgive me.

Love, Nea

Minivaccation

I am going on a minivaccation with my mum and nephew today. We are going somewhere that holds some of my best childhood summer memorys.. but I am anxious and are having a small panic episode.

I really don’t want to mess up my nephews vaccation with my mental health. I want him to have fun. This does not mean that I am hiding my problems from him. I have decided that I am going to be open and honest with everyone around me. Includimg my nephew.

I want children to know that sometimes you don’t feel all right and that its okay to get help. I want to teach people everything I wanted to hear or needed to hear when my mental health problems started.. when I was 14-15 years old.

This does not mean that I am going to explain my depression and anxiety to him. But I will talk about it if he asks and be as honest as I can without scaring him.

Now I am going to continue packing. Have a lovely day.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

December, stress and moving

Hey everybody,
I am alive.. It’s been so long since I posted here but between writing my Bachelors thesis and preparing to move to the new house. There have not been a lot of time for anything for a couple of months, but I hope to be able to continue posting here soon.

The stress of everything has been bad for my mental health. I have had more panic attacks and I have been more anxious. I know that it is the stress and I am just trying to work through it the best I can. Some periods in ones life are harder then other, but I want to feel the ups and down in my life. It helps me with my writing and feeling like a human.

It is 10 days to Christmas and I am looking forward to spending some time with my family and maybe have a couple of days without studying. And hopefully wake up in the new house on Christmas. But we will see.

Today I am going to shop for some Christmas food with my mum and then I am going to pack and wash cloths. And Probably watch a Christmas movie.

I wish you all an fantastic Saturday,
Love, Nea

Not my day today..

It feels like everything that can mess with me is messing with me today. The computer have frozen on me a couple of times today. My usb-stick has locked down, so I can’t ad or change anything on it. I don’t really know how that happened, because I used it yesterday and everything was working like normal.

It’s been raining the whole day here, and this morning I put on the dogs their raincovers, because Zelda hates walking in the rain. This morning was no exception, she walked like 20 meters and then she had done all of her business and wanted to go inside again, but Oracle loves walking and does not care about the weather, so we continued walking. When I got in about 30 minutes later my shoes was wet all the way through as well as my jacket and pants. I also had to pissed of dogs, Zelda because she had to walk in the rain and Oracle because we did not walk as long as we usually does.

This is just a small part of my day. I will not share any more, because it feels like I am only whining, and I don’t want to do that. I have to say that I now have to really cozy dogs that want to cuddle and be close. And I have actually gotten some important things done today, so the day has not been to bad.

I wish you all an amazing Friday evening, and don’t forget that Taylor Swifts new album Lover now is out! I have been listening to it all day long.

19th August

It is a late Monday-post today, but I have been busy with other things this morning. My husband went away for a work project this morning and will not be home for a couple of days. I know that it is a project he will like doing, so I am happy that he gets a couple of days away. I think it is important at times to spend a couple of days apart, especially now that he has so many things. He is working full-time, renovating our new house and helping friends and family.

So this week I will try and get a couple of things done at home that I know will make life easier for him and also I have a couple of surprises for him when he gets home.

I know this was not a motivational Monday post, but I wanted to share what is going on in my life this week. I have so many plans for new blogposts and I plan on writing a motivational Monday post next week. And then trying to stick with it. I have found a lot of really good quotes to keep myself motivated when school starts again in September.

I wish you all an amazing week.

Love, Nea

Wonderful Weekend

This Friday was a busy day. I had an early lecture. Then I drove a friend to the train station. After that, I went to IKEA and bought some things for the bed. Then I went to my parent’s apartment and picked up my father. We went shopping and I drove him home. And all this before noon. Friday was like I said busy because the day wasn’t over there.

On Saturday I woke up early to walk the dogs, eat breakfast and then study before my niece christening. It was a beautiful day and I had a really nice time meeting everyone and taking many pictures. I love photographing and I am looking forward to getting some of the pictures in print. I think a few will make excellent Christmas presents.

Today I slept for a long time and woke up feeling relaxed and not tired. I love the mornings when I don’t need to set an alarm. It’s not often I can do this so I really enjoy the days that are like this.

Today I have been reading a few chapters in my course literature so I am up to speed on the coming lectures. I have also been doing some planning for the following days so I know what I need to do and when. I like having a plan for what’s to come. Even if it doesn’t go exactly as planned. If you are wondering what I am planning: What we are going to eat, How much I need to study this week and when, when the dogs are going to be at doggie daycare and what I want to write about in my posts.

Now I am going to relax with the dogs for a while and read a book. Then I just might study some more.

Have a fantastic evening!

Love, Nea