Bad Head space

Days like today I wish I could kick my demons ass. Like if I could get them to materialize in front of me so I could hit them over and over again. Some bad shit has been going down this last couple of weeks. Some things I am not ready to share, all I can say is that two people that has been friends with my family and me has passed away. That plus the depression I am already fighting is fucking up my head.

So I have a bad head space and now I also have a cold. That is why I want to kick my demons ass. Like how satisfying would it not be to get you depression and/or anxiety to be like a solid for that you could kick and hit. I am not a violent person, but sometimes this would be really good to do.

I am still trying to do my best with my schoolwork on Uni, but its a battle to get the energy and motivation to do something. I am not giving up. I will continue to fight. Because I know that someday soon I will be feeling better. I know that I can bet this and I know that ever bit of the fight I am doing now is worth it. Because I love so much in this world and I am loved.

I am sorry for my rambling. But I needed to get this out. Writing about my struggles help me deal with it.

So remember: Always keep fighting!

Love, Nea

Getting there..

Yesterday I sent in the essay that was due, like 30 minutes before deadline. And I wrote on it until I sent it in. It was not my finest work, but it will have to due. I am trying to be more nice to myself. I am already feeling down and uni is not the most important thing in my life right now. Yes, I want to do well in school, but getting out of my depression and feeling like myself again is more important. So that is what I am working on.

My husband is the greatest support I can have right now. He really helps me get through the day. Without him I don’t really know I would be able to get out of bed in the morning. He listens to what I need from him and he gives it to me. Does not matter if I want him to push me to actually do things or if its just to hold my hand when things are extra hard.

I don’t know if I have written about it before but since December I been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy for my fear of dentists. It has been hard work, but I have gone through the whole treatment now. So now I have started treatment for fixing my teeth by a special dentist. I have a illness that has left me with damage on my teeth and this specialist is helping me fix it. It is going to be a treatment that will be ongoing for about a year and even though I am not as scared of the dentist anymore, it is sill scary. But I am doing it, because it is important.

Today I am working on a power point presentation for my essay that I have to present tomorrow after lunch. I am kind of nervous, but I will do my best.

I am slowly starting to feel better. My depression is ever present as well as my anxiety, but I feel like I can bet this. I have done it before and I know that it takes hard work and a lot of self love, but I am stronger than this shit and I know I will be even stronger for getting through this.

I wish you all an fantastic week and remember keep fighting! It is worth it.

Love, Nea

Yesterday

The talk with my husband went amazing. He was as supporting and loving I knew he would be. And he asked me what I needed from him. I was honest and probably a bit clingy, but he was there for me like he always is. I still fell kind of bad over me being depressed, but he made me think about it differently. I can’t really help what is happening in my body, but I can fight it. And best part is, he made me laugh. He made me forget all the shit in my head for a while. And last night I actually slept well. Better than I have in a long while.

My husband and I talked about things that I can do for me. And things to make me less stressed. What he can do. It was nice. And I feel safe telling him about my feelings. He really listens. After I had told him all of what is going on inside my head, he looked at me and said: “I love you. We will get through this together.”

What more can I ask for? Nothing. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. Even when I am feeling the worst, he is here for me.

I did not want to wake up this morning, but I did. I got up. I ate breakfast and now I am listening to music to get me through the morning and quieting my thought. I have about 7 academic articles I need to read today for Uni this week and what feels like a 1000 more things to do. But I am trying not to let the stress and anxiety swallow me whole. I am going to do one thing at a time and that will just have to do. I know I have my husbands support in it all.

I will try and keep writing here. Updating you on what is happening and how I am fighting my depression.

I wish you all an fantastic Sunday.

Love, Nea

Depression sucks!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!! TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS!

I have not been sharing my life with you as I had planed these last couple of months, and to be honest it has partly been because I been struggling. With everyday life, with moving, with Uni and with keeping my head over water. I saw the light in the tunnel when we moved, but when both my husband and I got the flu over Christmas and New Year, I kind of lost the light again. And I am working to get it back.

Today has been a shit day and the day is not over yet. I don’t really know what to do to make it better. I am letting my depression and anxiety take over and I hate that. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want to open up to my husband about the thoughts in my head, but I know that he has a lot on his mind right now. And many people would say I am being silly, but I don’t want to burden him with my feelings. I know that he is here for me and I know he can take it. But I can’t seem to get my feelings and thought out of my mouth.

I have decided that when he comes in from working outside. I am going to talk to him. Tell him what is going on and be honest. You might think I am ashamed over how I am feeling, but I am not. I know that my depression and anxiety comes and goes. And that I can feel overvelmed at times. I have written about talking about your feelings and who you are feeling, and here I am not doing the same. That is what I am ashamed of. I want to be honest with everyone. I want to say: Hey, I am fighting my depression right now, trying to keep my head over water. It is not easy, but I am doing my best. Because I will not give up. Life is worth the fight.

Here are some things that keep me fighting:
Waking up every morning beside my husband.
Seeing my dogs play in the garden.
Being in my husbands arms.
Hearing my nephew and nieces laugh.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Reading a good book.
Writing on my stories.
Playing the piano.
Having in dept conversations with my father.
Walking the dogs with my mother.
Taking pictures of the beauty in the world.
Watching a movie or a show with my husband and just being close.
Laughing with my husband over silly things.
Getting a hug from someone I love.
Making someone smile.

The list goes on and on. So here I am being honest with you. I am fighting. I know some of you are fighting as well. And all I can say is DON’T GIVE UP! Know that you are not alone. Not alone in your struggle but also there are people out there that can help you. Because you are worth it!

Now I am going to talk with my husband. And I will try to start posting here more often. I will try and share with you about what is happening. I have a lot of things I would like to share.

Don’t give up!
Love, Nea

December, stress and moving

Hey everybody,
I am alive.. It’s been so long since I posted here but between writing my Bachelors thesis and preparing to move to the new house. There have not been a lot of time for anything for a couple of months, but I hope to be able to continue posting here soon.

The stress of everything has been bad for my mental health. I have had more panic attacks and I have been more anxious. I know that it is the stress and I am just trying to work through it the best I can. Some periods in ones life are harder then other, but I want to feel the ups and down in my life. It helps me with my writing and feeling like a human.

It is 10 days to Christmas and I am looking forward to spending some time with my family and maybe have a couple of days without studying. And hopefully wake up in the new house on Christmas. But we will see.

Today I am going to shop for some Christmas food with my mum and then I am going to pack and wash cloths. And Probably watch a Christmas movie.

I wish you all an fantastic Saturday,
Love, Nea

Long time, no write

I been away from this blog for a couple of weeks now, and the reason is that I have not had the time or energy to write anything. I been studying for at least 50 hours a week. It has drained my energy and I still have all the other “normal” things to do. Like housework and try and spend time with my husband and dogs. I am stressed almost every hour and sleep where badly. This affects my anxiety, so I am really not feeling myself.

I am fighting to keep my mood up and keep on going. I know that it is going to be a couple of more hard weeks and then I hope it is going to be better. If not, well then I just need to keep going anyway. I am a fighter and I am so close to getting my degree. I am not going to fall down on the finish line.

But good news, the renovation on the new house is going forward and we hope to be able to move in this year. I am hoping on November, but I been an optimist before.

Now I really need to go back to studying. I just wanted to let you all know I am alive. I wish you all an amazing week.

Love, Nea

World Mental Health Day

Today it’s the World Mental Health Day. And it is to increase the awareness about mental health. This is something that I think is very important. Do you know how many people around the world that have mental health problems? I know that there are a lot more people than we know about. Mental health is just as important as any physical illness.

When I was a child, mental health was not something that I heard about. Not from adults, in school or anything like that. When I started having problems when I was 13 years old, it was so secretive. It felt like I should be ashamed about my problems. I got to go to therapy at a special child psychologist at the hospital and I was so ashamed, because that was how I got the notion from everybody around me. I don’t remember that my parents or brother being ashamed about me, but if I said anything to like a teacher they looked at me like I had grown three more heads.

When I got in to therapy for the second time I was 17 years old and everything came crazing down. I had an unknown illness in an out of hospital up to five times a week and they could not find anything wrong with me. I had to stop going to school and I was just sitting at home in the apartment afraid to do anything. Afraid to go out. Afraid I was going to die when I was alone. All this bought out the worst in me. My depression grew. I got anxious. I had panic attacks. I leaned heavily on my boyfriend and family. I got through it with their help and doctors found my out what unknown illness I had. It turned out I did not just have one, but three that kind of worked together…

Now I live a more “normal” life. I still have to fight with my mental health almost daily. I still have anxiety, panic attacks and get depressed. But I have tools to work with that help. I get the love and support of my husband, family and friends. And I talk about it. I am not ashamed about what has happened to me. I am not ashamed about my mental health, it is part of me. I am not perfect but I am me. I am stronger than most other people, because you know what, I did not give up. And I refuse to crawl into a corner and let life pass me by. My mental health does not define me and I will not let it define you anyone else. You are so much more then your depression, anxiety, panic attacks or what else you are fighting with.

If you have problems with you mental health, please talk to someone. Get help. This is not something you need to go through alone. Talk about what is going on in your mind, don’t be ashamed. There are so many people out there that have the same problems. You can fight this! I believe in you.

And to show you how many people that you know that has mental health problems here is a list of celebrities that have mental health problems (if you click on the links you come to videos or articles where they talk about mental health):

  • Jared Padalecki – depression (Always keep fighting)
  • Adele – depression
  • Ryan Reynolds – anxiety
  • Chrisy Teigen – Postpartum depression
  • Lena Dunham – anxiety
  • Dakota Johnson – Anxiety
  • Emma Stone – Anxiety and Panic Attacks
  • Gina Rodriguez – Anxiety
  • Ellen DeGeneres – Depression
  • Lili Reinhart – Anxiety
  • Lady Gaga – Depression and Anxiety
  • Olivia Munn – OCD
  • J.K. Rowling – Depression
  • Ellie Goulding – Panic Attacks
  • Zendaya – Anxiety
  • Selena Gomez – Anxiety, panic attacks and depression
  • Sarah Silverman – Panic Attacks and Depression
  • Kristen Bell – Depression
  • Gwyneth Paltrow – Postpartum depression
  • Princess Diana – Post-natal depression
  • Cara Delevinge – Depression
  • Chris Evans – Anxiety and Depression
  • Prince Harry – anxiety

“I, for a long time, have been passionate about people dealing with mental illness and struggling with depression, or addiction, or having suicidal thoughts and, strangely enough, it’s almost like the life I live, as well. I was 25 years old. I had my own TV show. I had dogs that I loved and tons of friends and I was getting adoration from fans and I was happy with my work, but I couldn’t figure out what it was; it doesn’t always make sense is my point. It’s not just people who can’t find a job, or can’t fit in in society that struggle with depression sometimes.” ~ Jared Padalecki, to Variety.

“There’s nothing weak about struggling with mental illness,” she wrote in an essay for Motto. “For me, depression is not sadness. It’s not having a bad day and needing a hug. It gave me a complete and utter sense of isolation and loneliness. Its debilitation was all-consuming, and it shut down my mental circuit board. I felt worthless, like I had nothing to offer, like I was a failure. Now, after seeking help, I can see that those thoughts, of course, couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s important for me to be candid about this so people in a similar situation can realize that they are not worthless and that they do have something to offer. We all do. ” ~ Kristen Bell

Kerry Washington told Glamour: “I say that publicly because I think it’s really important to take the stigma away from mental health. My brain and my heart are really important to me. I don’t know why I wouldn’t seek help to have those things be as healthy as my teeth. I go to the dentist. So why wouldn’t I go to a shrink?”

So know this; You are not alone in this. There is help to get. And please don’t be ashamed of your mental health!

Love, Nea