Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

Grumpy dog and bloody floor

Yesterday did not go as planed at all. My parents where suppose to have the dogs until tonight, but my mum was not feeling well. So we had the dogs home over the evening and the night. Today my parents have the dogs over the day and then after Uni today I am getting them back. My parents are helping us with the dogs a lot and I am so grateful for it. But my mind was so set on a evening alone, without no dogs and no husband. Now I got a evening with the dogs. And a very grumpy Oracle. She was so mad at me yesterday.

It all began when my mum was cutting Oracles claws and she accidentally cut too much, so there was a lot of blood. Blood on the floor, on the dog and well it felt like everywhere. I know I am exaggerating, but I have a problem with blood, I get lightheaded and I have passed out. This might sound strange, but if it is a stranger that’s bleeding I can handle it, but if it is someone I care about, I can’t. At least not if I am not alone with the one that bleeds. I know this is so weird, but it’s just how it is. I think it might have something to do with my anxiety. Like it triggers something in me. Maybe some kind of fears to lose someone I care about.

Any how, after that the bleeding would not stop, not for long at least because Oracle wanted to lick her paws clean. So it started bleeding again. So we had to put a bandage on Oracles paw and then a kind of protective sock. She hates this. It makes her grumpy and she was showing me her feelings about it the whole evening. It is hard to tell a dog that it is for her best, even though I feel like she understands most things that I tell her, I know we have different opinions about this. I hope she will be less grumpy this evening. I just want to cuddle down under a blanket on the sofa and maybe get some writing done. And I hope that the dogs want to cuddle down with me. But we will just have to see.

Today my friends and I are hoping to get our project finished so we can have a day at home on Monday to study for our exam. So please keep your fingers crossed for us. Now I really need to get to it. I will try and take time to write here soon again.

I wish you all a fantastic Friday!

Love, Nea

Mother-In-Law ~ Thankful Tuesday

It is Tuesday and I wanted to do another Thankful Tuesday post. This one is for my amazing Mother-in-law.

She is a real inspiration and a person I know I can trust. She is always there for me when I need her and I know she is just a phone-call away.

She is a really strong woman who raised three boys, mostly by herself. One of these boys is my amazing husband, who I love more than anything.
My mother-in-law is giving and helpful. She bakes bread to me, because I have celiac disease and my asthma makes it hard for me to bake my own bread. So she does so I won’t have to buy the bread that are in stores (often dry). She also helps me mend cloths or alter them.

And she is an amazing cook and have taught her sons to be the same. Also she has helped me become better as well. I get my experimental tendency when it comes to cooking from her and her son. I never used to try anything new or change recepies, but I do now.

My mother-in-law is a person I am so grateful to have in my family, because she is not only my extra “mother”, she is also a great friend.

I know I have written about her before, but I felt like doing it again.
So to end this post I just wanted to say: Please appreciate the amazing persons around you that loves and supports you. And tell them.

Love, Nea

My Parents ~ Thankful Tuesday

It is Tuesday and today I want to write this Thankful Tuesday post about my parents, because I feel like I can’t express enough how thankful I am to have their help and support.

Without them I would never been able to study a term abroad in Edinburgh. They took care of my dogs for me, they took care of our house and made sure everything else here at home in Sweden was taken care of.

I can’t begin to explain how safe it is to know that your dogs was with persons that loved them and that spoiled them. I mean, when we was away the dogs got new reflex covers with there name printed on them. ANd that is just the tip of the iceberg.

My parents are really supportive of me studying at university and help the best they can. Usually they end up dog-sitting or me borrowing their car. Now that my husband is renovating our new house, they have also made him dinner a couple of times. Things I am allergic to eat, but that he loves. So it is a win-win for us.

So to sum it all up. I am grateful and thankful for my parents support in my life. Without them I don’t know what I would have done.

Love, Nea

Sad day…

Today is a heavy day. A close family friend Roy was buried today in Sweden, and here I am in Edinburgh getting ready for my final exams at the beginning of next week. All I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry. 

But as Roy would have wanted me to keep going. Keep fighting. Focus on getting my degree. So I am here doing my best. Trying to get study as much as I possibly can and trying to remember all the good times we have had.

Roy was a person that always made me laugh. He was a movie and tv-show nerd just like me and we have had a lot of discussions about Supernatural, NCIS and Marvel. And many, many other movies and series. We also discussed music and life. He died way too early and he will be greatly missed. He was like my uncle and I know that when I get home to Sweden in a months time it will finally dawn on me for real that I will never see him again.

Because he loved Beatles and I know this song was one of the Beatles song that was played at his funeral today.

Rest in peace Roy! I hope heaven is filled with roads where you can ride an MC and a room where you can listen to your music and watch all the tv-shows and movies you want. How loudly you want without anyone complaining.

I will miss you!

Confusing emotions

I don’t really know where to start writing today. Last week was a amazing. My mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came to Edinburgh for a visit. They arrived on Wednesday and left on Saturday. I got to show them my university and where we live. We also took them for a visit to Edinburgh zoo.. And spent a day walking around in Edinburgh. I was so happy to have them here and I was so grateful that they took the time to come and visit us. I have missed them like crazy. And even though I was sad that my father and dogs where not here I was very happy.

On Saturday when we said goodbye on the airport I thought I was going to break down completely, but my husband helped me through it. He reminded me that we are going to be back in Sweden in two months time and that I now need to concentrate on the last parts of my studying here. I have two exams and an essay left to write. He helped cheer me up and we took a day just spending time together watching on things on Netflix and cuddling in the couch. Just what I needed.

Then on Sunday it was my birthday. We took a couple of walks and spend time together. I was feeling sick, so we took it quiet easy. I love my husband so much. One of the reasons is because he always makes me feel better and knows how to make the best of every day. He knows I been going through a couple of hard weeks with my mental health and he helps me through it.

Yesterday was a really bad day. I was sick with fever and headache, spending the whole day in bed, trying to get better. Then in the afternoon we found out that a family friend had passed away. It has really shaken me up. And I know he has been sick for sometime, but I just can’t get my head around it. It also feels wrong that I probably won’t be able to attend his funeral.

This last week has me feeling some confusing emotions and I don’t really know what to do about it. I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy for the visit, happy about my birthday with my husband and sad about my friend. And I am still sick… I am sorry if this post is strange and not something you want to read. I just needed to write it to work through it.

I hope you have an fantastic Wednesday and please take care of one an other. Be nice and appreciate the people in your life.

Love, Nea